Ice Skating After 20 Years

Yesterday I decided to tap into my masochistic side and go ice skating.  I've been going to a few hockey games recently and all the men on the ice look so graceful.  I want to try this too!  I want to skate like they do!

We have the RDV Ice Den nearby that offers public ice skating every day so I figured why not?  What could go wrong?  Let's not talk about the fact that I have terrible balance, terrible feet and only ice skated once in my life.  This should be fun!

I had brunch with my girlfriend who is consistently late.  Our scheduled time to meet was noon but she didn't show up until 12:30pm.  I pretty much knew that was going to happen.  We had a good lunch and then headed off for RDV.

I had every confidence in the world that I was going to be able to successfully ice skate.  There wasn't any doubt in my mind that I was going to be awesome and I was excited.  We paid for the skating and picked up the rentals.  The skates were well used and smelled of wet leather.  Okay, I can get past this.

The night before a fellow patron at Saltwater Brewery told me the trick to ice skating is to make sure your skates are laced up good and tight.  Okay, I thought.  I'll try that.

I sat down, still believing this was going to be a great experience and laced up my skates.  I laced those suckers so tight they squeezed my feet tighter than a boa constrictor choking his prey.

Now comes the time to stand up.  Ami and I looked at each other and tried to get the other to stand first, giggling at ourselves.  I figured I'll go first since she was scared.  Me scared?  Na.  Let's do this!

I stand.

Um.  Okay.  That's awkward.  Why are my feet wiggling back and forth.  All the other skaters look so...balanced.  My feet feel weird trying to stand on this quarter inch (if that) blade.  I can still do this.  It won't be so bad.

Ami stands and she's wobbling just like I am.  Again, we can still do this.  If those 5-year-olds across from us are gliding around on their skates without any worries, we can do this too.  We gradually walk over to the rink and make our way to the opening to the ice.  

My confidence level is still an 8 out of 10.  I'm pumped.  Then I put one skate on the ice and it nearly flies out from under my hip.  The ice doesn't look this...slippery when I'm watching hockey.  And why do I not see everyone else's skates slipping around like mine just did?

Maybe it's just this one spot.  I'll get out on the ice with both feet and make my way around the rink.  It can't be this slippery all around.

Here we go.  Holding onto the wall I put both feet on the ice.  My feet are still slipping around.  I can't keep my balance.  I grab the wall tighter and lean forward.  What is going on???  

I then think back to my middle school science class and realize I am standing on what's known as a 'quasi-fluid layer' of water that lubricates the surface of the ice and makes it slippery.  At some Un-Godly cold temperature this layer is only one molecule thick but warm the ice and it increases, therefore increasing the lubrication.  There must be dozens of these layers on the ice!  People have been skating for almost a half an hour since the free skate session began!  

Great. My confidence level has just dropped from 8 out of 10 to 5.  I think I can still do this.  I'm going for it.

Gripping the wall as tightly as I possibly can, I maneuver my way out a little further along the edge of the rink pulling myself along with the wall.  Oh crap!  There's someone in front of me.  I can't let go of the wall but this mom and her child are NOT moving.  The wall is my safety line.  If I let go, I'll fall on my ass.  If I fall on my ass, I may not get back up.

Deep breathes.

I do my best to skate away from the wall, bobbing my upper body as I go, and then back to the wall again.  My safe zone.  Oh, wall how I love thee at this moment.  You are my rock.  Do not let me down, literally.

I finally finish a lap around the rink.  I feel like Rocky running the stairs in the movie.  Can I do a second turn around the rink?  Hell, I can't even let go of the wall?  Who am I kidding?  No.

Confidence level has just dropped to -5.

Ami's behind me.  She looks great.  Sure she's holding onto the wall but she has better balance than I do.  She's able to stand up while I look like a 90-year-old man all hunched over from spinal degeneration.

I give up.  I'm done.  My feet hurt and these rentals are going to kill me.  It's the skates.  It must be the skates.  There are five-year-old children here skating like they were born wearing ice skates.  I'm smarter and stronger than they are!  If they can do it, why not me?  I just need a good pair of skates and I'm coming back for... more torture.

