Where Do I Belong?

Last night I was having a particularly low night.  It wasn’t too low, and it was short, but still the thoughts of vulnerability were there.  I snuggled with my stuffie bear I named Gunnor and wondered, “Where do I belong?”

I had a friend that I was close with for a while and we had great communication, but no more.  He’s off doing his own thing and I’m left behind.  I miss this interaction we had and the critical conversations we often shared.  When I had a thought or an idea I wanted to explore, I would send him an e-mail and get a logical, well thought out, response back that challenged my opinion.  I enjoy this type of mental stimulation and I get bored without it.   I haven’t been able to find this type of communication with anyone else and I miss it.  In a way, I feel lost without it and I wonder if I’ll ever find someone that shares the same motivation to learn and share knowledge the same way he did.

All of these thoughts made me depressed but I still had an overall sense that I was okay.  The Seroquel my psychiatrist prescribed has started to take its effect along with the Lexapro I’ve been taking.  I noticed that I’m much calmer and not so manic lately.  My moods feel as though they are stabilizing now and not swinging so wildly like they were.  I know I’m sad but I still have underlying feelings of happiness and the feeling that everything will be okay.  It’s strange how medication can alter our neurochemistry and make us feel this way.

I’ve also noticed that my introversion is becoming stronger now that my disposition is mellowing out.  I find more and more that I don’t need, or want, to talk to anyone.  I sit at work content to do my job while interacting with as few people as possible.  In the evenings, I go home and make my dinner then read while being satisfied to live in my own bubble.  The word truly is “contentment”.  I am not starving for outside communication, or the need to interact with anyone else.  I am enjoying being alone, knowing the world is just outside going on without me and knowing that I could step into it at any time I choose.  I equate this to sitting at a sidewalk café watching the people walk on by, knowing I could join in at any time, but I’m simply happy here sipping my coffee alone and reading a book.  I’m good with letting the world continue to spin without my interaction.

Weekend recap:

This weekend was the 12-hour race at Sebring International Raceway.  This is where Mickey wanted to have his ashes be laid to rest.  I got there and immediately got lost.  Brian paid for a parking pass but I decided to use the free parking outside the track.  He found his way back to turn 10 while I had to walk the entire raceway which is a daunting task to place to navigate to begin with and was leaving me anxious.  Halfway there, I realized I had a small blister forming on the side of my foot that made it difficult to walk which left me even more frustrated than I already was at the moment. 

To get to the infield where Brian had parked, I had to cross over a car bridge with no foot traffic allowed.  The mean police officer yelled at me as I was trying to walk up and ask him how to get across.  He roughly turned me around and told me to wait by the tree and hitch a ride over the bridge.  As I walked up to this tree, I felt tears forming because the anxiety was building and I knew I couldn’t have a break down here, alone.

I stood by the tree and watched vehicle after vehicle cross the bridge and considered who I could ask to give me a ride over the bridge.  I finally gathered myself together and ran up to a large SUV that had his window rolled down and asked for a ride.  Before I even got my question out, he told me to get in the back.  I was stunned.  As I explained to him this was my first time at the track and why I was here, he told me that people do this sort of thing all the time and not to worry.  I felt relieved.  He even asked me if I wanted a ride somewhere on the other side but I jumped out at the base of the bridge.  That was definitely a new experience.

I finally found Brian and Lynn and said hi to Mickey inside Brian’s bag.  We watched the race for a while and then decided to go for a walk.  We found ourselves on a nice bluff between turns three and four where we sat and watched the race for a while longer.  Brian scooted down to the base of the bluff, punctured a hole in Mickey’s bag and laid his cremains out in the grass.  No one said a word to us.  We sat back on the bluff again and watched people walk around his ashes and the race in front of us for a while before deciding to get up and walk around again.

When we found our way back to turn one, and the main strip, I decided it was time for me to go.  My foot was sore and I was tired.  I made my way back to my car and drove away from the track leaving Mickey behind.  I cried most of the way northbound on Hwy 27 out of Sebring.  I kept thinking that he was being left behind and alone.  It was a terrible feeling to have and I couldn’t stop the tears.

