Where Do I Belong?

Last night I was having a particularly low night.  It wasn’t too low, and it was short, but still the thoughts of vulnerability were there.  I snuggled with my stuffie bear I named Gunnor and wondered, “Where do I belong?”

I had a friend that I was close with for a while and we had great communication, but no more.  He’s off doing his own thing and I’m left behind.  I miss this interaction we had and the critical conversations we often shared.  When I had a thought or an idea I wanted to explore, I would send him an e-mail and get a logical, well thought out, response back that challenged my opinion.  I enjoy this type of mental stimulation and I get bored without it.   I haven’t been able to find this type of communication with anyone else and I miss it.  In a way, I feel lost without it and I wonder if I’ll ever find someone that shares the same motivation to learn and share knowledge the same way he did.

All of these thoughts made me depressed but I still had an overall sense that I was okay.  The Seroquel my psychiatrist prescribed has started to take its effect along with the Lexapro I’ve been taking.  I noticed that I’m much calmer and not so manic lately.  My moods feel as though they are stabilizing now and not swinging so wildly like they were.  I know I’m sad but I still have underlying feelings of happiness and the feeling that everything will be okay.  It’s strange how medication can alter our neurochemistry and make us feel this way.

I’ve also noticed that my introversion is becoming stronger now that my disposition is mellowing out.  I find more and more that I don’t need, or want, to talk to anyone.  I sit at work content to do my job while interacting with as few people as possible.  In the evenings, I go home and make my dinner then read while being satisfied to live in my own bubble.  The word truly is “contentment”.  I am not starving for outside communication, or the need to interact with anyone else.  I am enjoying being alone, knowing the world is just outside going on without me and knowing that I could step into it at any time I choose.  I equate this to sitting at a sidewalk café watching the people walk on by, knowing I could join in at any time, but I’m simply happy here sipping my coffee alone and reading a book.  I’m good with letting the world continue to spin without my interaction.

Weekend recap:

This weekend was the 12-hour race at Sebring International Raceway.  This is where Mickey wanted to have his ashes be laid to rest.  I got there and immediately got lost.  Brian paid for a parking pass but I decided to use the free parking outside the track.  He found his way back to turn 10 while I had to walk the entire raceway which is a daunting task to place to navigate to begin with and was leaving me anxious.  Halfway there, I realized I had a small blister forming on the side of my foot that made it difficult to walk which left me even more frustrated than I already was at the moment. 

To get to the infield where Brian had parked, I had to cross over a car bridge with no foot traffic allowed.  The mean police officer yelled at me as I was trying to walk up and ask him how to get across.  He roughly turned me around and told me to wait by the tree and hitch a ride over the bridge.  As I walked up to this tree, I felt tears forming because the anxiety was building and I knew I couldn’t have a break down here, alone.

I stood by the tree and watched vehicle after vehicle cross the bridge and considered who I could ask to give me a ride over the bridge.  I finally gathered myself together and ran up to a large SUV that had his window rolled down and asked for a ride.  Before I even got my question out, he told me to get in the back.  I was stunned.  As I explained to him this was my first time at the track and why I was here, he told me that people do this sort of thing all the time and not to worry.  I felt relieved.  He even asked me if I wanted a ride somewhere on the other side but I jumped out at the base of the bridge.  That was definitely a new experience.

I finally found Brian and Lynn and said hi to Mickey inside Brian’s bag.  We watched the race for a while and then decided to go for a walk.  We found ourselves on a nice bluff between turns three and four where we sat and watched the race for a while longer.  Brian scooted down to the base of the bluff, punctured a hole in Mickey’s bag and laid his cremains out in the grass.  No one said a word to us.  We sat back on the bluff again and watched people walk around his ashes and the race in front of us for a while before deciding to get up and walk around again.

When we found our way back to turn one, and the main strip, I decided it was time for me to go.  My foot was sore and I was tired.  I made my way back to my car and drove away from the track leaving Mickey behind.  I cried most of the way northbound on Hwy 27 out of Sebring.  I kept thinking that he was being left behind and alone.  It was a terrible feeling to have and I couldn’t stop the tears.

I spent the next day with a friend.  We went to the Improv to see Christopher Titus perform.  I had a heavy heart, but the comedy was good.

Bipolar Medication

It’s been a few weeks and I’m still manic.  My therapist really doesn’t know what to do with me now.  My psychiatrist started me on Latuda.  At first it was just 20mg for a few days, then 40mg for two weeks.  At the end of the two weeks, I increased my dosage to 80mg as instructed.  This caused severe problems that took me a few days to recognize.

