Being Manic

Most people don’t understand what it is like to live with a mood cycling disorder so let me give you a little taste of what the roller coaster we suffer from on a daily basis.  For months I’ve been depressed with feelings of isolation, grief, loneliness and complete despair.  It’s caused me to push away the people that love me the most and withdraw from the world around me.  It makes me see a delusional reality filled with distrust, anger and cynicism.

Recently the fear of losing an important relationship caused me to snap out of this depression streak.  Overnight I went from a moody, depressed, and miserable existence to one filled with happiness, hopefulness and the feeling of being giddy all the time.  It was like a light switch that was flipped in my brain.

My thoughts come rapidly like a freight train that is careening off course, or better multiple freight trains.  I have a tremendous amount of energy that I cannot contain.  My speech is rapid and my hands flail all over the place as I talk.  I don’t quite have grandiose thoughts but they are up there.  I act on impulse rather than thinking through my decisions in an analytical fashion and I don’t worry about the repercussions.  In other words, I feel like I am flying and I don’t want to come down.

As for chemically what is happening in my brain, I have an excess of serotonin and norepinephrine running free.  These two hormones are what creates the manic state in a person that has bipolar disorder.  The serotonin is necessary but there are not enough receptacles to attract the serotonin and therefore it produces the elated feelings.  This also increases the norepinephrine which results in the erratic behavior that I experienced along with the increased heart rate and blood pressure.

When a bipolar patient is experiencing the depressed side of the spectrum, the serotonin levels are very low and there are too many receptacles waiting for the brain to release more of this hormone.  The reduction of serotonin causes the negative feelings, the lack of enthusiasm and dreads the goes along with depression. 

While it is easy to discuss the chemical reaction that occurs in the brain, the resulting emotions are much more difficult to describe.  When I am manic like I am today I feel like I want to bounce off the walls.  I laugh easily and there is not enough stimulation in the world to keep my attention.  I want to run and jump and play and be happy.  I don’t want to think about anything that can ruin this high nor do I want to control it.  I just want to be free.

As I meander through this stage I am very much aware of what is happening to me.  It’s like I am a bystander watching my life careen out of control as if I’m having an out of body experience.  I’m watching myself from above with no care to stop myself.  This part of me that is floating above me just watches and waits for that next moment that is going to bring me crashing back to earth.  Eventually it will happen.  Something will hit me and reverse the chemical reaction in my brain to make me depressed again.  It’s just a matter of time.  So until then, I will enjoy this ride for all it’s worth.

Hypomania

I am still in a hypomanic state today.  It’s not as bad as yesterday, but it is still mania.  The mania I experienced yesterday was intense.  As I sat at my desk working I couldn’t focus all day on one task; my mind kept wandering all over the place like a runaway freight train.  I was giddy and child-like most of the day and I couldn’t keep from bouncing all over the place.  I would get up frequently to talk to a co-worker that joined me for the day and he recognized my giddiness too.  My speech was as rapid as my thoughts as we talked and he just laughed.

While being in this hypomanic state, the emotions I have had over losing my friendship is not quite as bad as it has been.  I don’t feel the need to cry and isolate myself at the moment. I’m more forward and sure of myself today.  It’s a good place to be but still not exactly healthy.  My mind is still circling around all the recent events and playing “armchair quarterback” with the lost friendship.  I have to stop myself almost every hour from reaching out to this person over and over again.  I know he needs his space and time but I want his attention – I want him to hear me out so desperately and understand where I was coming from.

I feel like I am at the peak of a roller coaster, enjoying the thrill and exhilaration of the unknown.  I’m going to make the best of my circumstances and enjoy where I am today.  I will not make rash decisions as this could be detrimental for me while I am in this state.

Oh speed, how I love you!

I have to work today.  It’s not a bad thing.  Sunday’s are days I sit at the office alone, drinking my craft beer (yes, I sometimes drink at work in the afternoon but I don’t get drunk - the company I work for provides us beer on occasion), waiting for any number of world-wide clients to tell me their system is down.  Usually Sundays are very slow days and I only have to do this once every ten weeks.  Not a big deal.  Craft beer and I have an agreement to help each other out.

