Hypomania

I am still in a hypomanic state today.  It’s not as bad as yesterday, but it is still mania.  The mania I experienced yesterday was intense.  As I sat at my desk working I couldn’t focus all day on one task; my mind kept wandering all over the place like a runaway freight train.  I was giddy and child-like most of the day and I couldn’t keep from bouncing all over the place.  I would get up frequently to talk to a co-worker that joined me for the day and he recognized my giddiness too.  My speech was as rapid as my thoughts as we talked and he just laughed.

While being in this hypomanic state, the emotions I have had over losing my friendship is not quite as bad as it has been.  I don’t feel the need to cry and isolate myself at the moment. I’m more forward and sure of myself today.  It’s a good place to be but still not exactly healthy.  My mind is still circling around all the recent events and playing “armchair quarterback” with the lost friendship.  I have to stop myself almost every hour from reaching out to this person over and over again.  I know he needs his space and time but I want his attention – I want him to hear me out so desperately and understand where I was coming from.

I feel like I am at the peak of a roller coaster, enjoying the thrill and exhilaration of the unknown.  I’m going to make the best of my circumstances and enjoy where I am today.  I will not make rash decisions as this could be detrimental for me while I am in this state.

Love and Grief

Often there are moments just after my mind wakes but my body hasn’t fully begun to function that I lay in bed and ponder such things as why am I here and why am I the way I am.  These few moments in the morning give me a time to be introspective and contemplate the world around me.  I also take these few moments and think on more spiritual thoughts as well.  Sometimes these thoughts make me happy; more often than not these thoughts make me sad and emotional.

As I consider recent events in my life I have to ask myself why people gravitate toward one another.  What is the meaning of love and why do we look for it in every corner and every person?  Recently I’ve been re-examining the idea of love and relationships and what I need from another person.  It seems that no matter what happens, every relationship is going to end and hurt at some point.  Why do we continue to do this to ourselves?  Why do we inflict so much pain on each other?  Are we all serial masochists and don’t realize it?

Every relationship will eventually end.  That’s what my therapist taught me.  As harsh as it is, those were his exact words.  I was shocked and stunned by his frankness on the subject.  How can he say these things to me when I’m grieving the loss of so many people and relationships?  I had to stop and consider this theory, and as analytical as I am, I realize he’s right.  Every relationship we have with someone will end.  Whether it is by death of one person or because one person no longer wanted to be in the relationship, it will end.

It saddens me to realize how true these words are, especially for me.  Sometimes I think the loss that I’ve experienced is insurmountable and I cannot function.  I wonder how it is that I go on living my life day to day with this terrible feeling.  The grief that I carry around with me engulfs me on a daily basis.  It’s become my shelter, my shield, and my protector.  It keeps me from forming long-lasting bonds with people, and when I do push aside grief to let someone into my life, I end up ruining it in some way.  I don’t realize this is what I am doing until it is too late and the damage is done.  It just happens.

This morning grief and I had a conversation.  He reminded me that I am alone and that he will always be with me to share in my troubles and help me find the dark places in my soul.  I took comfort in knowing that grief will not leave me as he will continue to be there for me to help me detach when I attempt to let another person love me.  He will be there like a black knight to protect me from further injury to my soul and remind me that this relationship will destroy itself like all others and not to get attached.

I finally got out of bed and made my way into the kitchen.  I need that morning pleasure of coffee to comfort my soul.  I stand in the kitchen and water Shyla, my eastern lily that was given to me when my dog Shyla passed.  She’s been growing so big lately that I had to repot her into a bigger pot.  I take a few moments to think back to a happier time when I felt like I could move forward; a time I wasn’t so paralyzed.  I let the moment pass in fear the sadness will be overwhelming.  I curl up in bed with my morning yumminess and I grab for my pills, these pills that keep my heart rhythm from becoming out of whack, and I realize I’m missing one.  How long has it been since I’ve had my anti-depressant? 

As I sit in the dark sipping my coffee that is quickly turning cold, I think about why it is I take the anti-depressant.  Am I fooled as much as every other American in the belief that I can take a magic pill and it will suddenly make me happy again?  Maybe I should just stop taking it and let the depression engulf me.  It is after all where I find I am most comfortable.  My depression has a way of keeping people at arm’s length and maybe that is for the better.  It keeps me isolated and anti-social so that I don’t have to talk to people, nor do I want to talk to others.

My coffee is cold.  The air is cold.  My room is dark.  The world is silent.  My bed is comfortable.  I’ll just stay here today and let the world go on without me.

Who Am I?

