This weekend was emotionally rough for me with the first anniversary
of my father’s death coming up on Oct. 5th. I’ve also been cycling up and down frequently
for the past 2-3 months which is abnormal for me. I have cyclothymia – a form of bipolar
disorder. For days I will cycle very low
and experience profound depression. When
I come out of the depression cycle, I tend to be hypomanic (not hypermanic).
When I’m low, I can get really low. During this low swing I will cry and have
irrational thoughts while the world seems to be a bleak place for me. I don’t want to talk to people and I usually
pull away into my own little bubble. It
is very difficult to find my way out of these feelings and takes a few days for
my neurochemistry to even out again.
The great part about having cyclothymia is before my
neurochemistry has a chance to regulate itself I usually swing into a hypomanic
mood first. During this cycle I experience
a euphoric state and can quickly become agitated. Unlike when I am depressed I am talkative,
confident and assertive. I also appear
to be flighty, have short-term memory problems and I change my mind often. I am probably a little narcissistic too but I
tend to keep that side of myself at bay.
Thankfully I am not an emotional eater. In fact, I am the opposite. When I am emotional, I am overly critical of
myself and that includes my food intake.
I am working really hard to lose weight and I’ve lost 24 pounds in the
last 10 weeks. I feel great. People around me tell me they can see the
change – I cannot see it so much as feel it (especially in my clothes).
Friday my girlfriends and I went to a bar that was unveiling
a new beer that was brewed with the collaboration of two breweries nearby. It ended up being a dull night. Rather than sticking to my diet I gave myself
a reprieve and ate Chicago style pizza and a Greek salad. It was good, but I regretted it the next
day. I tried not to beat myself up too
bad considering weight loss is not about the short term but about the long
haul. It’s a marathon and not a
sprint. One day of eating badly is not
going to derail me from my goal.
Saturday morning started out rough. Before I explain Saturday it must be known
that a person like me with cyclothymia does not handle ambiguity well. We see things in black and white – not in
shades of grey.
Earlier in the week a friend sent me an e-mail stating he
was going to take his dog to the farmers market and then the park. Since he didn’t specifically ask me if I
wanted to join him I replied back asking if he wanted company. He replied sarcastically with “No, I just
thought I’d tease you with it.” Unfortunately,
he doesn’t understand that I have difficulty with ambiguity. I have trouble seeing the forest from the
trees – well – more like trouble seeing the tree in the forest since I’m
counting the leaves. We agreed to meet
at 8am but he didn’t specify where.
So here I am driving to his place since I figured we would
ride together. Last week when we planned
this same trip I was to meet at his place and we would ride together but his
work plans got in the way. At about a
mile away from his place I get a text message from him that he’s early. What?!?!?!?
I ask if he’s at the market and he was.
Well, crap! So I text him that I’m
running late (I didn’t want to admit that I misunderstood) and I’ll be there
soon. I turned around and made it to the
farmers market about five minutes after 8am.
At this point I’m frustrated. Things are not starting off well for me this
morning. I have NOT had my coffee and I
have not had food. I am upset at myself
for not understanding where we should meet and for getting my hopes up to
spending the day with him.
We walk around the farmers market and pick up a few
items. Then we start walking toward his
car. In fear of being wrong again I
stopped and asked where I am going. Am I
riding with him or should I be heading toward my own car? That’s when he told me I could ride with
him. I finally admitted that I
misunderstood his messages and went to his place first. We glossed over the ambiguity issue. This tells me we need to have a talk about communication.
The dog park was fun.
We walked around a bit and then sat on the bench watching his dog play
in the lake. I adore the affection he
gives me. He put his arm around me and caressed
the skin under the sleeve of my shirt. I
sunk into his side and rested my head on his shoulder. It always sends warm fuzzy feelings to my
brain. I never have to worry about
upholding my end of a conversation with him.
I can be quiet and introverted all I want. He doesn’t push me to talk, he just lets me
be.
On the way back to my car the area around the market was
crowded with cars and people walking. I
had asked my friend to let me out so that I could simply walk to my car. He was being a gentleman and offered to drive
me to my car. While he was attempting to
navigate the cars and the people, while listening to my directions, he missed a
turn. I have trouble in crowds and this
started flaring my anxiety. I was doing
everything I could to maintain composure as I did not want to have a full-on
anxiety attack in the car sitting next to him.
I asked again to let me walk but he was determined to drive me to my
car. By the time we made our way to my
vehicle I was so flustered that I couldn’t think straight and nearly left my
phone in his vehicle. I just wanted out
of there.
I left fairly upset with myself. I wanted more time with him since he makes me
feel good. He is my “safe place”. Unfortunately, he had to work so that was out
of the question. Not wanting to be alone
I called up my best girlfriend. Although
the morning started off rough, we ended up having a great day together between
shopping and an early dinner. A little
retail therapy and BFF support never hurts.