At this point I resigned myself that I will have to buy my own skates and come back.  Then I'll be able to skate like Tanya Harding with my fancy, brand-new skates!

One positive note about this adventure:  I didn't fall on my ass!

I let Ami finish up the skate session and by the end she was whizzing around like a fairly decent skater.  We'll come back in a couple weeks and I'll prove to myself that I am an ice skater!

Confidence level:  12

Beer Day

Yesterday was “beer-day” with Christine.  We planned our day around the Maple Bacon Porter release party at Funky Buddha Brewery in Oakland Park, FL.  We left bright and early at 8:30 AM to make a run for gas.  Let the embarrassment begin…

I’m standing at the pump with the nozzle in my gas tank and I turn around to clean out my car.  I have a few items in my hand that need to go into the garbage that is on the other side of the hose line.  I figured this shouldn’t be hard, just step over it and make my way to the trash can, right?  Nope.  My clumsiness decided to attack at full strength, catching my foot on the hose line and sending me careening for the pavement.

As I go down, I turned my head over and see a man at the next pump watching me drop.  *groans*  He made no attempt to make sure I was okay or even call out to ensure I wasn’t dead.  Nice dude.  Thanks a bunch!

Christine races out of the car to check on me.  I was fine.  I fell mostly on my palms and thankfully didn’t pull the nozzle out of the gas tank.  That would have been bad.  Can you imagine gas everywhere?  Oh boy.

The rest of the day went smoothly.  Christine drove us down to the brewery.  The party started at 11am and we got there at about 11:45 AM.  The place was PACKED and parking was scarce.  We lucked out and found one just as someone was leaving.

Every two hours the brewery released a new beer that was in limited release.  I tried the Rice Krispy Treat and the Fire In the Hole along with their regular Red Dawn Ale.  The Rice Krispy Treat is a cream ale that was on the sweet side like the name implies.  The Fire In the Hole is a raspberry habanero red ale.  It was sweet like a raspberry but had a spicy finish that completed the raspberry well.  Both were great beers.

We ate lunch and then waited for our bottles of Maple Bacon Porter.  I purchased two.  As we waited in line we noticed that someone set down their two cups of nearly full beer in the parking lot.  What a waste of a good beer!  That’s synonymous with beer abuse!

We drove left and made our way to A1A and drove northward to Saltwater Brewery in Delray Beach.  We took our time looking at the beautiful boats and houses along the intercostal.  By the time we got to Saltwater Brewery we were getting pretty tired.  Christine ordered the South End session ale and I ordered a flight.  The beers were really good.  I was impressed.  I purchased a half gallon growler of Sea Cow milk stout for a friend and then we left.

The drive home was pretty much uneventful.  We hit some stormy weather back in Orlando but it wasn’t too much of a problem.  On my way into my apartment I was attempting to carry all three bottles and my personal stuff at one time.  Unfortunately, I lost one of the bottles of porter and it shattered on the concrete.

*moment of silence*

I felt a little needy and wanted to talk to Paul just to hear his voice.  It was 11 PM which meant he was already asleep.  Oh well.  I curled up with my Kindle and read for a while before drifting off to sleep.  Tomorrow is ice skating.  Oh boy.  :-S

Who Am I?

I have a form of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia.  It is a mood cycling disorder much like the classical bipolar disorder except that my mood cycles are much more acute than a normal bipolar mood cycle.  My cycles can last from hours to days, and can hit me at any given moment with no warning.  This is called rapid-cycling.  Before you assume, I don’t go from calm to bitchy in seconds.  Rapid mood cycling usually takes a few hours and sometimes longer to recognize. 

My brain works differently than most people.  I think in ways most people do not.  I have a crazy, vivid imagination that pops into my brain at random times and gives me inspiration for most aspects of my life.  It also makes me spout out random statements or questions without thinking about the impact on others first.  This I call “foot-in-mouth” disease.