I have a form of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia.  It is a mood cycling disorder much like the classical bipolar disorder except that my mood cycles are much more acute than a normal bipolar mood cycle.  My cycles can last from hours to days, and can hit me at any given moment with no warning.  This is called rapid-cycling.  Before you assume, I don’t go from calm to bitchy in seconds.  Rapid mood cycling usually takes a few hours and sometimes longer to recognize. 

My brain works differently than most people.  I think in ways most people do not.  I have a crazy, vivid imagination that pops into my brain at random times and gives me inspiration for most aspects of my life.  It also makes me spout out random statements or questions without thinking about the impact on others first.  This I call “foot-in-mouth” disease.

Among a wide range of emotions, I tend to lean toward being an empathetic and understanding person for the most part.  I put others before myself even to the detriment of my own feelings.  I suffer in silence most days and I refuse to cry in front of people when I can help it.  I will love you more than I love myself.  I’m just generally screwed up.

I’m also not good with gray areas.  I need things in my life to be black and white.  When presented with an ambiguous situation I struggle with it and sometimes push away.  I believe in absolutes; everything is a yes or a no or right or wrong for me.  There is absolutely no in between.  It’s stressful since most of the world lives in the gray area of life; especially those I have relationships.

Dealing with ambiguity creates tension for me.  I am quick to make decisions, even when they are not the right decisions.  I don’t think about consequences.  I rarely stop and consider outcomes and sometimes this hurts the people in my life.  I don’t do it intentionally but when posed with a decision I make one with the knowledge I have at hand rather than do research.

These are just a few of the issues I am working with among others.  “I am who I am; no more, no less”*  I know I’m not alone but I often feel like I am.  I try to talk through these feelings but its draining and I don’t want to be a burden to others.  I have my off days and these are generally when I want to hide away in my cave and be alone, or be in the comforting arms of a loved one. 

I will disappoint you; I disappoint myself.  I have to remind myself daily that the sky isn’t falling and I need that reassurance from you too.  I need to be reminded to slow down and not make irrational decisions.  Overall, be supportive and talk to me.  When I cannot stand on my own two legs, be the quiet strength that I need because I’ll never ask for it.

*Terry Goodkind, Wizards First Rule

A Day of Apathy

I had no desire to speak to anyone yesterday.  I made it to work but I did as little as possible.  For most of the day I wrote, read Facebook along with my favorite blogs and listened to music.  I didn't really care what was going on around me.  My co-worker mentioned I was quiet and asked what was wrong.  What can I say?  I have cycled heavily for the past two months and now I feel drained.  Mood cycles up and down as rapidly and frequently as I have been having is hard on my mind and body.  Some days I just want to give up, put my life in someone else's hands and just... be.  Let someone else pilot this body for a while.  Unfortunately, that's not going to happen.

For breakfast I made a couple pieces of turkey bacon along with two pumpkin pancakes.  I brought them to work with me and used sugar-free syrup.  With my coffee, my breakfast was a total of 359 calories.  Lunch was left over salmon over a bed of greens and homemade dijon vinaigrette.  Total calories for lunch was 402.  Dinner I baked lemon chicken with whole grain lemon orzo (it was a lemon kinda night).  Total calories for dinner that included a Skinny Cow mint ice cream sandwich was 701 calories.

Overall my food intake was pretty good.  I ate all my allotted calories for the day which felt great.  I even went to the gym and did 20 minutes on the elliptical and 10 minutes of pumped up strength training with my upper body.  Rather than resting and taking my time when I'm strength training I push harder and quicker with the weights.

Since I started running on the elliptical for my exercise and taking the stairs daily at work my quadriceps have been inflamed.  Last night was no exception.  I laid in bed and they were so sore I couldn't sleep.  All I wanted was for someone to massage them with eucalyptus oil so that I could rest and go back to sleep.  Add on to that the pressure that I've had in my head for the past two days and I nearly started crying.  It took me a while but I finally got back to sleep.  This morning, my quads hurt just as much as last night.  I've already taken naproxen sodium and acetaminophen to try and help.

Later this morning I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist.  I finally broke down and decided to make an appointment to talk about medications again.  I've suffered from bipolar disorder (cyclothymia), ADHD, and generalized anxiety disorder for years.  I've been able to cope on my own but lately it feels like I am not able to any longer.  I'm cycling far too much and I've had way too many anxiety attacks over the last couple months.  It's starting to affect my quality of life.  I don't want to be drugged up.  I don't like how it makes me feel - numb.  We'll see what he has to say.

Weekend Recap - Part 1

This weekend was emotionally rough for me with the first anniversary of my father’s death coming up on Oct. 5^th.  I’ve also been cycling up and down frequently for the past 2-3 months which is abnormal for me.  I have cyclothymia – a form of bipolar disorder.  For days I will cycle very low and experience profound depression.  When I come out of the depression cycle, I tend to be hypomanic (not hypermanic).

