Monogamy and Emotional Intimacy

How do you find what you want in a person, or need, when it doesn't seem like it's the norm for most people? I struggle with this daily. I know what I want and need but I can't find it with a person that wants the same things I do - primarily a monogamous relationship that's not completely about sex. How do I find someone that puts just as much priority on emotional intimacy as I do?

I was recently speaking with someone and we discussed the fundamentals of why individuals go out in search of multiple partners. Usually the 80/20 rule plays a big part in non-monogamous situations, whether it's cheating or polyamorous relationships. Most people find 80% of what they are looking for in a soulmate, or partner, but the other 20% isn't found in that person for one reason or another. Rather than being mature in the relationship and making it work (or ending it), the person reaches out to another person to fulfill that 20%.

The problem lies in that the original person gives 100% of their self to the first person and then, in attempt to sustain a quality relationship with another person, they try to give 100% to that person as well. If we go back to our basic grade-school mathematics we see that you cannot give 100% of a whole twice - the math doesn't add up. So which relationship takes the fall? How long does it continue until the deficit is too great with one relationship and jealousy takes over?

Even if non-monogamy is consensual, you are still distracted from dealing with the important issues of the relationship. Non-monogamy is choosing someone else rather than dealing with troubles in the relationship. That person is saying, "I'm not only not mature enough, I'm just going to ignore the problems and find someone to fill in the gap." It becomes a distraction rather than a solution.

I realize people can set up rules for non-monogamous relationships, but to what end? What happens when two people want the same person at the same time? Someone's feelings will get hurt and jealousy happens. This can be damaging to the individual, let alone the relationship.

Being able to control your sexual impulses is a hallmark of sexual and emotional maturity. I wish more people were mature enough to identify what they want and need, then learn to communicate those with others. I would rather have 80% of what I want in a person than share him with someone else.