Ruined Friendship

One of the problems with having a mood cycling disorder is that there are times that I can cycle without any warning and it will be oblivious to me.  I usually don’t know what is happening until it is too late.  Then I have to go back and fix my mistakes once I  become self-aware again.

Unfortunately, I cycled hard today and I ruined a friendship that I fear I will never get back; a friendship that I have relied on to be there for me when I’ve needed him the most.  I cycled into a hypomanic phase, and while in this phase if I am not aware it is happening, a tiny problem the size of a grain of sand could send me over the cliff.  That is exactly what happened.  I became angry and obsessive over a simple request.  I couldn’t get out of my own head to realize what I was doing and it became a slippery slope.  When all was said and done, I lost one of my dearest friends.

I hate what I did.  I can’t take it back.  I so desperately want to take it back but it’s done.  I can never be forgiven, not only by him but by myself as well.  I was hateful and vengeful and was hurt so I wanted to hurt him back.  I succeeded. 

The problem with people that have a mood cycling disorder is that not everything our brains tell us is true.  It might feel like the truth, but it’s not.  I can read a statement and take it at face value but then let my brain analyze it for several minutes and the meaning of that statement has completely evolved.  My brain has transitioned something that means nothing into so much more that I need to protect myself from.  I can’t just take a step back and let it be what it is.  I have to over analyze everything.

Fear also becomes my brain’s self-defense mechanism.  Fear and anxiety subconsciously kick in to protect me which causes me to be paralyzed and sometimes make irrational decisions.  I can’t make a decision on anything that feels threatening or make changes that could potentially create huge conflict.  There is already too much change constantly happening within my brain that I can’t move forward or risk implosion.

What it basically comes down to is that there is a lot of muck in my brain that I have to deal with on a moment by moment basis; no, make that second by second.  I constantly have to consider what state of mind I am in and where I am in the cycle charts.  When I forget to be self-aware, problems like this arise.  When I get overwhelmed by changes and other factors in day-to-day life I can lose touch with where I am in the spectrum and lose touch with reality. 

I hope that I can salvage this friendship but I know it will never be the same.  I didn’t act with integrity and there is no excuse for my actions.  If I could jump in a Tardis and go back in time to stop myself from making this mistake I would.  Honestly, I’d go back several months and change my actions.  We would be on stronger footing today if I did.  Instead, I will go off to my corner and cry for a lost friendship.

Being Alone

The other day my childhood friend’s mom passed away suddenly.  She’s 1,000 miles away and I cannot be there for her.  She’s grieving and going through this very difficult time and all I want to do is to take her pain away.  But who’s going to take my pain away?

I know what grieving is like.  I’ve lost so many friends and family members in recent years I feel isolated even though I am surrounded by friends.  Recently I’ve lost a co-worker, Gerry, due to the flu virus and in November I lost one of my closest friends, Mickey.

Mickey was special to me.  He was older and would always tease me about my younger age, or really anything he could find to tease me about.  I loved him and I would do anything for him.

One day in November I took him to the VA to get a routine colonoscopy.  While waiting we sat and talked about our plans for the holidays.  This year we were going to spend them together.  For Thanksgiving he was going to cook a roast and Christmas he was going to make his homemade Italian gravy (red sauce).  I don’t have close family and I was looking forward to spending the holidays with him.

The procedure went well and we had dinner after.  I teased him about eating “old people’s dinner” at TooJay’s because we were eating at 4pm with the rest of the older people that liked to eat early.  A few days later when I hadn’t heard from him I went to his apartment.  All the doors were locked from the inside.  I knew there was trouble.  I called the police who called the fire department to open the door.  The firefighter broke the chain on the backdoor and the police officer entered.  I tried to follow but I was pushed back – hard – and told to go around front.  The officer came back out and looked at me.  No words needed to be said, I knew what happened.  Mickey was dead.

I broke down into hysterics.  I am so grateful for Christine and Shirley being there with me and tried their best to comfort me but none was to be had.  My friend was gone.  He died alone in bed of natural causes.  Mickey always took care of me so now was the time for me to take care of him.  He had no family and always made sure that myself and our good friend Brian were aware of his wishes.  It was a long night but I eventually got his body removed and taken to the funeral home.  Seeing him in a body bag was devastating to say the least.

It’s been a long road trying to deal with the grief of losing him.  Brian and I emptied his apartment of all his belongings and he’s handling the financials along with the estate.  I made it through the holidays but barely.