These past few days I’ve been really down so when I get in my car this morning and The Who start to play Baba O’Riley my heart started pumping with the beat of the drums and my mood instantly changed.  As I pulled onto the interstate I felt my car accelerate up on the ramp at the same rate the music began increasing tempo.  My hands were on the steering wheel at 10 and 2; my eyes were directly on the road ahead thanking fate that the Interstate was fairly clear this morning.

My car easily glides up to 90mph as I race up the interstate.  I barely notice the speed of my car as it continues to accelerate and I sink into my chair focusing on the change in my soul.  I feel the sound of the music in my ears washing away the emptiness and replacing it with peace and serenity.  My mind quiets as the tires on the ground are begging to be pushed further and faster.

As I reach 95 (or maybe even 100mph) I realize I need to slow down.  This is not the Autobahn and I could get a ticket.  I roll back the speedometer to 80mph and continue to float up the interstate.  In this moment I am grateful for a sporty car that can take away my troubles and replace it with quiet exhilaration. 

Unfortunately, the journey ends far too soon as I exit the highway a few miles later.  I want this feeling to continue, I want the speed to engulf me and take me to places where my soul can soar free.  I’m not quiet saddened that the drive is over though since this high that replaced the depression will stay with me for some time.  However, the crash may be detrimental later.

Love and Grief

Often there are moments just after my mind wakes but my body hasn’t fully begun to function that I lay in bed and ponder such things as why am I here and why am I the way I am.  These few moments in the morning give me a time to be introspective and contemplate the world around me.  I also take these few moments and think on more spiritual thoughts as well.  Sometimes these thoughts make me happy; more often than not these thoughts make me sad and emotional.

As I consider recent events in my life I have to ask myself why people gravitate toward one another.  What is the meaning of love and why do we look for it in every corner and every person?  Recently I’ve been re-examining the idea of love and relationships and what I need from another person.  It seems that no matter what happens, every relationship is going to end and hurt at some point.  Why do we continue to do this to ourselves?  Why do we inflict so much pain on each other?  Are we all serial masochists and don’t realize it?

Every relationship will eventually end.  That’s what my therapist taught me.  As harsh as it is, those were his exact words.  I was shocked and stunned by his frankness on the subject.  How can he say these things to me when I’m grieving the loss of so many people and relationships?  I had to stop and consider this theory, and as analytical as I am, I realize he’s right.  Every relationship we have with someone will end.  Whether it is by death of one person or because one person no longer wanted to be in the relationship, it will end.

It saddens me to realize how true these words are, especially for me.  Sometimes I think the loss that I’ve experienced is insurmountable and I cannot function.  I wonder how it is that I go on living my life day to day with this terrible feeling.  The grief that I carry around with me engulfs me on a daily basis.  It’s become my shelter, my shield, and my protector.  It keeps me from forming long-lasting bonds with people, and when I do push aside grief to let someone into my life, I end up ruining it in some way.  I don’t realize this is what I am doing until it is too late and the damage is done.  It just happens.

This morning grief and I had a conversation.  He reminded me that I am alone and that he will always be with me to share in my troubles and help me find the dark places in my soul.  I took comfort in knowing that grief will not leave me as he will continue to be there for me to help me detach when I attempt to let another person love me.  He will be there like a black knight to protect me from further injury to my soul and remind me that this relationship will destroy itself like all others and not to get attached.

I finally got out of bed and made my way into the kitchen.  I need that morning pleasure of coffee to comfort my soul.  I stand in the kitchen and water Shyla, my eastern lily that was given to me when my dog Shyla passed.  She’s been growing so big lately that I had to repot her into a bigger pot.  I take a few moments to think back to a happier time when I felt like I could move forward; a time I wasn’t so paralyzed.  I let the moment pass in fear the sadness will be overwhelming.  I curl up in bed with my morning yumminess and I grab for my pills, these pills that keep my heart rhythm from becoming out of whack, and I realize I’m missing one.  How long has it been since I’ve had my anti-depressant? 