I spent the next day with a friend.  We went to the Improv to see Christopher Titus perform.  I had a heavy heart, but the comedy was good.

Introversion, The Dungeon, and Goodbye

A few weeks ago I saw on FetLife that the local Munch was gathering and had a beginner Munch just before the main Munch.  Since I tend to be anti-social and I need to meet more people in the BDSM community, I figured I would attend.  It would be a great way to get to know people, especially since I’m single and would possibly like to date.

The morning arrives and I’m feeling pretty good about the day ahead.  My bathroom has been a disaster so I clean most of the morning before showering and getting ready for the day.  It felt good to clear away the clutter of my bathroom counter and clean everything.  It felt like a new start.

I get to the restaurant and I sit in the parking lot for several minutes.  I’m really nervous.  I’m scared to meet new people.  I wonder if I will fit in; or will I be social and talk; or will I panic?  This is a very difficult moment and I kept seeing myself backing out and going home.  But, I’m here.  I can’t go back now. 

I pull up my big girl panties and walk into the restaurant.  I greet the hostess as I walk in but here’s a quandary:  Do I ask the hostess where the kinky people are meeting or do I ask where the Munch is meeting?  Then I wonder, do they even know what a Munch is?

For those of you that don’t know what a Munch is, it’s a gathering of like-minded people in the BDSM community.  They meet in vanilla locations, wearing vanilla clothing and discuss the everyday topics or topics of the lifestyle.  The Orlando Munch is an organization that is dedicated to bringing quality lifestyle education to the Orlando community as well.

This is my first Munch so I’m really nervous and not quite sure what to expect.  That past few times I’ve been to the local dungeon, The Woodshed, I’ve been greeted by very accepting and wonderful people.  I’ve never had any concerns with the people I’ve met in the lifestyle.

So here I am at the hostess station and rather than ask where the Munch is gathering I ask if there is a group of people meeting today and where are they?  The hostess knew right away and sent me off to the meeting room at the back of the restaurant.  The first person I met was Cardinal_Chris (see FL).  He was a very nice man and greeted me warmly.  I found the nametags and labeled myself and my orientation (submissive looking for a Dominant).  Well, to be honest I first put the wrong label on my nametag as a switch, but I quickly fixed it.

A few other people arrived shortly after me for the beginners meeting.  We talked and they asked questions since they were new to the lifestyle.  I’ve been in the lifestyle for over two years now and although I’m not exactly new, I’m still new at meeting people in the community.

Since I’ve been interested in littles, babygirls, and Daddy Dominants lately I figured this would be a good time to inquire.  A young lady had joined us named Rue.  She explained she had a little and a kitty.  She was so cute and had such a bubbly personality.  I loved her.  I wish I was able to express my personality as easier as she is able to express hers.  Unfortunately, my analytical side doesn’t let me let out my younger self very often as she feels it’s wrong.  I should be a grown-up 24/7.  It’s maddening sometimes.

As time went on, a few more people started showing up for the regular Munch.  The meeting room started filling up but all the beginners stayed at the same table while people filled in around us.  It was great to continue sitting with the same people since I felt comfortable with them.  When I get comfortable I try not to navigate away from it if I can and these people made me feel safe.

After several hours of talking both on the topic of kink and vanilla, I felt tired and needed a break from being social.  I said my goodbyes and hugged everyone.  I don’t normally touch people but I felt a kindred with these people that I don’t always feel.  Throughout the Munch I was kept checking my phone for a message from Paul.  I really wanted to see him later.  Lately he’s become my safe place when I need comfort and after a day of being social I needed him.  He is often unreachable unfortunately.  I don’t know if he does it on purpose or not but I emailed him and texted him but didn’t get a response.  It’s very frustrating since I care about him a lot.

I left and made my way to Brian’s place where I dropped off the milk stout growler I picked up for him at Saltwater Brewery a few weeks ago.  I also went through Mickey’s pots and pans and took what I wanted.  As I was leaving I texted Paul again and finally got a response – “I’m going out tonight”.  That’s all it said.  In my head I keep thinking he’s got a date.  He’s going to see another woman.  My jealousy just keeps sending me to very dark places. 

