Being Alone

The other day my childhood friend’s mom passed away suddenly.  She’s 1,000 miles away and I cannot be there for her.  She’s grieving and going through this very difficult time and all I want to do is to take her pain away.  But who’s going to take my pain away?

I know what grieving is like.  I’ve lost so many friends and family members in recent years I feel isolated even though I am surrounded by friends.  Recently I’ve lost a co-worker, Gerry, due to the flu virus and in November I lost one of my closest friends, Mickey.

Mickey was special to me.  He was older and would always tease me about my younger age, or really anything he could find to tease me about.  I loved him and I would do anything for him.

One day in November I took him to the VA to get a routine colonoscopy.  While waiting we sat and talked about our plans for the holidays.  This year we were going to spend them together.  For Thanksgiving he was going to cook a roast and Christmas he was going to make his homemade Italian gravy (red sauce).  I don’t have close family and I was looking forward to spending the holidays with him.

The procedure went well and we had dinner after.  I teased him about eating “old people’s dinner” at TooJay’s because we were eating at 4pm with the rest of the older people that liked to eat early.  A few days later when I hadn’t heard from him I went to his apartment.  All the doors were locked from the inside.  I knew there was trouble.  I called the police who called the fire department to open the door.  The firefighter broke the chain on the backdoor and the police officer entered.  I tried to follow but I was pushed back – hard – and told to go around front.  The officer came back out and looked at me.  No words needed to be said, I knew what happened.  Mickey was dead.

I broke down into hysterics.  I am so grateful for Christine and Shirley being there with me and tried their best to comfort me but none was to be had.  My friend was gone.  He died alone in bed of natural causes.  Mickey always took care of me so now was the time for me to take care of him.  He had no family and always made sure that myself and our good friend Brian were aware of his wishes.  It was a long night but I eventually got his body removed and taken to the funeral home.  Seeing him in a body bag was devastating to say the least.

It’s been a long road trying to deal with the grief of losing him.  Brian and I emptied his apartment of all his belongings and he’s handling the financials along with the estate.  I made it through the holidays but barely.

I am alone.  Sure, like I mentioned I have friends, a mother, two sisters and a grandfather, but I am alone.  Why?  My mother and sister have borderline personality disorder that makes it difficult to keep them in my life.  I choose to communicate with them as little as possible to protect myself.  It’s gotten to the point that when I speak to my mother on the off occasion I don’t have any familial feelings for her that a daughter should have for her mother.  My full sister lives with my mother and we just do not talk to one another.  It’s better that way because she cycles much worse than I do and gets angry at the drop of a hat.

For my friends, it’s challenging for them to understand the cycles of a person that suffers from bipolar disorder so to protect them I keep them at arms distance.  My half-sister lives in Missouri and has a family of her own.  I know she would be there for me whenever I need to talk but I don’t ever want to be a burden.  Not for her or my friends.  So I choose to isolate myself because it’s easier.

For as much as I isolate myself intentionally, I crave for someone to push through the walls that I put up around myself and make me feel worthy of love and affection.  I’m waiting for that one person that will see me for the person that I am, not be afraid and still want to form an intimate, loving relationship.  Instead, I find myself emotionally isolated, lonely and depressed often because I cannot form intimate relationships with people.

This isolation makes me an introvert and experience strong social anxiety.  So my life is essentially a catch-22.  I don’t want to feel as though I’m not supported by others, but the anxiety makes it harder to meet others, be social and develop friendships.  It’s a challenge that has no right answers because I have a social phobia, but I know the only way to cure this phobia is by finding social support from other people.  It makes me spiral into a deep depression sometimes and makes me feel even more lonely.  It also makes me the shy and anxious person that I am.

To deal with this anxiety, I pull away from others and be alone so that I can reduce stress.  When I do go out to spend time with others, I don’t enjoy myself because I fear social situations and the anxiety that can arise from it.  This anxiety creates negative and “black and white” thinking.  I internalize everything to the point that negative thoughts run wild in my head.

The problem with this thought process is that being alone is exactly the opposite of what I need.  There is no cure for social anxiety but distractions help.  Distractions help me to stop overthinking and attempt to live my life.  This is something I cannot do when I’m alone with my own thoughts.  I am trying as hard as I can to overcome the fear of being social.  I’m pushing myself to get out and join the community even if it causes me to shake in fear.  If you see me out somewhere, don’t hesitate to say hi to me.  I may not start the conversation and I may look like I don’t want to talk, but I will promise you that I crave for someone to say hi and talk to me.  Don’t let me run away.