Being Manic

Most people don’t understand what it is like to live with a mood cycling disorder so let me give you a little taste of what the roller coaster we suffer from on a daily basis.  For months I’ve been depressed with feelings of isolation, grief, loneliness and complete despair.  It’s caused me to push away the people that love me the most and withdraw from the world around me.  It makes me see a delusional reality filled with distrust, anger and cynicism.

Recently the fear of losing an important relationship caused me to snap out of this depression streak.  Overnight I went from a moody, depressed, and miserable existence to one filled with happiness, hopefulness and the feeling of being giddy all the time.  It was like a light switch that was flipped in my brain.

My thoughts come rapidly like a freight train that is careening off course, or better multiple freight trains.  I have a tremendous amount of energy that I cannot contain.  My speech is rapid and my hands flail all over the place as I talk.  I don’t quite have grandiose thoughts but they are up there.  I act on impulse rather than thinking through my decisions in an analytical fashion and I don’t worry about the repercussions.  In other words, I feel like I am flying and I don’t want to come down.

As for chemically what is happening in my brain, I have an excess of serotonin and norepinephrine running free.  These two hormones are what creates the manic state in a person that has bipolar disorder.  The serotonin is necessary but there are not enough receptacles to attract the serotonin and therefore it produces the elated feelings.  This also increases the norepinephrine which results in the erratic behavior that I experienced along with the increased heart rate and blood pressure.

When a bipolar patient is experiencing the depressed side of the spectrum, the serotonin levels are very low and there are too many receptacles waiting for the brain to release more of this hormone.  The reduction of serotonin causes the negative feelings, the lack of enthusiasm and dreads the goes along with depression. 

While it is easy to discuss the chemical reaction that occurs in the brain, the resulting emotions are much more difficult to describe.  When I am manic like I am today I feel like I want to bounce off the walls.  I laugh easily and there is not enough stimulation in the world to keep my attention.  I want to run and jump and play and be happy.  I don’t want to think about anything that can ruin this high nor do I want to control it.  I just want to be free.

As I meander through this stage I am very much aware of what is happening to me.  It’s like I am a bystander watching my life careen out of control as if I’m having an out of body experience.  I’m watching myself from above with no care to stop myself.  This part of me that is floating above me just watches and waits for that next moment that is going to bring me crashing back to earth.  Eventually it will happen.  Something will hit me and reverse the chemical reaction in my brain to make me depressed again.  It’s just a matter of time.  So until then, I will enjoy this ride for all it’s worth.

Hypomania

I am still in a hypomanic state today.  It’s not as bad as yesterday, but it is still mania.  The mania I experienced yesterday was intense.  As I sat at my desk working I couldn’t focus all day on one task; my mind kept wandering all over the place like a runaway freight train.  I was giddy and child-like most of the day and I couldn’t keep from bouncing all over the place.  I would get up frequently to talk to a co-worker that joined me for the day and he recognized my giddiness too.  My speech was as rapid as my thoughts as we talked and he just laughed.

While being in this hypomanic state, the emotions I have had over losing my friendship is not quite as bad as it has been.  I don’t feel the need to cry and isolate myself at the moment. I’m more forward and sure of myself today.  It’s a good place to be but still not exactly healthy.  My mind is still circling around all the recent events and playing “armchair quarterback” with the lost friendship.  I have to stop myself almost every hour from reaching out to this person over and over again.  I know he needs his space and time but I want his attention – I want him to hear me out so desperately and understand where I was coming from.

I feel like I am at the peak of a roller coaster, enjoying the thrill and exhilaration of the unknown.  I’m going to make the best of my circumstances and enjoy where I am today.  I will not make rash decisions as this could be detrimental for me while I am in this state.

Ruined Friendship

One of the problems with having a mood cycling disorder is that there are times that I can cycle without any warning and it will be oblivious to me.  I usually don’t know what is happening until it is too late.  Then I have to go back and fix my mistakes once I  become self-aware again.

Unfortunately, I cycled hard today and I ruined a friendship that I fear I will never get back; a friendship that I have relied on to be there for me when I’ve needed him the most.  I cycled into a hypomanic phase, and while in this phase if I am not aware it is happening, a tiny problem the size of a grain of sand could send me over the cliff.  That is exactly what happened.  I became angry and obsessive over a simple request.  I couldn’t get out of my own head to realize what I was doing and it became a slippery slope.  When all was said and done, I lost one of my dearest friends.

I hate what I did.  I can’t take it back.  I so desperately want to take it back but it’s done.  I can never be forgiven, not only by him but by myself as well.  I was hateful and vengeful and was hurt so I wanted to hurt him back.  I succeeded. 

The problem with people that have a mood cycling disorder is that not everything our brains tell us is true.  It might feel like the truth, but it’s not.  I can read a statement and take it at face value but then let my brain analyze it for several minutes and the meaning of that statement has completely evolved.  My brain has transitioned something that means nothing into so much more that I need to protect myself from.  I can’t just take a step back and let it be what it is.  I have to over analyze everything.

Fear also becomes my brain’s self-defense mechanism.  Fear and anxiety subconsciously kick in to protect me which causes me to be paralyzed and sometimes make irrational decisions.  I can’t make a decision on anything that feels threatening or make changes that could potentially create huge conflict.  There is already too much change constantly happening within my brain that I can’t move forward or risk implosion.

