Love and Grief

Often there are moments just after my mind wakes but my body hasn’t fully begun to function that I lay in bed and ponder such things as why am I here and why am I the way I am.  These few moments in the morning give me a time to be introspective and contemplate the world around me.  I also take these few moments and think on more spiritual thoughts as well.  Sometimes these thoughts make me happy; more often than not these thoughts make me sad and emotional.

As I consider recent events in my life I have to ask myself why people gravitate toward one another.  What is the meaning of love and why do we look for it in every corner and every person?  Recently I’ve been re-examining the idea of love and relationships and what I need from another person.  It seems that no matter what happens, every relationship is going to end and hurt at some point.  Why do we continue to do this to ourselves?  Why do we inflict so much pain on each other?  Are we all serial masochists and don’t realize it?

Every relationship will eventually end.  That’s what my therapist taught me.  As harsh as it is, those were his exact words.  I was shocked and stunned by his frankness on the subject.  How can he say these things to me when I’m grieving the loss of so many people and relationships?  I had to stop and consider this theory, and as analytical as I am, I realize he’s right.  Every relationship we have with someone will end.  Whether it is by death of one person or because one person no longer wanted to be in the relationship, it will end.

It saddens me to realize how true these words are, especially for me.  Sometimes I think the loss that I’ve experienced is insurmountable and I cannot function.  I wonder how it is that I go on living my life day to day with this terrible feeling.  The grief that I carry around with me engulfs me on a daily basis.  It’s become my shelter, my shield, and my protector.  It keeps me from forming long-lasting bonds with people, and when I do push aside grief to let someone into my life, I end up ruining it in some way.  I don’t realize this is what I am doing until it is too late and the damage is done.  It just happens.

This morning grief and I had a conversation.  He reminded me that I am alone and that he will always be with me to share in my troubles and help me find the dark places in my soul.  I took comfort in knowing that grief will not leave me as he will continue to be there for me to help me detach when I attempt to let another person love me.  He will be there like a black knight to protect me from further injury to my soul and remind me that this relationship will destroy itself like all others and not to get attached.

I finally got out of bed and made my way into the kitchen.  I need that morning pleasure of coffee to comfort my soul.  I stand in the kitchen and water Shyla, my eastern lily that was given to me when my dog Shyla passed.  She’s been growing so big lately that I had to repot her into a bigger pot.  I take a few moments to think back to a happier time when I felt like I could move forward; a time I wasn’t so paralyzed.  I let the moment pass in fear the sadness will be overwhelming.  I curl up in bed with my morning yumminess and I grab for my pills, these pills that keep my heart rhythm from becoming out of whack, and I realize I’m missing one.  How long has it been since I’ve had my anti-depressant? 

As I sit in the dark sipping my coffee that is quickly turning cold, I think about why it is I take the anti-depressant.  Am I fooled as much as every other American in the belief that I can take a magic pill and it will suddenly make me happy again?  Maybe I should just stop taking it and let the depression engulf me.  It is after all where I find I am most comfortable.  My depression has a way of keeping people at arm’s length and maybe that is for the better.  It keeps me isolated and anti-social so that I don’t have to talk to people, nor do I want to talk to others.

My coffee is cold.  The air is cold.  My room is dark.  The world is silent.  My bed is comfortable.  I’ll just stay here today and let the world go on without me.

Introversion, The Dungeon, and Goodbye

A few weeks ago I saw on FetLife that the local Munch was gathering and had a beginner Munch just before the main Munch.  Since I tend to be anti-social and I need to meet more people in the BDSM community, I figured I would attend.  It would be a great way to get to know people, especially since I’m single and would possibly like to date.

The morning arrives and I’m feeling pretty good about the day ahead.  My bathroom has been a disaster so I clean most of the morning before showering and getting ready for the day.  It felt good to clear away the clutter of my bathroom counter and clean everything.  It felt like a new start.

I get to the restaurant and I sit in the parking lot for several minutes.  I’m really nervous.  I’m scared to meet new people.  I wonder if I will fit in; or will I be social and talk; or will I panic?  This is a very difficult moment and I kept seeing myself backing out and going home.  But, I’m here.  I can’t go back now. 

I pull up my big girl panties and walk into the restaurant.  I greet the hostess as I walk in but here’s a quandary:  Do I ask the hostess where the kinky people are meeting or do I ask where the Munch is meeting?  Then I wonder, do they even know what a Munch is?

For those of you that don’t know what a Munch is, it’s a gathering of like-minded people in the BDSM community.  They meet in vanilla locations, wearing vanilla clothing and discuss the everyday topics or topics of the lifestyle.  The Orlando Munch is an organization that is dedicated to bringing quality lifestyle education to the Orlando community as well.

This is my first Munch so I’m really nervous and not quite sure what to expect.  That past few times I’ve been to the local dungeon, The Woodshed, I’ve been greeted by very accepting and wonderful people.  I’ve never had any concerns with the people I’ve met in the lifestyle.

So here I am at the hostess station and rather than ask where the Munch is gathering I ask if there is a group of people meeting today and where are they?  The hostess knew right away and sent me off to the meeting room at the back of the restaurant.  The first person I met was Cardinal_Chris (see FL).  He was a very nice man and greeted me warmly.  I found the nametags and labeled myself and my orientation (submissive looking for a Dominant).  Well, to be honest I first put the wrong label on my nametag as a switch, but I quickly fixed it.

A few other people arrived shortly after me for the beginners meeting.  We talked and they asked questions since they were new to the lifestyle.  I’ve been in the lifestyle for over two years now and although I’m not exactly new, I’m still new at meeting people in the community.

