Weekend Recap

I sat here thinking about what I did this past weekend and for the life of me I couldn't remember.  This is what happens when a person has ADD; we can't remember specific details as easily as the next person.  Our memory recall barely exists, if at all.  It's frustrating.  Tell me your name and I won't remember which is not all that uncommon, but also tell me details about your life or experiences and I won't remember those either.  Your face?  I won't remember that either.  Details are simply not absorbed into memory like most people's; however, give me a number and I'll remember it for life.

So what did I do this weekend?  I went ice skating again.  I was feeling confident.  I had been ice skating one other time since I wrote the earlier piece and I did okay.  A friend of mine had given me a bit of advice to help me skate and it worked.  I was able to skate and move away from the wall fairly easily.  Unfortunately, I still bobble quite a bit and I did fall once which was hilarious.  When I went down, I slid on the ice for a good 3-4 feet before stopping on my cushiony ass.  I laughed when I got back up.

This time the ice skating was not so fun.  For some reason I couldn't make it more than one lap before the arches in my feet started hurting.  I'm hoping that next time a gel insert will help the pain.  I mostly watched Ami skate and all the little kids.  I still had a great time so it was worth it.  We live and learn, right?

After skating, Ami and I did some shopping and enjoyed the day.  We didn't have any real plans and just mosey'd around all day.  I enjoy these kind of days with Ami.  Making plans for every hour of the day is stressful.  When we have days like this, we figure out where to go as the idea pops in our head.  It's great and it's good for the soul to not be stressed.

Backing up to the previous day, I bought a corset and Saturday a friend help me fit it on my body.  Wow, did this thing ever feel good.  Yes, it was tight but it made me sit up right and sucked in my waist line.  I felt and looked sexy.  I strutted around with my jeans and corset all evening feeling beautiful.  

The only problem is that for a full-figured woman, I have small breasts.  My cup size is only a B.  This makes it difficult to fit me for tops because most full-figured women have C cups or much larger.  The corset was no different.  In the cup area it pulled away from my body and left space so that it wasn't pushing up my breasts like a normal corset.  I still had room for more boobs.  I wish I was more proportional.

Bipolar Medication

It’s been a few weeks and I’m still manic.  My therapist really doesn’t know what to do with me now.  My psychiatrist started me on Latuda.  At first it was just 20mg for a few days, then 40mg for two weeks.  At the end of the two weeks, I increased my dosage to 80mg as instructed.  This caused severe problems that took me a few days to recognize.

The Saturday I increased my dosage, I had planned a trip to Tomoka Brewery with the girls.  A friend is visiting from North Carolina and she was joining us as well.  I started feeling nauseous and uneasy for some strange reason so I decided to drive myself.  The entire drive I felt restless and remained uneasy.  I couldn’t focus and I couldn’t sit still.  For a 90 minute drive, this was bad news.

The entire drive I noticed myself looking at the time every five minutes.  I felt like time had slowed down and I couldn’t make it move quickly enough.  Normally, I don’t mind long drives by myself.  I’ll put on my favorite music and enjoy the trip.  This time, I needed to desperately get out of the car.

I ended up stopping halfway to the brewery at a gas station in the middle of nowhere.  There were about ten people at the station and I probably could have taken all of their teeth and made two full sets.  I still think I heard banjos in the background too.  As I got a bottle of water and a quick snack, I made sure to not look any of these creatures in the eye for fear someone may think I have a purdy mouth.

I hit the road as quickly as I had stopped and started drinking the water.  This didn’t help calm the restlessness at all.  By the time I got to the brewery it was so much worse.  I felt like I wanted to cut my skin off and step outside of my body.  Now the agitation and need to just keep moving settled in.  I couldn’t make these feelings stop and I thought it was the mania.  At this point, I hadn’t realized that this was related to the new medication.

The next day a friend and I went to the Renaissance Festival in Tampa.  We stopped for breakfast before driving out and during I still felt restless.  Luckily for me my companion for the day tends to have a polarizing effect on me and stabilizes my mood.  It’s his energy that works in my favor.

At the Festival we had a good time looking at all the vendors.  One of which was the corset vendor.  I stopped to try on a corset and absolutely loved it!  I got cinched up in a beautiful corset that fit me perfectly.  Unfortunately, they wanted $180 for theirs and I’m not willing to pay that price.  I can find one very similar online for half that price.  As much as I fell in love with the corset and felt I looked damn hot in it, I let it go.

The morning was hot and steamy so we left early.  I spent some time with my friend and we eventually made our way to Gators Dockside for an early dinner.  After, I went home.  Thankfully the restlessness was there but not too bad throughout the day.  I still think my companion was the reason for all this.  I find it amazing how the energy one person puts off can affect another person so easily, especially when the person being affected is emotionally empathic to others in the near vicinity.

After I got home I started thinking more about the medication but couldn’t really find anything that would cause this new, strange feeling.  I again took another 80mg tablet and went to bed.  Monday morning I woke and went to work as normal.  I made my cup of coffee (I keep a Keurig at my desk) and drank it as normal.  Within just a few minutes of the caffeine hitting my blood stream I was wired and way more agitated than normal.  I felt like my insides were trying to jump out of body and I couldn’t get comfortable at all.

I started doing a little more research into Latuda and found this strange medical term pop up a few times – akathisia.  I read it in the prescription documentation but I figured it was some disease.  Once I started reading up on this medical term, I realized it is exactly what I’m feeling – inner restlessness.  Bingo!  I immediately called my psychiatrists office and was told to go back down to 40mg.  It’s now been a few days since and the akathisia has subsided for the most part but it is still present.  Tonight, I am not taking this medication.  When I speak to my psychiatrist next he will be giving me a whole new prescription because I am NOT taking Latuda again.  It was way too expensive and way too many side effects.

Now that has me thinking, do I really need bipolar meds?  Of course my therapist and psychiatrist will say yes, but I’ve been without medication for years.  I should be able to get through this without going back on medications again, right?  I hate being used as a science experiment.  There isn’t one particular drug that works for bipolar disorder and I’m constantly playing with the drugs I’m ingesting. 

I feel like a lab rat and I want to stop.  I know it’s best for me but to what end do I have to do this?  So we’ll find the right drug cocktail that will work for a while but when my brain chemistry changes the drugs will need to be modified all over again.  It’s frustrating.

Top it off, the medications end up making me feel numb.  I will eventually miss the swing of the highs since I won’t feel them anymore.  I won’t miss the depression but that’s what the medication is for, to even me out.  This is also another reason why many patients wind up off their medication because they start to feel numb. The highs are great and we start to miss that rush but once we realize it’s the medication putting the brakes on the roller coaster we stop the meds.  That’s why I stopped the medication the first time and opted for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy, pervs!).  I learned my triggers and how to compensate for them for so long.  It’s just recently that I’ve needed a little extra help.

Why does my brain chemistry have to be so far off?  Why can’t I be normal?  No wait, I like being abnormal.  Normal is scary.  Normal is for the people who are bland.  I like having a little spice to my life.  I wake up wondering, is today going to be moody and depressed or is today going to be manic and crazy?  Not really each day but you get the point.