Ruined Friendship

One of the problems with having a mood cycling disorder is that there are times that I can cycle without any warning and it will be oblivious to me.  I usually don’t know what is happening until it is too late.  Then I have to go back and fix my mistakes once I  become self-aware again.

Unfortunately, I cycled hard today and I ruined a friendship that I fear I will never get back; a friendship that I have relied on to be there for me when I’ve needed him the most.  I cycled into a hypomanic phase, and while in this phase if I am not aware it is happening, a tiny problem the size of a grain of sand could send me over the cliff.  That is exactly what happened.  I became angry and obsessive over a simple request.  I couldn’t get out of my own head to realize what I was doing and it became a slippery slope.  When all was said and done, I lost one of my dearest friends.

I hate what I did.  I can’t take it back.  I so desperately want to take it back but it’s done.  I can never be forgiven, not only by him but by myself as well.  I was hateful and vengeful and was hurt so I wanted to hurt him back.  I succeeded. 

The problem with people that have a mood cycling disorder is that not everything our brains tell us is true.  It might feel like the truth, but it’s not.  I can read a statement and take it at face value but then let my brain analyze it for several minutes and the meaning of that statement has completely evolved.  My brain has transitioned something that means nothing into so much more that I need to protect myself from.  I can’t just take a step back and let it be what it is.  I have to over analyze everything.

Fear also becomes my brain’s self-defense mechanism.  Fear and anxiety subconsciously kick in to protect me which causes me to be paralyzed and sometimes make irrational decisions.  I can’t make a decision on anything that feels threatening or make changes that could potentially create huge conflict.  There is already too much change constantly happening within my brain that I can’t move forward or risk implosion.

What it basically comes down to is that there is a lot of muck in my brain that I have to deal with on a moment by moment basis; no, make that second by second.  I constantly have to consider what state of mind I am in and where I am in the cycle charts.  When I forget to be self-aware, problems like this arise.  When I get overwhelmed by changes and other factors in day-to-day life I can lose touch with where I am in the spectrum and lose touch with reality. 

I hope that I can salvage this friendship but I know it will never be the same.  I didn’t act with integrity and there is no excuse for my actions.  If I could jump in a Tardis and go back in time to stop myself from making this mistake I would.  Honestly, I’d go back several months and change my actions.  We would be on stronger footing today if I did.  Instead, I will go off to my corner and cry for a lost friendship.