As I sit in the dark sipping my coffee that is quickly turning cold, I think about why it is I take the anti-depressant.  Am I fooled as much as every other American in the belief that I can take a magic pill and it will suddenly make me happy again?  Maybe I should just stop taking it and let the depression engulf me.  It is after all where I find I am most comfortable.  My depression has a way of keeping people at arm’s length and maybe that is for the better.  It keeps me isolated and anti-social so that I don’t have to talk to people, nor do I want to talk to others.

My coffee is cold.  The air is cold.  My room is dark.  The world is silent.  My bed is comfortable.  I’ll just stay here today and let the world go on without me.

Ruined Friendship

One of the problems with having a mood cycling disorder is that there are times that I can cycle without any warning and it will be oblivious to me.  I usually don’t know what is happening until it is too late.  Then I have to go back and fix my mistakes once I  become self-aware again.

Unfortunately, I cycled hard today and I ruined a friendship that I fear I will never get back; a friendship that I have relied on to be there for me when I’ve needed him the most.  I cycled into a hypomanic phase, and while in this phase if I am not aware it is happening, a tiny problem the size of a grain of sand could send me over the cliff.  That is exactly what happened.  I became angry and obsessive over a simple request.  I couldn’t get out of my own head to realize what I was doing and it became a slippery slope.  When all was said and done, I lost one of my dearest friends.

I hate what I did.  I can’t take it back.  I so desperately want to take it back but it’s done.  I can never be forgiven, not only by him but by myself as well.  I was hateful and vengeful and was hurt so I wanted to hurt him back.  I succeeded. 

The problem with people that have a mood cycling disorder is that not everything our brains tell us is true.  It might feel like the truth, but it’s not.  I can read a statement and take it at face value but then let my brain analyze it for several minutes and the meaning of that statement has completely evolved.  My brain has transitioned something that means nothing into so much more that I need to protect myself from.  I can’t just take a step back and let it be what it is.  I have to over analyze everything.

Fear also becomes my brain’s self-defense mechanism.  Fear and anxiety subconsciously kick in to protect me which causes me to be paralyzed and sometimes make irrational decisions.  I can’t make a decision on anything that feels threatening or make changes that could potentially create huge conflict.  There is already too much change constantly happening within my brain that I can’t move forward or risk implosion.

What it basically comes down to is that there is a lot of muck in my brain that I have to deal with on a moment by moment basis; no, make that second by second.  I constantly have to consider what state of mind I am in and where I am in the cycle charts.  When I forget to be self-aware, problems like this arise.  When I get overwhelmed by changes and other factors in day-to-day life I can lose touch with where I am in the spectrum and lose touch with reality. 

I hope that I can salvage this friendship but I know it will never be the same.  I didn’t act with integrity and there is no excuse for my actions.  If I could jump in a Tardis and go back in time to stop myself from making this mistake I would.  Honestly, I’d go back several months and change my actions.  We would be on stronger footing today if I did.  Instead, I will go off to my corner and cry for a lost friendship.

Being Alone

The other day my childhood friend’s mom passed away suddenly.  She’s 1,000 miles away and I cannot be there for her.  She’s grieving and going through this very difficult time and all I want to do is to take her pain away.  But who’s going to take my pain away?

I know what grieving is like.  I’ve lost so many friends and family members in recent years I feel isolated even though I am surrounded by friends.  Recently I’ve lost a co-worker, Gerry, due to the flu virus and in November I lost one of my closest friends, Mickey.

Mickey was special to me.  He was older and would always tease me about my younger age, or really anything he could find to tease me about.  I loved him and I would do anything for him.