When I’m low, I can get really low.  During this low swing I will cry and have irrational thoughts while the world seems to be a bleak place for me.  I don’t want to talk to people and I usually pull away into my own little bubble.  It is very difficult to find my way out of these feelings and takes a few days for my neurochemistry to even out again.

The great part about having cyclothymia is before my neurochemistry has a chance to regulate itself I usually swing into a hypomanic mood first.  During this cycle I experience a euphoric state and can quickly become agitated.  Unlike when I am depressed I am talkative, confident and assertive.  I also appear to be flighty, have short-term memory problems and I change my mind often.  I am probably a little narcissistic too but I tend to keep that side of myself at bay.

Thankfully I am not an emotional eater.  In fact, I am the opposite.  When I am emotional, I am overly critical of myself and that includes my food intake.  I am working really hard to lose weight and I’ve lost 24 pounds in the last 10 weeks.  I feel great.  People around me tell me they can see the change – I cannot see it so much as feel it (especially in my clothes).

Friday my girlfriends and I went to a bar that was unveiling a new beer that was brewed with the collaboration of two breweries nearby.  It ended up being a dull night.  Rather than sticking to my diet I gave myself a reprieve and ate Chicago style pizza and a Greek salad.  It was good, but I regretted it the next day.  I tried not to beat myself up too bad considering weight loss is not about the short term but about the long haul.  It’s a marathon and not a sprint.  One day of eating badly is not going to derail me from my goal.

Saturday morning started out rough.  Before I explain Saturday it must be known that a person like me with cyclothymia does not handle ambiguity well.  We see things in black and white – not in shades of grey. 

Earlier in the week a friend sent me an e-mail stating he was going to take his dog to the farmers market and then the park.  Since he didn’t specifically ask me if I wanted to join him I replied back asking if he wanted company.  He replied sarcastically with “No, I just thought I’d tease you with it.”  Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand that I have difficulty with ambiguity.  I have trouble seeing the forest from the trees – well – more like trouble seeing the tree in the forest since I’m counting the leaves.  We agreed to meet at 8am but he didn’t specify where. 

So here I am driving to his place since I figured we would ride together.  Last week when we planned this same trip I was to meet at his place and we would ride together but his work plans got in the way.  At about a mile away from his place I get a text message from him that he’s early.  What?!?!?!?  I ask if he’s at the market and he was.  Well, crap!  So I text him that I’m running late (I didn’t want to admit that I misunderstood) and I’ll be there soon.  I turned around and made it to the farmers market about five minutes after 8am. 

At this point I’m frustrated.  Things are not starting off well for me this morning.  I have NOT had my coffee and I have not had food.  I am upset at myself for not understanding where we should meet and for getting my hopes up to spending the day with him.

We walk around the farmers market and pick up a few items.  Then we start walking toward his car.  In fear of being wrong again I stopped and asked where I am going.  Am I riding with him or should I be heading toward my own car?  That’s when he told me I could ride with him.  I finally admitted that I misunderstood his messages and went to his place first.  We glossed over the ambiguity issue.  This tells me we need to have a talk about communication.

The dog park was fun.  We walked around a bit and then sat on the bench watching his dog play in the lake.  I adore the affection he gives me.  He put his arm around me and caressed the skin under the sleeve of my shirt.  I sunk into his side and rested my head on his shoulder.  It always sends warm fuzzy feelings to my brain.  I never have to worry about upholding my end of a conversation with him.  I can be quiet and introverted all I want.  He doesn’t push me to talk, he just lets me be.

On the way back to my car the area around the market was crowded with cars and people walking.  I had asked my friend to let me out so that I could simply walk to my car.  He was being a gentleman and offered to drive me to my car.  While he was attempting to navigate the cars and the people, while listening to my directions, he missed a turn.  I have trouble in crowds and this started flaring my anxiety.  I was doing everything I could to maintain composure as I did not want to have a full-on anxiety attack in the car sitting next to him.  I asked again to let me walk but he was determined to drive me to my car.  By the time we made our way to my vehicle I was so flustered that I couldn’t think straight and nearly left my phone in his vehicle.  I just wanted out of there.

I left fairly upset with myself.  I wanted more time with him since he makes me feel good.  He is my “safe place”.  Unfortunately, he had to work so that was out of the question.  Not wanting to be alone I called up my best girlfriend.  Although the morning started off rough, we ended up having a great day together between shopping and an early dinner.  A little retail therapy and BFF support never hurts.