I am alone.  Sure, like I mentioned I have friends, a mother, two sisters and a grandfather, but I am alone.  Why?  My mother and sister have borderline personality disorder that makes it difficult to keep them in my life.  I choose to communicate with them as little as possible to protect myself.  It’s gotten to the point that when I speak to my mother on the off occasion I don’t have any familial feelings for her that a daughter should have for her mother.  My full sister lives with my mother and we just do not talk to one another.  It’s better that way because she cycles much worse than I do and gets angry at the drop of a hat.

For my friends, it’s challenging for them to understand the cycles of a person that suffers from bipolar disorder so to protect them I keep them at arms distance.  My half-sister lives in Missouri and has a family of her own.  I know she would be there for me whenever I need to talk but I don’t ever want to be a burden.  Not for her or my friends.  So I choose to isolate myself because it’s easier.

For as much as I isolate myself intentionally, I crave for someone to push through the walls that I put up around myself and make me feel worthy of love and affection.  I’m waiting for that one person that will see me for the person that I am, not be afraid and still want to form an intimate, loving relationship.  Instead, I find myself emotionally isolated, lonely and depressed often because I cannot form intimate relationships with people.

This isolation makes me an introvert and experience strong social anxiety.  So my life is essentially a catch-22.  I don’t want to feel as though I’m not supported by others, but the anxiety makes it harder to meet others, be social and develop friendships.  It’s a challenge that has no right answers because I have a social phobia, but I know the only way to cure this phobia is by finding social support from other people.  It makes me spiral into a deep depression sometimes and makes me feel even more lonely.  It also makes me the shy and anxious person that I am.

To deal with this anxiety, I pull away from others and be alone so that I can reduce stress.  When I do go out to spend time with others, I don’t enjoy myself because I fear social situations and the anxiety that can arise from it.  This anxiety creates negative and “black and white” thinking.  I internalize everything to the point that negative thoughts run wild in my head.

The problem with this thought process is that being alone is exactly the opposite of what I need.  There is no cure for social anxiety but distractions help.  Distractions help me to stop overthinking and attempt to live my life.  This is something I cannot do when I’m alone with my own thoughts.  I am trying as hard as I can to overcome the fear of being social.  I’m pushing myself to get out and join the community even if it causes me to shake in fear.  If you see me out somewhere, don’t hesitate to say hi to me.  I may not start the conversation and I may look like I don’t want to talk, but I will promise you that I crave for someone to say hi and talk to me.  Don’t let me run away.

Introversion, The Dungeon, and Goodbye

A few weeks ago I saw on FetLife that the local Munch was gathering and had a beginner Munch just before the main Munch.  Since I tend to be anti-social and I need to meet more people in the BDSM community, I figured I would attend.  It would be a great way to get to know people, especially since I’m single and would possibly like to date.

The morning arrives and I’m feeling pretty good about the day ahead.  My bathroom has been a disaster so I clean most of the morning before showering and getting ready for the day.  It felt good to clear away the clutter of my bathroom counter and clean everything.  It felt like a new start.

I get to the restaurant and I sit in the parking lot for several minutes.  I’m really nervous.  I’m scared to meet new people.  I wonder if I will fit in; or will I be social and talk; or will I panic?  This is a very difficult moment and I kept seeing myself backing out and going home.  But, I’m here.  I can’t go back now. 

I pull up my big girl panties and walk into the restaurant.  I greet the hostess as I walk in but here’s a quandary:  Do I ask the hostess where the kinky people are meeting or do I ask where the Munch is meeting?  Then I wonder, do they even know what a Munch is?

For those of you that don’t know what a Munch is, it’s a gathering of like-minded people in the BDSM community.  They meet in vanilla locations, wearing vanilla clothing and discuss the everyday topics or topics of the lifestyle.  The Orlando Munch is an organization that is dedicated to bringing quality lifestyle education to the Orlando community as well.

This is my first Munch so I’m really nervous and not quite sure what to expect.  That past few times I’ve been to the local dungeon, The Woodshed, I’ve been greeted by very accepting and wonderful people.  I’ve never had any concerns with the people I’ve met in the lifestyle.