Among a wide range of emotions, I tend to lean toward being an empathetic and understanding person for the most part.  I put others before myself even to the detriment of my own feelings.  I suffer in silence most days and I refuse to cry in front of people when I can help it.  I will love you more than I love myself.  I’m just generally screwed up.

I’m also not good with gray areas.  I need things in my life to be black and white.  When presented with an ambiguous situation I struggle with it and sometimes push away.  I believe in absolutes; everything is a yes or a no or right or wrong for me.  There is absolutely no in between.  It’s stressful since most of the world lives in the gray area of life; especially those I have relationships.

Dealing with ambiguity creates tension for me.  I am quick to make decisions, even when they are not the right decisions.  I don’t think about consequences.  I rarely stop and consider outcomes and sometimes this hurts the people in my life.  I don’t do it intentionally but when posed with a decision I make one with the knowledge I have at hand rather than do research.

These are just a few of the issues I am working with among others.  “I am who I am; no more, no less”*  I know I’m not alone but I often feel like I am.  I try to talk through these feelings but its draining and I don’t want to be a burden to others.  I have my off days and these are generally when I want to hide away in my cave and be alone, or be in the comforting arms of a loved one. 

I will disappoint you; I disappoint myself.  I have to remind myself daily that the sky isn’t falling and I need that reassurance from you too.  I need to be reminded to slow down and not make irrational decisions.  Overall, be supportive and talk to me.  When I cannot stand on my own two legs, be the quiet strength that I need because I’ll never ask for it.

*Terry Goodkind, Wizards First Rule

Monogamy and Emotional Intimacy

How do you find what you want in a person, or need, when it doesn't seem like it's the norm for most people? I struggle with this daily. I know what I want and need but I can't find it with a person that wants the same things I do - primarily a monogamous relationship that's not completely about sex. How do I find someone that puts just as much priority on emotional intimacy as I do?

I was recently speaking with someone and we discussed the fundamentals of why individuals go out in search of multiple partners. Usually the 80/20 rule plays a big part in non-monogamous situations, whether it's cheating or polyamorous relationships. Most people find 80% of what they are looking for in a soulmate, or partner, but the other 20% isn't found in that person for one reason or another. Rather than being mature in the relationship and making it work (or ending it), the person reaches out to another person to fulfill that 20%.

The problem lies in that the original person gives 100% of their self to the first person and then, in attempt to sustain a quality relationship with another person, they try to give 100% to that person as well. If we go back to our basic grade-school mathematics we see that you cannot give 100% of a whole twice - the math doesn't add up. So which relationship takes the fall? How long does it continue until the deficit is too great with one relationship and jealousy takes over?

Even if non-monogamy is consensual, you are still distracted from dealing with the important issues of the relationship. Non-monogamy is choosing someone else rather than dealing with troubles in the relationship. That person is saying, "I'm not only not mature enough, I'm just going to ignore the problems and find someone to fill in the gap." It becomes a distraction rather than a solution.

I realize people can set up rules for non-monogamous relationships, but to what end? What happens when two people want the same person at the same time? Someone's feelings will get hurt and jealousy happens. This can be damaging to the individual, let alone the relationship.

Being able to control your sexual impulses is a hallmark of sexual and emotional maturity. I wish more people were mature enough to identify what they want and need, then learn to communicate those with others. I would rather have 80% of what I want in a person than share him with someone else.

Weekend Recap Part 2 - Stone Mountain and Othello

The next morning I woke up much earlier than Paul around 6 AM.  Not wanting to stay in bed I got dressed and made my way to the gym.  I found their elliptical machines which looked like I would be piloting the Starship Enterprise.  I did my typical 20 minutes of cardio and jumped off to find some strength training machines. 

Next to me was a platform I could use to work my hamstrings.  It felt great.  I locked my feet into the platform and bent at the waist forward to let my upper body hang.  My spine stretched when I do this and it feels really good.  I did a few sets and didn't think anything of it then went on to work my upper body.

