Who Am I?

I have a form of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia.  It is a mood cycling disorder much like the classical bipolar disorder except that my mood cycles are much more acute than a normal bipolar mood cycle.  My cycles can last from hours to days, and can hit me at any given moment with no warning.  This is called rapid-cycling.  Before you assume, I don’t go from calm to bitchy in seconds.  Rapid mood cycling usually takes a few hours and sometimes longer to recognize. 

My brain works differently than most people.  I think in ways most people do not.  I have a crazy, vivid imagination that pops into my brain at random times and gives me inspiration for most aspects of my life.  It also makes me spout out random statements or questions without thinking about the impact on others first.  This I call “foot-in-mouth” disease.

Among a wide range of emotions, I tend to lean toward being an empathetic and understanding person for the most part.  I put others before myself even to the detriment of my own feelings.  I suffer in silence most days and I refuse to cry in front of people when I can help it.  I will love you more than I love myself.  I’m just generally screwed up.

I’m also not good with gray areas.  I need things in my life to be black and white.  When presented with an ambiguous situation I struggle with it and sometimes push away.  I believe in absolutes; everything is a yes or a no or right or wrong for me.  There is absolutely no in between.  It’s stressful since most of the world lives in the gray area of life; especially those I have relationships.

Dealing with ambiguity creates tension for me.  I am quick to make decisions, even when they are not the right decisions.  I don’t think about consequences.  I rarely stop and consider outcomes and sometimes this hurts the people in my life.  I don’t do it intentionally but when posed with a decision I make one with the knowledge I have at hand rather than do research.

These are just a few of the issues I am working with among others.  “I am who I am; no more, no less”*  I know I’m not alone but I often feel like I am.  I try to talk through these feelings but its draining and I don’t want to be a burden to others.  I have my off days and these are generally when I want to hide away in my cave and be alone, or be in the comforting arms of a loved one. 

I will disappoint you; I disappoint myself.  I have to remind myself daily that the sky isn’t falling and I need that reassurance from you too.  I need to be reminded to slow down and not make irrational decisions.  Overall, be supportive and talk to me.  When I cannot stand on my own two legs, be the quiet strength that I need because I’ll never ask for it.

*Terry Goodkind, Wizards First Rule