So here I am at the hostess station and rather than ask where the Munch is gathering I ask if there is a group of people meeting today and where are they?  The hostess knew right away and sent me off to the meeting room at the back of the restaurant.  The first person I met was Cardinal_Chris (see FL).  He was a very nice man and greeted me warmly.  I found the nametags and labeled myself and my orientation (submissive looking for a Dominant).  Well, to be honest I first put the wrong label on my nametag as a switch, but I quickly fixed it.

A few other people arrived shortly after me for the beginners meeting.  We talked and they asked questions since they were new to the lifestyle.  I’ve been in the lifestyle for over two years now and although I’m not exactly new, I’m still new at meeting people in the community.

Since I’ve been interested in littles, babygirls, and Daddy Dominants lately I figured this would be a good time to inquire.  A young lady had joined us named Rue.  She explained she had a little and a kitty.  She was so cute and had such a bubbly personality.  I loved her.  I wish I was able to express my personality as easier as she is able to express hers.  Unfortunately, my analytical side doesn’t let me let out my younger self very often as she feels it’s wrong.  I should be a grown-up 24/7.  It’s maddening sometimes.

As time went on, a few more people started showing up for the regular Munch.  The meeting room started filling up but all the beginners stayed at the same table while people filled in around us.  It was great to continue sitting with the same people since I felt comfortable with them.  When I get comfortable I try not to navigate away from it if I can and these people made me feel safe.

After several hours of talking both on the topic of kink and vanilla, I felt tired and needed a break from being social.  I said my goodbyes and hugged everyone.  I don’t normally touch people but I felt a kindred with these people that I don’t always feel.  Throughout the Munch I was kept checking my phone for a message from Paul.  I really wanted to see him later.  Lately he’s become my safe place when I need comfort and after a day of being social I needed him.  He is often unreachable unfortunately.  I don’t know if he does it on purpose or not but I emailed him and texted him but didn’t get a response.  It’s very frustrating since I care about him a lot.

I left and made my way to Brian’s place where I dropped off the milk stout growler I picked up for him at Saltwater Brewery a few weeks ago.  I also went through Mickey’s pots and pans and took what I wanted.  As I was leaving I texted Paul again and finally got a response – “I’m going out tonight”.  That’s all it said.  In my head I keep thinking he’s got a date.  He’s going to see another woman.  My jealousy just keeps sending me to very dark places. 

As much as I want to be, we’re not in a relationship.  We are just friends.  He’s allowed to date if he chooses.  It just really hurts, especially when I’ve told him over and over that I want more from him.  He’s willing to continue be friends and cuddle but nothing more.  In my head this tells me that I’m not good enough.  Something is wrong with me.  I’m not smart enough, skinny enough, submissive enough, something.  I’ve brought it up in the past but he doesn’t tell me what it is.  All he says is he doesn’t know what he wants.  So, am I holding on to something or am I holding onto nothing?

I decide then that I will join the Munch class at the Woodshed.  The class was being held on T.H.I.R.D. which stands for Trust, Honor, Integrity, Respect, and Discipline.  It was a great class.  I rarely think about discipline that I impose on myself; I’ve also considered discipline to be something inflicted on me by someone else for an incorrect behavior.  This class discussed how we should be disciplined within our own lives such as being disciplined to make it to work on time. 

I started thinking about how I lack discipline in several areas of my life – mainly domestic.  I don’t clean enough and keep things neat and tidy.  I tend to through things around and clutter up my environment.  I need to be more disciplined with myself and create a routine to keep my environment orderly and uncluttered.  This would be a good start to keeping my life in the same shape and would help me on an emotional level.  When my environment is uncluttered, I feel like my spirit is uncluttered as well.  Just as in Feng Shui, my surrounding environment plays a big role in how my spirit is impacted.

Being disciplined with my environment and also my spirit and emotions appealed to me as well.  I need to learn to be disciplined with the way I interact with other people and discovery what I want with my life.  Not everyone thinks like me and I get over-invested in people easily.  I am still trying to figure out what this means, but it’s time that I do some introspective learning to figure out who I really am and what I want from life.  Until now I’ve been floating in the wind from one branch to another with no aim or direction.  It’s scary but it’s also liberating at the same time.  I no longer want to be vulnerable to other people and how they treat me.

I stayed for the dungeon as well.  I found a spot on one of the couches along the back wall that let me see the entire dungeon.  I became a wall flower on the couch and watched people.  A few of the DM’s (dungeon monitors) came to check on me since I was not interacting with other people.  I told them I’m introverted and I’m doing okay.  I didn’t really want to interact with other people, but I enjoyed the energy of the dungeon.  The people were emanating an energy that was incredibly soothing to my soul.  I felt peace and happiness just sitting alone by myself.  I didn’t feel stressed or anxious at all.