I stopped for coffee before heading back to the room.  I showered up and got dressed, trying to remain as quiet as possible since Paul was not yet awake.  When I was done, I sat on my bed and all I could think about was a year ago my father lay dying in a hospice in Austin, TX.  I kept imagining what his body must have looked like during the death process over and over again.  I even imagined what he looked like in the crematorium being burned to ashes.  See, my mind goes to these dark and horrible places when I’m depressed.

At this point the crying started and I couldn’t stop it.  Paul was still asleep in the bed next to me and I was afraid I would wake him but I desperately needed him.  I needed his comfort and his arms around me to help me get past this darkness.  This is why I didn’t travel alone.  I knew this would happen.  I knew my thoughts would go to this dark place and I wouldn’t be able to find my way out.  It happens often.

I kept pacing back and forth as quietly as I could in the room trying to talk myself out of this gloom but it wasn’t working.  Finally I sat next to Paul’s bed, whispered his name and asked to crawl into bed with him.  He opened his arms and I crawled in.  His body was warm from sleep and his arms around me felt so good.  I let it all go and cried into his shoulder.  It felt good to be in his arms - safe and protected.

I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to my father.  I didn’t even know he was sick.  It wasn’t until he had a few hours left and already sedated that his wife notified my aunt he was dying who then called me.  He was spiteful like that.  He wasn’t always a good man, but he was my father.  I know he was afraid my sister and I would try to get closure for the past by calling him out for the terrible things he has done.  Unfortunately, I wouldn’t have done that.  I would have offered him my forgiveness and love.  Forgiveness is the beginning of closure.

So here I am, crying into Paul’s shoulder desperately holding on to him wishing he could take away this pain.  After a half hour or so of this my sobs turned to small shudders and finally the crying stopped.  He continued holding me while trying to soothe the pain away until it was time to wake up.

We finally got ourselves together and took off for Stone Mountain for the day.  We stopped for breakfast in a suburb of Atlanta.  Since Paul was driving I have no idea where we were.  Then we made it to Stone Mountain and had to pay $10 to park.  TEN DOLLARS!  What?!?!?!?  This is NOT Disney World!  Why are we paying so much to park???  Well, at least it is open.  The National Parks are currently closed due to the partial government shutdown of 2013 (Thank you Congress!). 

When we got to the amusement area I looked up at the carving and I thought it should have been bigger.  I was here 20 years ago with my family and honestly thought the carving was much larger.  Maybe it was because I was so young and much smaller?

Now it’s time to get to the top of the mountain.  Oh boy.  We could either walk up the trail (nope) or take the aerial tram.  We opted for the tram, or at least I opted for the tram.  It seemed to be at the time the lesser of two evils, but I have a severe fear of heights.  Then add on the moving tram stuffed full of people hanging by a few steel cables and we have a perfect anxiety storm.

Well, I’m writing this blog post so obviously we made it.  It wasn’t pretty but I did it with very little panicking on my part.  I wasn’t comfortable with the ride and once we got to the top and saw the next tram make it up I decided right then that we would be walking down.

The top of the mountain was beautiful.  Other than a few people speaking, it was quiet and peaceful.  I sat down on the granite while Paul walked to the edge to get some pictures.  The sun was warm and the wind cooled us at the same time.  It was an amazing feeling.  Paul thankfully didn’t fall over the edge of the mountain and returned to where I was sitting.  He sat with me for a while enjoying the wind and sun as well.

It’s time like this that I feel harmony in my soul.  I love being in nature.  It’s peaceful to be alone with my thoughts and feel the energy of nature all around me.  It is one of the few times I don’t feel as if my thoughts are running a muck inside my head.  It is almost as if my mind is quieted while nature recharges my soul.

After some time we finally decided to grab water and make our way back down the mountain.  It was a rockier than I had thought it would be.  I’m not sure if I had motion sickness or the beginnings of heat stroke but my stomach started churning and I was afraid I would have to throw up.  I kept drinking water but that didn’t help.  Paul kept asking if I needed a break but if I had stopped I was afraid I wouldn’t get started again.

Once we got to the bottom about 30 minutes later we sat down for a moment so that Paul could find the parking lot on the map.  It was then my stomach started to finally settle but it was a close call.  We walked about another mile to the car and drove back to the hotel to rest before show.