What it basically comes down to is that there is a lot of muck in my brain that I have to deal with on a moment by moment basis; no, make that second by second.  I constantly have to consider what state of mind I am in and where I am in the cycle charts.  When I forget to be self-aware, problems like this arise.  When I get overwhelmed by changes and other factors in day-to-day life I can lose touch with where I am in the spectrum and lose touch with reality. 

I hope that I can salvage this friendship but I know it will never be the same.  I didn’t act with integrity and there is no excuse for my actions.  If I could jump in a Tardis and go back in time to stop myself from making this mistake I would.  Honestly, I’d go back several months and change my actions.  We would be on stronger footing today if I did.  Instead, I will go off to my corner and cry for a lost friendship.

Weekend Recap - Part 1

This weekend was emotionally rough for me with the first anniversary of my father’s death coming up on Oct. 5^th.  I’ve also been cycling up and down frequently for the past 2-3 months which is abnormal for me.  I have cyclothymia – a form of bipolar disorder.  For days I will cycle very low and experience profound depression.  When I come out of the depression cycle, I tend to be hypomanic (not hypermanic).

When I’m low, I can get really low.  During this low swing I will cry and have irrational thoughts while the world seems to be a bleak place for me.  I don’t want to talk to people and I usually pull away into my own little bubble.  It is very difficult to find my way out of these feelings and takes a few days for my neurochemistry to even out again.

The great part about having cyclothymia is before my neurochemistry has a chance to regulate itself I usually swing into a hypomanic mood first.  During this cycle I experience a euphoric state and can quickly become agitated.  Unlike when I am depressed I am talkative, confident and assertive.  I also appear to be flighty, have short-term memory problems and I change my mind often.  I am probably a little narcissistic too but I tend to keep that side of myself at bay.

Thankfully I am not an emotional eater.  In fact, I am the opposite.  When I am emotional, I am overly critical of myself and that includes my food intake.  I am working really hard to lose weight and I’ve lost 24 pounds in the last 10 weeks.  I feel great.  People around me tell me they can see the change – I cannot see it so much as feel it (especially in my clothes).

Friday my girlfriends and I went to a bar that was unveiling a new beer that was brewed with the collaboration of two breweries nearby.  It ended up being a dull night.  Rather than sticking to my diet I gave myself a reprieve and ate Chicago style pizza and a Greek salad.  It was good, but I regretted it the next day.  I tried not to beat myself up too bad considering weight loss is not about the short term but about the long haul.  It’s a marathon and not a sprint.  One day of eating badly is not going to derail me from my goal.

Saturday morning started out rough.  Before I explain Saturday it must be known that a person like me with cyclothymia does not handle ambiguity well.  We see things in black and white – not in shades of grey. 

Earlier in the week a friend sent me an e-mail stating he was going to take his dog to the farmers market and then the park.  Since he didn’t specifically ask me if I wanted to join him I replied back asking if he wanted company.  He replied sarcastically with “No, I just thought I’d tease you with it.”  Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand that I have difficulty with ambiguity.  I have trouble seeing the forest from the trees – well – more like trouble seeing the tree in the forest since I’m counting the leaves.  We agreed to meet at 8am but he didn’t specify where. 

So here I am driving to his place since I figured we would ride together.  Last week when we planned this same trip I was to meet at his place and we would ride together but his work plans got in the way.  At about a mile away from his place I get a text message from him that he’s early.  What?!?!?!?  I ask if he’s at the market and he was.  Well, crap!  So I text him that I’m running late (I didn’t want to admit that I misunderstood) and I’ll be there soon.  I turned around and made it to the farmers market about five minutes after 8am. 

At this point I’m frustrated.  Things are not starting off well for me this morning.  I have NOT had my coffee and I have not had food.  I am upset at myself for not understanding where we should meet and for getting my hopes up to spending the day with him.

We walk around the farmers market and pick up a few items.  Then we start walking toward his car.  In fear of being wrong again I stopped and asked where I am going.  Am I riding with him or should I be heading toward my own car?  That’s when he told me I could ride with him.  I finally admitted that I misunderstood his messages and went to his place first.  We glossed over the ambiguity issue.  This tells me we need to have a talk about communication.

The dog park was fun.  We walked around a bit and then sat on the bench watching his dog play in the lake.  I adore the affection he gives me.  He put his arm around me and caressed the skin under the sleeve of my shirt.  I sunk into his side and rested my head on his shoulder.  It always sends warm fuzzy feelings to my brain.  I never have to worry about upholding my end of a conversation with him.  I can be quiet and introverted all I want.  He doesn’t push me to talk, he just lets me be.

On the way back to my car the area around the market was crowded with cars and people walking.  I had asked my friend to let me out so that I could simply walk to my car.  He was being a gentleman and offered to drive me to my car.  While he was attempting to navigate the cars and the people, while listening to my directions, he missed a turn.  I have trouble in crowds and this started flaring my anxiety.  I was doing everything I could to maintain composure as I did not want to have a full-on anxiety attack in the car sitting next to him.  I asked again to let me walk but he was determined to drive me to my car.  By the time we made our way to my vehicle I was so flustered that I couldn’t think straight and nearly left my phone in his vehicle.  I just wanted out of there.

I left fairly upset with myself.  I wanted more time with him since he makes me feel good.  He is my “safe place”.  Unfortunately, he had to work so that was out of the question.  Not wanting to be alone I called up my best girlfriend.  Although the morning started off rough, we ended up having a great day together between shopping and an early dinner.  A little retail therapy and BFF support never hurts.