Toward the end of my night a gentlemen came over to say hi since he noticed I was not talking to other people.  I smiled at him and spoke to him in a soft voice explaining I was introverted and happy just sitting on the couch.  He picked up right away that I was a submissive and teased me about it.  Of course I blushed and became embarrassed, trying to sink myself further into the couch.  He sat down next to me and we talked for a bit.  Then he showed me his toys which he pointed out made my eyes glaze over in fascination.

I gave him permission to touch me and he used a small hand-held flogger on my thighs and arms.  The impact was delightful and made me smile.  Then he started tickling me a bit which made me giggle and squirm.  The little girl that usually hides away inside of me started coming to the surface.  She felt free sitting on that couch to be herself and find amusement in the tickling and touch.  When he started petting my hair I found myself soaring with such joy and excitement it was hard to maintain composure.  I enjoyed letting her out to play for a bit and it left me feeling “high” from the endorphins disseminating throughout my brain.

I left the dungeon realizing that I need to let this person inside me be free more often.  I loved the feeling she gave me.  The time that I spent alone and the experience of being free at the Woodshed allowed me to realize that unless significant changes are made Paul will never be able to make me feel the way I did tonight.  I’m okay with being his friend; I’m okay with cuddles; and I’m okay with going places with him but we’ll never be in a relationship as we are.  I sent him an email essentially saying goodbye.  I told him that if and when he needed me or wanted to see me I would be there, but it’s up to him to make the connection.  I am no longer going to force him to interact with me nor have conversations that are one sided.  It hurt but it was necessary.

Ice Skating After 20 Years

Yesterday I decided to tap into my masochistic side and go ice skating.  I've been going to a few hockey games recently and all the men on the ice look so graceful.  I want to try this too!  I want to skate like they do!

We have the RDV Ice Den nearby that offers public ice skating every day so I figured why not?  What could go wrong?  Let's not talk about the fact that I have terrible balance, terrible feet and only ice skated once in my life.  This should be fun!

I had brunch with my girlfriend who is consistently late.  Our scheduled time to meet was noon but she didn't show up until 12:30pm.  I pretty much knew that was going to happen.  We had a good lunch and then headed off for RDV.

I had every confidence in the world that I was going to be able to successfully ice skate.  There wasn't any doubt in my mind that I was going to be awesome and I was excited.  We paid for the skating and picked up the rentals.  The skates were well used and smelled of wet leather.  Okay, I can get past this.

The night before a fellow patron at Saltwater Brewery told me the trick to ice skating is to make sure your skates are laced up good and tight.  Okay, I thought.  I'll try that.

I sat down, still believing this was going to be a great experience and laced up my skates.  I laced those suckers so tight they squeezed my feet tighter than a boa constrictor choking his prey.

Now comes the time to stand up.  Ami and I looked at each other and tried to get the other to stand first, giggling at ourselves.  I figured I'll go first since she was scared.  Me scared?  Na.  Let's do this!

I stand.

Um.  Okay.  That's awkward.  Why are my feet wiggling back and forth.  All the other skaters look so...balanced.  My feet feel weird trying to stand on this quarter inch (if that) blade.  I can still do this.  It won't be so bad.

Ami stands and she's wobbling just like I am.  Again, we can still do this.  If those 5-year-olds across from us are gliding around on their skates without any worries, we can do this too.  We gradually walk over to the rink and make our way to the opening to the ice.  

My confidence level is still an 8 out of 10.  I'm pumped.  Then I put one skate on the ice and it nearly flies out from under my hip.  The ice doesn't look this...slippery when I'm watching hockey.  And why do I not see everyone else's skates slipping around like mine just did?

Maybe it's just this one spot.  I'll get out on the ice with both feet and make my way around the rink.  It can't be this slippery all around.

Here we go.  Holding onto the wall I put both feet on the ice.  My feet are still slipping around.  I can't keep my balance.  I grab the wall tighter and lean forward.  What is going on???  

I then think back to my middle school science class and realize I am standing on what's known as a 'quasi-fluid layer' of water that lubricates the surface of the ice and makes it slippery.  At some Un-Godly cold temperature this layer is only one molecule thick but warm the ice and it increases, therefore increasing the lubrication.  There must be dozens of these layers on the ice!  People have been skating for almost a half an hour since the free skate session began!  