One day in November I took him to the VA to get a routine colonoscopy.  While waiting we sat and talked about our plans for the holidays.  This year we were going to spend them together.  For Thanksgiving he was going to cook a roast and Christmas he was going to make his homemade Italian gravy (red sauce).  I don’t have close family and I was looking forward to spending the holidays with him.

The procedure went well and we had dinner after.  I teased him about eating “old people’s dinner” at TooJay’s because we were eating at 4pm with the rest of the older people that liked to eat early.  A few days later when I hadn’t heard from him I went to his apartment.  All the doors were locked from the inside.  I knew there was trouble.  I called the police who called the fire department to open the door.  The firefighter broke the chain on the backdoor and the police officer entered.  I tried to follow but I was pushed back – hard – and told to go around front.  The officer came back out and looked at me.  No words needed to be said, I knew what happened.  Mickey was dead.

I broke down into hysterics.  I am so grateful for Christine and Shirley being there with me and tried their best to comfort me but none was to be had.  My friend was gone.  He died alone in bed of natural causes.  Mickey always took care of me so now was the time for me to take care of him.  He had no family and always made sure that myself and our good friend Brian were aware of his wishes.  It was a long night but I eventually got his body removed and taken to the funeral home.  Seeing him in a body bag was devastating to say the least.

It’s been a long road trying to deal with the grief of losing him.  Brian and I emptied his apartment of all his belongings and he’s handling the financials along with the estate.  I made it through the holidays but barely.

I am alone.  Sure, like I mentioned I have friends, a mother, two sisters and a grandfather, but I am alone.  Why?  My mother and sister have borderline personality disorder that makes it difficult to keep them in my life.  I choose to communicate with them as little as possible to protect myself.  It’s gotten to the point that when I speak to my mother on the off occasion I don’t have any familial feelings for her that a daughter should have for her mother.  My full sister lives with my mother and we just do not talk to one another.  It’s better that way because she cycles much worse than I do and gets angry at the drop of a hat.

For my friends, it’s challenging for them to understand the cycles of a person that suffers from bipolar disorder so to protect them I keep them at arms distance.  My half-sister lives in Missouri and has a family of her own.  I know she would be there for me whenever I need to talk but I don’t ever want to be a burden.  Not for her or my friends.  So I choose to isolate myself because it’s easier.

For as much as I isolate myself intentionally, I crave for someone to push through the walls that I put up around myself and make me feel worthy of love and affection.  I’m waiting for that one person that will see me for the person that I am, not be afraid and still want to form an intimate, loving relationship.  Instead, I find myself emotionally isolated, lonely and depressed often because I cannot form intimate relationships with people.

This isolation makes me an introvert and experience strong social anxiety.  So my life is essentially a catch-22.  I don’t want to feel as though I’m not supported by others, but the anxiety makes it harder to meet others, be social and develop friendships.  It’s a challenge that has no right answers because I have a social phobia, but I know the only way to cure this phobia is by finding social support from other people.  It makes me spiral into a deep depression sometimes and makes me feel even more lonely.  It also makes me the shy and anxious person that I am.

To deal with this anxiety, I pull away from others and be alone so that I can reduce stress.  When I do go out to spend time with others, I don’t enjoy myself because I fear social situations and the anxiety that can arise from it.  This anxiety creates negative and “black and white” thinking.  I internalize everything to the point that negative thoughts run wild in my head.

The problem with this thought process is that being alone is exactly the opposite of what I need.  There is no cure for social anxiety but distractions help.  Distractions help me to stop overthinking and attempt to live my life.  This is something I cannot do when I’m alone with my own thoughts.  I am trying as hard as I can to overcome the fear of being social.  I’m pushing myself to get out and join the community even if it causes me to shake in fear.  If you see me out somewhere, don’t hesitate to say hi to me.  I may not start the conversation and I may look like I don’t want to talk, but I will promise you that I crave for someone to say hi and talk to me.  Don’t let me run away.