Again, I curled up with Paul.  I rested my head on his hip while he rubbed my back.  I just can’t get enough of him touching me this way.  It felt really good and I wanted his fingers directly on my skin.  I finally got the courage to ask if he minded I take off my shirt (our relationship is not sexual, as much as I would like it to be).  He didn’t mind and feeling his fingers brush my bare skin was incredibly soothing.

We showered and headed to The Atlanta Shakespeare Tavern.  A few weeks ago we saw The Taming of the Shrew at the Orlando Shakespeare Festival and I enjoyed it.  Tonight's performance is a tragedy so I was a little concerned if I would like it or not.  I did read the synopsis of Othello before tonight so I had a pretty good idea of what to expect.

Dinner was at the tavern.  It was descent but nothing to write home about.  I had the stilton salad and the chili.  I would have preferred the chili vegetarian but it was still pretty good – and much bigger than anticipated.

My caloric intake today didn't matter.  By the end of the day I had reached over 20,000 steps and burned over 4,000 calories.  *Thank you fitbit*  I was eating for pleasure today rather than watching my calories.  I still ate reasonable, but the total calories really didn't matter in the end.

The performance was good.  The actress playing Desdemonia had an incredible singing voice.  The actor playing Othello was a little too happy and emotional for me.  I wanted to see a bigger, stronger male lead rather than a sappy fool.  Oh well.

The rest of the night was uneventful.  We walked back to the hotel and slipped into our beds.  The next morning we would be heading home.  I really didn’t want the weekend to end.

On the way home we stopped at the Smokin’ Pig in Valdosta – one of Paul’s favorites.  I fell asleep just south of the Florida-Georgia line and woke up just north of Ocala.  We had been listening to an audio book but since I fell asleep I don’t recall most of it.

When we reached Paul’s place I gave him one last hug.  I didn’t want it to end.  I always feel like I’ll never see him again and it makes me sad.  I wanted to kiss him but I was too chicken.  I’m always too chicken.

Weekend Recap - Atlanta

In the middle of last week my good friend sent me a text to let me know he was going to Atlanta for the weekend to see Othello at the Atlanta Shakespeare Tavern and he asked if I would like to join him.  I had previously considered running away for the weekend alone since I knew I would be grieving the loss of my father but then I decided it probably wouldn't be best for me to be alone.  I figured I would just cry the entire weekend with no one to distract me so I said yes.

Friday morning I was to be at his place at 8:00 AM.  I packed and left my place at 7:05 AM.  Normally the drive to his place is around 25 minutes but it is time for rush hour traffic so I left a little earlier.  Holy hell was there a lot of traffic!  As soon as I got on the interstate the traffic STOPPED!  It took me 20 minutes to get to the next exit a mile down the interstate.  I pulled up to his place at exactly 8:00 AM and I had yet to get my coffee or any breakfast. 

Luckily Paul is a nice guy and very accommodating.  On our way out we stopped at Starbuck’s to get me a coffee.  I used the restroom, bought my coffee and then went to the serving area.  I waited… and waited… and waited some more.  I finally asked the barista if she had forgotten my order.  She asked, “What order?”  I just stared at her incredulously.  How can this happen?  I got upset and told her my order.  This is going to be a great start to the weekend.  *groans*

After filling up the gas tank Paul drove over to Chick-Fil-A.  Oh how I love Chick-Fil-A and I just couldn't resist.  That 440-calorie chicken biscuit was calling my name and I knew how delicious it was going to taste.  Since Paul usually makes me walk until I break something, I figured I would burn off the extra calories at some point today (we walked so much in DC last month I developed a stress fracture in the metatarsal bone in my foot.  Thanks Paul!  *kisses*)

Off we go, heading north to Atlanta.  I forgot my ear buds so rather than listen to my own music I listened to an audio book Paul had picked out called BelowStairs by Margaret Powell.  I don’t usually enjoy non-fiction that much but this book was interesting.  Being in service during the 1920’s was a true art form and the servants of that time proved how truly dedicated they were to hard work and surviving through adversity.