Great. My confidence level has just dropped from 8 out of 10 to 5.  I think I can still do this.  I'm going for it.

Gripping the wall as tightly as I possibly can, I maneuver my way out a little further along the edge of the rink pulling myself along with the wall.  Oh crap!  There's someone in front of me.  I can't let go of the wall but this mom and her child are NOT moving.  The wall is my safety line.  If I let go, I'll fall on my ass.  If I fall on my ass, I may not get back up.

Deep breathes.

I do my best to skate away from the wall, bobbing my upper body as I go, and then back to the wall again.  My safe zone.  Oh, wall how I love thee at this moment.  You are my rock.  Do not let me down, literally.

I finally finish a lap around the rink.  I feel like Rocky running the stairs in the movie.  Can I do a second turn around the rink?  Hell, I can't even let go of the wall?  Who am I kidding?  No.

Confidence level has just dropped to -5.

Ami's behind me.  She looks great.  Sure she's holding onto the wall but she has better balance than I do.  She's able to stand up while I look like a 90-year-old man all hunched over from spinal degeneration.

I give up.  I'm done.  My feet hurt and these rentals are going to kill me.  It's the skates.  It must be the skates.  There are five-year-old children here skating like they were born wearing ice skates.  I'm smarter and stronger than they are!  If they can do it, why not me?  I just need a good pair of skates and I'm coming back for... more torture.

At this point I resigned myself that I will have to buy my own skates and come back.  Then I'll be able to skate like Tanya Harding with my fancy, brand-new skates!

One positive note about this adventure:  I didn't fall on my ass!

I let Ami finish up the skate session and by the end she was whizzing around like a fairly decent skater.  We'll come back in a couple weeks and I'll prove to myself that I am an ice skater!

Confidence level:  12

Beer Day

Yesterday was “beer-day” with Christine.  We planned our day around the Maple Bacon Porter release party at Funky Buddha Brewery in Oakland Park, FL.  We left bright and early at 8:30 AM to make a run for gas.  Let the embarrassment begin…

I’m standing at the pump with the nozzle in my gas tank and I turn around to clean out my car.  I have a few items in my hand that need to go into the garbage that is on the other side of the hose line.  I figured this shouldn’t be hard, just step over it and make my way to the trash can, right?  Nope.  My clumsiness decided to attack at full strength, catching my foot on the hose line and sending me careening for the pavement.

As I go down, I turned my head over and see a man at the next pump watching me drop.  *groans*  He made no attempt to make sure I was okay or even call out to ensure I wasn’t dead.  Nice dude.  Thanks a bunch!

Christine races out of the car to check on me.  I was fine.  I fell mostly on my palms and thankfully didn’t pull the nozzle out of the gas tank.  That would have been bad.  Can you imagine gas everywhere?  Oh boy.

The rest of the day went smoothly.  Christine drove us down to the brewery.  The party started at 11am and we got there at about 11:45 AM.  The place was PACKED and parking was scarce.  We lucked out and found one just as someone was leaving.

Every two hours the brewery released a new beer that was in limited release.  I tried the Rice Krispy Treat and the Fire In the Hole along with their regular Red Dawn Ale.  The Rice Krispy Treat is a cream ale that was on the sweet side like the name implies.  The Fire In the Hole is a raspberry habanero red ale.  It was sweet like a raspberry but had a spicy finish that completed the raspberry well.  Both were great beers.

We ate lunch and then waited for our bottles of Maple Bacon Porter.  I purchased two.  As we waited in line we noticed that someone set down their two cups of nearly full beer in the parking lot.  What a waste of a good beer!  That’s synonymous with beer abuse!

We drove left and made our way to A1A and drove northward to Saltwater Brewery in Delray Beach.  We took our time looking at the beautiful boats and houses along the intercostal.  By the time we got to Saltwater Brewery we were getting pretty tired.  Christine ordered the South End session ale and I ordered a flight.  The beers were really good.  I was impressed.  I purchased a half gallon growler of Sea Cow milk stout for a friend and then we left.

The drive home was pretty much uneventful.  We hit some stormy weather back in Orlando but it wasn’t too much of a problem.  On my way into my apartment I was attempting to carry all three bottles and my personal stuff at one time.  Unfortunately, I lost one of the bottles of porter and it shattered on the concrete.