Introversion, The Dungeon, and Goodbye

A few weeks ago I saw on FetLife that the local Munch was gathering and had a beginner Munch just before the main Munch.  Since I tend to be anti-social and I need to meet more people in the BDSM community, I figured I would attend.  It would be a great way to get to know people, especially since I’m single and would possibly like to date.

The morning arrives and I’m feeling pretty good about the day ahead.  My bathroom has been a disaster so I clean most of the morning before showering and getting ready for the day.  It felt good to clear away the clutter of my bathroom counter and clean everything.  It felt like a new start.

I get to the restaurant and I sit in the parking lot for several minutes.  I’m really nervous.  I’m scared to meet new people.  I wonder if I will fit in; or will I be social and talk; or will I panic?  This is a very difficult moment and I kept seeing myself backing out and going home.  But, I’m here.  I can’t go back now. 

I pull up my big girl panties and walk into the restaurant.  I greet the hostess as I walk in but here’s a quandary:  Do I ask the hostess where the kinky people are meeting or do I ask where the Munch is meeting?  Then I wonder, do they even know what a Munch is?

For those of you that don’t know what a Munch is, it’s a gathering of like-minded people in the BDSM community.  They meet in vanilla locations, wearing vanilla clothing and discuss the everyday topics or topics of the lifestyle.  The Orlando Munch is an organization that is dedicated to bringing quality lifestyle education to the Orlando community as well.

This is my first Munch so I’m really nervous and not quite sure what to expect.  That past few times I’ve been to the local dungeon, The Woodshed, I’ve been greeted by very accepting and wonderful people.  I’ve never had any concerns with the people I’ve met in the lifestyle.

So here I am at the hostess station and rather than ask where the Munch is gathering I ask if there is a group of people meeting today and where are they?  The hostess knew right away and sent me off to the meeting room at the back of the restaurant.  The first person I met was Cardinal_Chris (see FL).  He was a very nice man and greeted me warmly.  I found the nametags and labeled myself and my orientation (submissive looking for a Dominant).  Well, to be honest I first put the wrong label on my nametag as a switch, but I quickly fixed it.

A few other people arrived shortly after me for the beginners meeting.  We talked and they asked questions since they were new to the lifestyle.  I’ve been in the lifestyle for over two years now and although I’m not exactly new, I’m still new at meeting people in the community.

Since I’ve been interested in littles, babygirls, and Daddy Dominants lately I figured this would be a good time to inquire.  A young lady had joined us named Rue.  She explained she had a little and a kitty.  She was so cute and had such a bubbly personality.  I loved her.  I wish I was able to express my personality as easier as she is able to express hers.  Unfortunately, my analytical side doesn’t let me let out my younger self very often as she feels it’s wrong.  I should be a grown-up 24/7.  It’s maddening sometimes.

As time went on, a few more people started showing up for the regular Munch.  The meeting room started filling up but all the beginners stayed at the same table while people filled in around us.  It was great to continue sitting with the same people since I felt comfortable with them.  When I get comfortable I try not to navigate away from it if I can and these people made me feel safe.

After several hours of talking both on the topic of kink and vanilla, I felt tired and needed a break from being social.  I said my goodbyes and hugged everyone.  I don’t normally touch people but I felt a kindred with these people that I don’t always feel.  Throughout the Munch I was kept checking my phone for a message from Paul.  I really wanted to see him later.  Lately he’s become my safe place when I need comfort and after a day of being social I needed him.  He is often unreachable unfortunately.  I don’t know if he does it on purpose or not but I emailed him and texted him but didn’t get a response.  It’s very frustrating since I care about him a lot.

I left and made my way to Brian’s place where I dropped off the milk stout growler I picked up for him at Saltwater Brewery a few weeks ago.  I also went through Mickey’s pots and pans and took what I wanted.  As I was leaving I texted Paul again and finally got a response – “I’m going out tonight”.  That’s all it said.  In my head I keep thinking he’s got a date.  He’s going to see another woman.  My jealousy just keeps sending me to very dark places. 