The Saturday I increased my dosage, I had planned a trip to Tomoka Brewery with the girls.  A friend is visiting from North Carolina and she was joining us as well.  I started feeling nauseous and uneasy for some strange reason so I decided to drive myself.  The entire drive I felt restless and remained uneasy.  I couldn’t focus and I couldn’t sit still.  For a 90 minute drive, this was bad news.

The entire drive I noticed myself looking at the time every five minutes.  I felt like time had slowed down and I couldn’t make it move quickly enough.  Normally, I don’t mind long drives by myself.  I’ll put on my favorite music and enjoy the trip.  This time, I needed to desperately get out of the car.

I ended up stopping halfway to the brewery at a gas station in the middle of nowhere.  There were about ten people at the station and I probably could have taken all of their teeth and made two full sets.  I still think I heard banjos in the background too.  As I got a bottle of water and a quick snack, I made sure to not look any of these creatures in the eye for fear someone may think I have a purdy mouth.

I hit the road as quickly as I had stopped and started drinking the water.  This didn’t help calm the restlessness at all.  By the time I got to the brewery it was so much worse.  I felt like I wanted to cut my skin off and step outside of my body.  Now the agitation and need to just keep moving settled in.  I couldn’t make these feelings stop and I thought it was the mania.  At this point, I hadn’t realized that this was related to the new medication.

The next day a friend and I went to the Renaissance Festival in Tampa.  We stopped for breakfast before driving out and during I still felt restless.  Luckily for me my companion for the day tends to have a polarizing effect on me and stabilizes my mood.  It’s his energy that works in my favor.

At the Festival we had a good time looking at all the vendors.  One of which was the corset vendor.  I stopped to try on a corset and absolutely loved it!  I got cinched up in a beautiful corset that fit me perfectly.  Unfortunately, they wanted $180 for theirs and I’m not willing to pay that price.  I can find one very similar online for half that price.  As much as I fell in love with the corset and felt I looked damn hot in it, I let it go.

The morning was hot and steamy so we left early.  I spent some time with my friend and we eventually made our way to Gators Dockside for an early dinner.  After, I went home.  Thankfully the restlessness was there but not too bad throughout the day.  I still think my companion was the reason for all this.  I find it amazing how the energy one person puts off can affect another person so easily, especially when the person being affected is emotionally empathic to others in the near vicinity.

After I got home I started thinking more about the medication but couldn’t really find anything that would cause this new, strange feeling.  I again took another 80mg tablet and went to bed.  Monday morning I woke and went to work as normal.  I made my cup of coffee (I keep a Keurig at my desk) and drank it as normal.  Within just a few minutes of the caffeine hitting my blood stream I was wired and way more agitated than normal.  I felt like my insides were trying to jump out of body and I couldn’t get comfortable at all.

I started doing a little more research into Latuda and found this strange medical term pop up a few times – akathisia.  I read it in the prescription documentation but I figured it was some disease.  Once I started reading up on this medical term, I realized it is exactly what I’m feeling – inner restlessness.  Bingo!  I immediately called my psychiatrists office and was told to go back down to 40mg.  It’s now been a few days since and the akathisia has subsided for the most part but it is still present.  Tonight, I am not taking this medication.  When I speak to my psychiatrist next he will be giving me a whole new prescription because I am NOT taking Latuda again.  It was way too expensive and way too many side effects.

Now that has me thinking, do I really need bipolar meds?  Of course my therapist and psychiatrist will say yes, but I’ve been without medication for years.  I should be able to get through this without going back on medications again, right?  I hate being used as a science experiment.  There isn’t one particular drug that works for bipolar disorder and I’m constantly playing with the drugs I’m ingesting. 

I feel like a lab rat and I want to stop.  I know it’s best for me but to what end do I have to do this?  So we’ll find the right drug cocktail that will work for a while but when my brain chemistry changes the drugs will need to be modified all over again.  It’s frustrating.

Top it off, the medications end up making me feel numb.  I will eventually miss the swing of the highs since I won’t feel them anymore.  I won’t miss the depression but that’s what the medication is for, to even me out.  This is also another reason why many patients wind up off their medication because they start to feel numb. The highs are great and we start to miss that rush but once we realize it’s the medication putting the brakes on the roller coaster we stop the meds.  That’s why I stopped the medication the first time and opted for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy, pervs!).  I learned my triggers and how to compensate for them for so long.  It’s just recently that I’ve needed a little extra help.

Why does my brain chemistry have to be so far off?  Why can’t I be normal?  No wait, I like being abnormal.  Normal is scary.  Normal is for the people who are bland.  I like having a little spice to my life.  I wake up wondering, is today going to be moody and depressed or is today going to be manic and crazy?  Not really each day but you get the point.