*moment of silence*

I felt a little needy and wanted to talk to Paul just to hear his voice.  It was 11 PM which meant he was already asleep.  Oh well.  I curled up with my Kindle and read for a while before drifting off to sleep.  Tomorrow is ice skating.  Oh boy.  :-S

Who Am I?

I have a form of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia.  It is a mood cycling disorder much like the classical bipolar disorder except that my mood cycles are much more acute than a normal bipolar mood cycle.  My cycles can last from hours to days, and can hit me at any given moment with no warning.  This is called rapid-cycling.  Before you assume, I don’t go from calm to bitchy in seconds.  Rapid mood cycling usually takes a few hours and sometimes longer to recognize. 

My brain works differently than most people.  I think in ways most people do not.  I have a crazy, vivid imagination that pops into my brain at random times and gives me inspiration for most aspects of my life.  It also makes me spout out random statements or questions without thinking about the impact on others first.  This I call “foot-in-mouth” disease.

Among a wide range of emotions, I tend to lean toward being an empathetic and understanding person for the most part.  I put others before myself even to the detriment of my own feelings.  I suffer in silence most days and I refuse to cry in front of people when I can help it.  I will love you more than I love myself.  I’m just generally screwed up.

I’m also not good with gray areas.  I need things in my life to be black and white.  When presented with an ambiguous situation I struggle with it and sometimes push away.  I believe in absolutes; everything is a yes or a no or right or wrong for me.  There is absolutely no in between.  It’s stressful since most of the world lives in the gray area of life; especially those I have relationships.

Dealing with ambiguity creates tension for me.  I am quick to make decisions, even when they are not the right decisions.  I don’t think about consequences.  I rarely stop and consider outcomes and sometimes this hurts the people in my life.  I don’t do it intentionally but when posed with a decision I make one with the knowledge I have at hand rather than do research.

These are just a few of the issues I am working with among others.  “I am who I am; no more, no less”*  I know I’m not alone but I often feel like I am.  I try to talk through these feelings but its draining and I don’t want to be a burden to others.  I have my off days and these are generally when I want to hide away in my cave and be alone, or be in the comforting arms of a loved one. 

I will disappoint you; I disappoint myself.  I have to remind myself daily that the sky isn’t falling and I need that reassurance from you too.  I need to be reminded to slow down and not make irrational decisions.  Overall, be supportive and talk to me.  When I cannot stand on my own two legs, be the quiet strength that I need because I’ll never ask for it.

*Terry Goodkind, Wizards First Rule

Monogamy and Emotional Intimacy

How do you find what you want in a person, or need, when it doesn't seem like it's the norm for most people? I struggle with this daily. I know what I want and need but I can't find it with a person that wants the same things I do - primarily a monogamous relationship that's not completely about sex. How do I find someone that puts just as much priority on emotional intimacy as I do?

I was recently speaking with someone and we discussed the fundamentals of why individuals go out in search of multiple partners. Usually the 80/20 rule plays a big part in non-monogamous situations, whether it's cheating or polyamorous relationships. Most people find 80% of what they are looking for in a soulmate, or partner, but the other 20% isn't found in that person for one reason or another. Rather than being mature in the relationship and making it work (or ending it), the person reaches out to another person to fulfill that 20%.

The problem lies in that the original person gives 100% of their self to the first person and then, in attempt to sustain a quality relationship with another person, they try to give 100% to that person as well. If we go back to our basic grade-school mathematics we see that you cannot give 100% of a whole twice - the math doesn't add up. So which relationship takes the fall? How long does it continue until the deficit is too great with one relationship and jealousy takes over?

Even if non-monogamy is consensual, you are still distracted from dealing with the important issues of the relationship. Non-monogamy is choosing someone else rather than dealing with troubles in the relationship. That person is saying, "I'm not only not mature enough, I'm just going to ignore the problems and find someone to fill in the gap." It becomes a distraction rather than a solution.

I realize people can set up rules for non-monogamous relationships, but to what end? What happens when two people want the same person at the same time? Someone's feelings will get hurt and jealousy happens. This can be damaging to the individual, let alone the relationship.

Being able to control your sexual impulses is a hallmark of sexual and emotional maturity. I wish more people were mature enough to identify what they want and need, then learn to communicate those with others. I would rather have 80% of what I want in a person than share him with someone else.