Being Normal

Every work day I wake up and go to work.  I don’t really think much about life and what is going on around me until I start to head home for the day.  Usually on my way home, I reflect back on the day and my actions.  I ask myself, how did I do today?  Did I have any brief manic episodes, or how did work, and the people around me, make me feel today?  This is usually when I ponder how I am handling my medication changes.

I’ve been on the Seroquel now for just over a month.  The mania has gotten to the point where I am settled and normal.  I’m not manic and I’m not depressed…I’m just…normal.  It’s an odd feeling really.  I’ve lost those moments of extreme elation coupled with strange eccentricities and I’ve evened out.  I don’t know what to do with myself now.

Not only gone are the manic cycles, but so are the depressive cycles.  Again, this is another strange feeling.  I used to wear my depression like it was a second skin; it was a way to protect myself from further damage.  Now it’s gone and I don’t know what to do.  I can’t cry anymore, I can’t feel sad anymore.  I’m…normal.

I keep using this word normal over and over again.  What is normal?  Normal to me is bland.  It’s a state of no feeling.  I don’t know if I’m happy or sad now.  What should I be?  Should I be happy the medication is working and no longer causing me to be bizarre around my friends?  Or should I be happy that the medication has finally taken away the relentless sadness that has been enveloping me for months, even years?

This is why people with mood cycling disorders do not continue their medication for long.  We miss the highs from the mania.  It’s like a drug or a sirens call to us.  We crave these feelings because that is when we feel our best.  We hate this… this… normal feeling.  We don’t want to be normal.  If we could remain manic the rest of our lives and not hurt ourselves, or the people around us, we would find a way.  But sadly, we cannot.  Being in a manic state, while fun and exciting, is potentially harmful to ourselves and those we care about.  While manic, we don’t think about the effects we have on ourselves or surroundings – it doesn’t matter.  What matters is right now and the good time we are having.

While I am glad that I am normal, I’m struggling to cope.  This is a new feeling for me.  I equate it to being on a roller coaster and then getting off.  You want to go again right away because it was fun, but then there was also that long wait in line that takes an hour.  We want the fun – we want to get back on and do it all over again – but we don’t want the wait that goes along with it so we move on and hope something else comes along that will capture our interest.