As much as I want to be, we’re not in a relationship.  We are just friends.  He’s allowed to date if he chooses.  It just really hurts, especially when I’ve told him over and over that I want more from him.  He’s willing to continue be friends and cuddle but nothing more.  In my head this tells me that I’m not good enough.  Something is wrong with me.  I’m not smart enough, skinny enough, submissive enough, something.  I’ve brought it up in the past but he doesn’t tell me what it is.  All he says is he doesn’t know what he wants.  So, am I holding on to something or am I holding onto nothing?

I decide then that I will join the Munch class at the Woodshed.  The class was being held on T.H.I.R.D. which stands for Trust, Honor, Integrity, Respect, and Discipline.  It was a great class.  I rarely think about discipline that I impose on myself; I’ve also considered discipline to be something inflicted on me by someone else for an incorrect behavior.  This class discussed how we should be disciplined within our own lives such as being disciplined to make it to work on time. 

I started thinking about how I lack discipline in several areas of my life – mainly domestic.  I don’t clean enough and keep things neat and tidy.  I tend to through things around and clutter up my environment.  I need to be more disciplined with myself and create a routine to keep my environment orderly and uncluttered.  This would be a good start to keeping my life in the same shape and would help me on an emotional level.  When my environment is uncluttered, I feel like my spirit is uncluttered as well.  Just as in Feng Shui, my surrounding environment plays a big role in how my spirit is impacted.

Being disciplined with my environment and also my spirit and emotions appealed to me as well.  I need to learn to be disciplined with the way I interact with other people and discovery what I want with my life.  Not everyone thinks like me and I get over-invested in people easily.  I am still trying to figure out what this means, but it’s time that I do some introspective learning to figure out who I really am and what I want from life.  Until now I’ve been floating in the wind from one branch to another with no aim or direction.  It’s scary but it’s also liberating at the same time.  I no longer want to be vulnerable to other people and how they treat me.

I stayed for the dungeon as well.  I found a spot on one of the couches along the back wall that let me see the entire dungeon.  I became a wall flower on the couch and watched people.  A few of the DM’s (dungeon monitors) came to check on me since I was not interacting with other people.  I told them I’m introverted and I’m doing okay.  I didn’t really want to interact with other people, but I enjoyed the energy of the dungeon.  The people were emanating an energy that was incredibly soothing to my soul.  I felt peace and happiness just sitting alone by myself.  I didn’t feel stressed or anxious at all.

Toward the end of my night a gentlemen came over to say hi since he noticed I was not talking to other people.  I smiled at him and spoke to him in a soft voice explaining I was introverted and happy just sitting on the couch.  He picked up right away that I was a submissive and teased me about it.  Of course I blushed and became embarrassed, trying to sink myself further into the couch.  He sat down next to me and we talked for a bit.  Then he showed me his toys which he pointed out made my eyes glaze over in fascination.

I gave him permission to touch me and he used a small hand-held flogger on my thighs and arms.  The impact was delightful and made me smile.  Then he started tickling me a bit which made me giggle and squirm.  The little girl that usually hides away inside of me started coming to the surface.  She felt free sitting on that couch to be herself and find amusement in the tickling and touch.  When he started petting my hair I found myself soaring with such joy and excitement it was hard to maintain composure.  I enjoyed letting her out to play for a bit and it left me feeling “high” from the endorphins disseminating throughout my brain.

I left the dungeon realizing that I need to let this person inside me be free more often.  I loved the feeling she gave me.  The time that I spent alone and the experience of being free at the Woodshed allowed me to realize that unless significant changes are made Paul will never be able to make me feel the way I did tonight.  I’m okay with being his friend; I’m okay with cuddles; and I’m okay with going places with him but we’ll never be in a relationship as we are.  I sent him an email essentially saying goodbye.  I told him that if and when he needed me or wanted to see me I would be there, but it’s up to him to make the connection.  I am no longer going to force him to interact with me nor have conversations that are one sided.  It hurt but it was necessary.