A few weeks ago I saw on FetLife that the local Munch
was gathering and had a beginner Munch just before the main Munch. Since I tend to be anti-social and I need to
meet more people in the BDSM community, I figured I would attend. It would be a great way to get to know
people, especially since I’m single and would possibly like to date.
The morning arrives and I’m feeling pretty good about the
day ahead. My bathroom has been a
disaster so I clean most of the morning before showering and getting ready for
the day. It felt good to clear away the
clutter of my bathroom counter and clean everything. It felt like a new start.
I get to the restaurant and I sit in the parking lot for
several minutes. I’m really
nervous. I’m scared to meet new
people. I wonder if I will fit in; or
will I be social and talk; or will I panic?
This is a very difficult moment and I kept seeing myself backing out and
going home. But, I’m here. I can’t go back now.
I pull up my big girl panties and walk into the restaurant. I greet the hostess as I walk in but here’s a
quandary: Do I ask the hostess where the
kinky people are meeting or do I ask where the Munch is meeting? Then I wonder, do they even know what a Munch
is?
For those of you that don’t know what a Munch is, it’s a
gathering of like-minded people in the BDSM community. They meet in vanilla locations, wearing
vanilla clothing and discuss the everyday topics or topics of the
lifestyle. The Orlando Munch is an
organization that is dedicated to bringing quality lifestyle education to the Orlando
community as well.
This is my first Munch so I’m really nervous and not quite
sure what to expect. That past few times
I’ve been to the local dungeon, The Woodshed, I’ve been greeted by very
accepting and wonderful people. I’ve
never had any concerns with the people I’ve met in the lifestyle.
So here I am at the hostess station and rather than ask
where the Munch is gathering I ask if there is a group of people meeting today
and where are they? The hostess knew
right away and sent me off to the meeting room at the back of the
restaurant. The first person I met was
Cardinal_Chris (see FL). He was a very
nice man and greeted me warmly. I found
the nametags and labeled myself and my orientation (submissive looking for a
Dominant). Well, to be honest I first
put the wrong label on my nametag as a switch, but I quickly fixed it.
A few other people arrived shortly after me for the
beginners meeting. We talked and they
asked questions since they were new to the lifestyle. I’ve been in the lifestyle for over two years
now and although I’m not exactly new, I’m still new at meeting people in the
community.
Since I’ve been interested in littles, babygirls, and Daddy
Dominants lately I figured this would be a good time to inquire. A young lady had joined us named Rue. She explained she had a little and a kitty. She was so cute and had such a bubbly
personality. I loved her. I wish I was able to express my personality
as easier as she is able to express hers.
Unfortunately, my analytical side doesn’t let me let out my younger self
very often as she feels it’s wrong. I
should be a grown-up 24/7. It’s maddening
sometimes.
As time went on, a few more people started showing up for
the regular Munch. The meeting room
started filling up but all the beginners stayed at the same table while people
filled in around us. It was great to
continue sitting with the same people since I felt comfortable with them. When I get comfortable I try not to navigate
away from it if I can and these people made me feel safe.
After several hours of talking both on the topic of kink and
vanilla, I felt tired and needed a break from being social. I said my goodbyes and hugged everyone. I don’t normally touch people but I felt a
kindred with these people that I don’t always feel. Throughout the Munch I was kept checking my
phone for a message from Paul. I really
wanted to see him later. Lately he’s
become my safe place when I need comfort and after a day of being social I
needed him. He is often unreachable
unfortunately. I don’t know if he does
it on purpose or not but I emailed him and texted him but didn’t get a
response. It’s very frustrating since I
care about him a lot.
I left and made my way to Brian’s place where I dropped off
the milk stout growler I picked up for him at Saltwater Brewery a few weeks
ago. I also went through Mickey’s pots
and pans and took what I wanted. As I
was leaving I texted Paul again and finally got a response – “I’m going out
tonight”. That’s all it said. In my head I keep thinking he’s got a
date. He’s going to see another
woman. My jealousy just keeps sending me
to very dark places.