We got to Atlanta and immediately hit traffic.  My anxiety flew through the roof.  There was a lot of traffic and too many lanes.  Thank goodness Paul was driving.  We found the hotel and rested for a bit before heading off to dinner at Ray’s In The City.  I ordered the filet with mashed potatoes, ceasar salad and a shiraz.  Paul had the barbecue shrimp for his appetizer and the scallops for his dinner.  I finished my meal with an Irish coffee and he had a praline bowl with ice cream.  It was a relaxing dinner and nice conversation. 

We walked back to the hotel and as we approached the elevators there were far too many people in such a small place.  I immediately put my hand out to stop Paul and waited until the people were gone – just a few seconds.  I was afraid my anxiety would blow if I were surrounded by a large group of people and figured it would be best to wait.  Again, Paul being accommodating didn't even ask.

We stepped into a less crowded elevator and I sucked in close to Paul’s side (I hate elevators…and small spaced for that matter).  Paul started doing what he does best to keep me calm, he started petting me.  Oh how I adore when he pets me.  He ran his fingers lightly along my scalp and in my hair.  Then, out of the blue, he took a small handful and tightened his fist pulling my hair lightly.  I about blew apart with joy.  Later, he admitted he did it to distract me and it worked.

Back in the room I curled up with him for a bit.  He read while I relaxed in his arm with my head on his chest.  Again, doing what he does best, he ran his fingers up and down my back comforting me.  The feeling is exquisite and I cannot get enough.  I could curl up with him for hours, if not days, and never stop cherishing the feelings he gives me.  Since we were in a room with two double beds, I had to make my way back to my bed to sleep for the night.

Overall, it was a pretty good day and my anxiety was kept to a minimum.

A Day of Apathy

I had no desire to speak to anyone yesterday.  I made it to work but I did as little as possible.  For most of the day I wrote, read Facebook along with my favorite blogs and listened to music.  I didn't really care what was going on around me.  My co-worker mentioned I was quiet and asked what was wrong.  What can I say?  I have cycled heavily for the past two months and now I feel drained.  Mood cycles up and down as rapidly and frequently as I have been having is hard on my mind and body.  Some days I just want to give up, put my life in someone else's hands and just... be.  Let someone else pilot this body for a while.  Unfortunately, that's not going to happen.

For breakfast I made a couple pieces of turkey bacon along with two pumpkin pancakes.  I brought them to work with me and used sugar-free syrup.  With my coffee, my breakfast was a total of 359 calories.  Lunch was left over salmon over a bed of greens and homemade dijon vinaigrette.  Total calories for lunch was 402.  Dinner I baked lemon chicken with whole grain lemon orzo (it was a lemon kinda night).  Total calories for dinner that included a Skinny Cow mint ice cream sandwich was 701 calories.

Overall my food intake was pretty good.  I ate all my allotted calories for the day which felt great.  I even went to the gym and did 20 minutes on the elliptical and 10 minutes of pumped up strength training with my upper body.  Rather than resting and taking my time when I'm strength training I push harder and quicker with the weights.

Since I started running on the elliptical for my exercise and taking the stairs daily at work my quadriceps have been inflamed.  Last night was no exception.  I laid in bed and they were so sore I couldn't sleep.  All I wanted was for someone to massage them with eucalyptus oil so that I could rest and go back to sleep.  Add on to that the pressure that I've had in my head for the past two days and I nearly started crying.  It took me a while but I finally got back to sleep.  This morning, my quads hurt just as much as last night.  I've already taken naproxen sodium and acetaminophen to try and help.

Later this morning I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist.  I finally broke down and decided to make an appointment to talk about medications again.  I've suffered from bipolar disorder (cyclothymia), ADHD, and generalized anxiety disorder for years.  I've been able to cope on my own but lately it feels like I am not able to any longer.  I'm cycling far too much and I've had way too many anxiety attacks over the last couple months.  It's starting to affect my quality of life.  I don't want to be drugged up.  I don't like how it makes me feel - numb.  We'll see what he has to say.