Since I’ve been interested in littles, babygirls, and Daddy Dominants lately I figured this would be a good time to inquire.  A young lady had joined us named Rue.  She explained she had a little and a kitty.  She was so cute and had such a bubbly personality.  I loved her.  I wish I was able to express my personality as easier as she is able to express hers.  Unfortunately, my analytical side doesn’t let me let out my younger self very often as she feels it’s wrong.  I should be a grown-up 24/7.  It’s maddening sometimes.

As time went on, a few more people started showing up for the regular Munch.  The meeting room started filling up but all the beginners stayed at the same table while people filled in around us.  It was great to continue sitting with the same people since I felt comfortable with them.  When I get comfortable I try not to navigate away from it if I can and these people made me feel safe.

After several hours of talking both on the topic of kink and vanilla, I felt tired and needed a break from being social.  I said my goodbyes and hugged everyone.  I don’t normally touch people but I felt a kindred with these people that I don’t always feel.  Throughout the Munch I was kept checking my phone for a message from Paul.  I really wanted to see him later.  Lately he’s become my safe place when I need comfort and after a day of being social I needed him.  He is often unreachable unfortunately.  I don’t know if he does it on purpose or not but I emailed him and texted him but didn’t get a response.  It’s very frustrating since I care about him a lot.

I left and made my way to Brian’s place where I dropped off the milk stout growler I picked up for him at Saltwater Brewery a few weeks ago.  I also went through Mickey’s pots and pans and took what I wanted.  As I was leaving I texted Paul again and finally got a response – “I’m going out tonight”.  That’s all it said.  In my head I keep thinking he’s got a date.  He’s going to see another woman.  My jealousy just keeps sending me to very dark places. 

As much as I want to be, we’re not in a relationship.  We are just friends.  He’s allowed to date if he chooses.  It just really hurts, especially when I’ve told him over and over that I want more from him.  He’s willing to continue be friends and cuddle but nothing more.  In my head this tells me that I’m not good enough.  Something is wrong with me.  I’m not smart enough, skinny enough, submissive enough, something.  I’ve brought it up in the past but he doesn’t tell me what it is.  All he says is he doesn’t know what he wants.  So, am I holding on to something or am I holding onto nothing?

I decide then that I will join the Munch class at the Woodshed.  The class was being held on T.H.I.R.D. which stands for Trust, Honor, Integrity, Respect, and Discipline.  It was a great class.  I rarely think about discipline that I impose on myself; I’ve also considered discipline to be something inflicted on me by someone else for an incorrect behavior.  This class discussed how we should be disciplined within our own lives such as being disciplined to make it to work on time. 

I started thinking about how I lack discipline in several areas of my life – mainly domestic.  I don’t clean enough and keep things neat and tidy.  I tend to through things around and clutter up my environment.  I need to be more disciplined with myself and create a routine to keep my environment orderly and uncluttered.  This would be a good start to keeping my life in the same shape and would help me on an emotional level.  When my environment is uncluttered, I feel like my spirit is uncluttered as well.  Just as in Feng Shui, my surrounding environment plays a big role in how my spirit is impacted.

Being disciplined with my environment and also my spirit and emotions appealed to me as well.  I need to learn to be disciplined with the way I interact with other people and discovery what I want with my life.  Not everyone thinks like me and I get over-invested in people easily.  I am still trying to figure out what this means, but it’s time that I do some introspective learning to figure out who I really am and what I want from life.  Until now I’ve been floating in the wind from one branch to another with no aim or direction.  It’s scary but it’s also liberating at the same time.  I no longer want to be vulnerable to other people and how they treat me.

I stayed for the dungeon as well.  I found a spot on one of the couches along the back wall that let me see the entire dungeon.  I became a wall flower on the couch and watched people.  A few of the DM’s (dungeon monitors) came to check on me since I was not interacting with other people.  I told them I’m introverted and I’m doing okay.  I didn’t really want to interact with other people, but I enjoyed the energy of the dungeon.  The people were emanating an energy that was incredibly soothing to my soul.  I felt peace and happiness just sitting alone by myself.  I didn’t feel stressed or anxious at all.

Toward the end of my night a gentlemen came over to say hi since he noticed I was not talking to other people.  I smiled at him and spoke to him in a soft voice explaining I was introverted and happy just sitting on the couch.  He picked up right away that I was a submissive and teased me about it.  Of course I blushed and became embarrassed, trying to sink myself further into the couch.  He sat down next to me and we talked for a bit.  Then he showed me his toys which he pointed out made my eyes glaze over in fascination.

I gave him permission to touch me and he used a small hand-held flogger on my thighs and arms.  The impact was delightful and made me smile.  Then he started tickling me a bit which made me giggle and squirm.  The little girl that usually hides away inside of me started coming to the surface.  She felt free sitting on that couch to be herself and find amusement in the tickling and touch.  When he started petting my hair I found myself soaring with such joy and excitement it was hard to maintain composure.  I enjoyed letting her out to play for a bit and it left me feeling “high” from the endorphins disseminating throughout my brain.

I left the dungeon realizing that I need to let this person inside me be free more often.  I loved the feeling she gave me.  The time that I spent alone and the experience of being free at the Woodshed allowed me to realize that unless significant changes are made Paul will never be able to make me feel the way I did tonight.  I’m okay with being his friend; I’m okay with cuddles; and I’m okay with going places with him but we’ll never be in a relationship as we are.  I sent him an email essentially saying goodbye.  I told him that if and when he needed me or wanted to see me I would be there, but it’s up to him to make the connection.  I am no longer going to force him to interact with me nor have conversations that are one sided.  It hurt but it was necessary.