As much as I want to be, we’re not in a relationship. We are just friends. He’s allowed to date if he chooses. It just really hurts, especially when I’ve
told him over and over that I want more from him. He’s willing to continue be friends and
cuddle but nothing more. In my head this
tells me that I’m not good enough.
Something is wrong with me. I’m
not smart enough, skinny enough, submissive enough, something. I’ve brought it up in the past but he doesn’t
tell me what it is. All he says is he
doesn’t know what he wants. So, am I
holding on to something or am I holding onto nothing?
I decide then that I will join the Munch class at the
Woodshed. The class was being held on
T.H.I.R.D. which stands for Trust, Honor, Integrity, Respect, and
Discipline. It was a great class. I rarely think about discipline that I impose
on myself; I’ve also considered discipline to be something inflicted on me by
someone else for an incorrect behavior. This
class discussed how we should be disciplined within our own lives such as being
disciplined to make it to work on time.
I started thinking about how I lack discipline in several
areas of my life – mainly domestic. I
don’t clean enough and keep things neat and tidy. I tend to through things around and clutter
up my environment. I need to be more
disciplined with myself and create a routine to keep my environment orderly and
uncluttered. This would be a good start
to keeping my life in the same shape and would help me on an emotional
level. When my environment is
uncluttered, I feel like my spirit is uncluttered as well. Just as in Feng Shui, my surrounding
environment plays a big role in how my spirit is impacted.
Being disciplined with my environment and also my spirit and
emotions appealed to me as well. I need
to learn to be disciplined with the way I interact with other people and
discovery what I want with my life. Not
everyone thinks like me and I get over-invested in people easily. I am still trying to figure out what this
means, but it’s time that I do some introspective learning to figure out who I
really am and what I want from life.
Until now I’ve been floating in the wind from one branch to another with
no aim or direction. It’s scary but it’s
also liberating at the same time. I no
longer want to be vulnerable to other people and how they treat me.
I stayed for the dungeon as well. I found a spot on one of the couches along
the back wall that let me see the entire dungeon. I became a wall flower on the couch and
watched people. A few of the DM’s
(dungeon monitors) came to check on me since I was not interacting with other
people. I told them I’m introverted and
I’m doing okay. I didn’t really want to
interact with other people, but I enjoyed the energy of the dungeon. The people were emanating an energy that was
incredibly soothing to my soul. I felt
peace and happiness just sitting alone by myself. I didn’t feel stressed or anxious at all.
Toward the end of my night a gentlemen came over to say hi
since he noticed I was not talking to other people. I smiled at him and spoke to him in a soft
voice explaining I was introverted and happy just sitting on the couch. He picked up right away that I was a
submissive and teased me about it. Of
course I blushed and became embarrassed, trying to sink myself further into the
couch. He sat down next to me and we
talked for a bit. Then he showed me his
toys which he pointed out made my eyes glaze over in fascination.
I gave him permission to touch me and he used a small
hand-held flogger on my thighs and arms.
The impact was delightful and made me smile. Then he started tickling me a bit which made
me giggle and squirm. The little girl
that usually hides away inside of me started coming to the surface. She felt free sitting on that couch to be
herself and find amusement in the tickling and touch. When he started petting my hair I found
myself soaring with such joy and excitement it was hard to maintain
composure. I enjoyed letting her out to
play for a bit and it left me feeling “high” from the endorphins disseminating
throughout my brain.
I left the dungeon realizing that I need to let this person
inside me be free more often. I loved
the feeling she gave me. The time that I
spent alone and the experience of being free at the Woodshed allowed me to
realize that unless significant changes are made Paul will never be able to
make me feel the way I did tonight. I’m
okay with being his friend; I’m okay with cuddles; and I’m okay with going
places with him but we’ll never be in a relationship as we are. I sent him an email essentially saying
goodbye. I told him that if and when he
needed me or wanted to see me I would be there, but it’s up to him to make the
connection. I am no longer going to
force him to interact with me nor have conversations that are one sided. It hurt but it was necessary.
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