As much as I want to be, we’re not in a relationship.  We are just friends.  He’s allowed to date if he chooses.  It just really hurts, especially when I’ve told him over and over that I want more from him.  He’s willing to continue be friends and cuddle but nothing more.  In my head this tells me that I’m not good enough.  Something is wrong with me.  I’m not smart enough, skinny enough, submissive enough, something.  I’ve brought it up in the past but he doesn’t tell me what it is.  All he says is he doesn’t know what he wants.  So, am I holding on to something or am I holding onto nothing?

I decide then that I will join the Munch class at the Woodshed.  The class was being held on T.H.I.R.D. which stands for Trust, Honor, Integrity, Respect, and Discipline.  It was a great class.  I rarely think about discipline that I impose on myself; I’ve also considered discipline to be something inflicted on me by someone else for an incorrect behavior.  This class discussed how we should be disciplined within our own lives such as being disciplined to make it to work on time. 

I started thinking about how I lack discipline in several areas of my life – mainly domestic.  I don’t clean enough and keep things neat and tidy.  I tend to through things around and clutter up my environment.  I need to be more disciplined with myself and create a routine to keep my environment orderly and uncluttered.  This would be a good start to keeping my life in the same shape and would help me on an emotional level.  When my environment is uncluttered, I feel like my spirit is uncluttered as well.  Just as in Feng Shui, my surrounding environment plays a big role in how my spirit is impacted.

Being disciplined with my environment and also my spirit and emotions appealed to me as well.  I need to learn to be disciplined with the way I interact with other people and discovery what I want with my life.  Not everyone thinks like me and I get over-invested in people easily.  I am still trying to figure out what this means, but it’s time that I do some introspective learning to figure out who I really am and what I want from life.  Until now I’ve been floating in the wind from one branch to another with no aim or direction.  It’s scary but it’s also liberating at the same time.  I no longer want to be vulnerable to other people and how they treat me.

I stayed for the dungeon as well.  I found a spot on one of the couches along the back wall that let me see the entire dungeon.  I became a wall flower on the couch and watched people.  A few of the DM’s (dungeon monitors) came to check on me since I was not interacting with other people.  I told them I’m introverted and I’m doing okay.  I didn’t really want to interact with other people, but I enjoyed the energy of the dungeon.  The people were emanating an energy that was incredibly soothing to my soul.  I felt peace and happiness just sitting alone by myself.  I didn’t feel stressed or anxious at all.

Toward the end of my night a gentlemen came over to say hi since he noticed I was not talking to other people.  I smiled at him and spoke to him in a soft voice explaining I was introverted and happy just sitting on the couch.  He picked up right away that I was a submissive and teased me about it.  Of course I blushed and became embarrassed, trying to sink myself further into the couch.  He sat down next to me and we talked for a bit.  Then he showed me his toys which he pointed out made my eyes glaze over in fascination.

I gave him permission to touch me and he used a small hand-held flogger on my thighs and arms.  The impact was delightful and made me smile.  Then he started tickling me a bit which made me giggle and squirm.  The little girl that usually hides away inside of me started coming to the surface.  She felt free sitting on that couch to be herself and find amusement in the tickling and touch.  When he started petting my hair I found myself soaring with such joy and excitement it was hard to maintain composure.  I enjoyed letting her out to play for a bit and it left me feeling “high” from the endorphins disseminating throughout my brain.

I left the dungeon realizing that I need to let this person inside me be free more often.  I loved the feeling she gave me.  The time that I spent alone and the experience of being free at the Woodshed allowed me to realize that unless significant changes are made Paul will never be able to make me feel the way I did tonight.  I’m okay with being his friend; I’m okay with cuddles; and I’m okay with going places with him but we’ll never be in a relationship as we are.  I sent him an email essentially saying goodbye.  I told him that if and when he needed me or wanted to see me I would be there, but it’s up to him to make the connection.  I am no longer going to force him to interact with me nor have conversations that are one sided.  It hurt but it was necessary.