Being Manic

Most people don’t understand what it is like to live with a mood cycling disorder so let me give you a little taste of what the roller coaster we suffer from on a daily basis.  For months I’ve been depressed with feelings of isolation, grief, loneliness and complete despair.  It’s caused me to push away the people that love me the most and withdraw from the world around me.  It makes me see a delusional reality filled with distrust, anger and cynicism.

Recently the fear of losing an important relationship caused me to snap out of this depression streak.  Overnight I went from a moody, depressed, and miserable existence to one filled with happiness, hopefulness and the feeling of being giddy all the time.  It was like a light switch that was flipped in my brain.

My thoughts come rapidly like a freight train that is careening off course, or better multiple freight trains.  I have a tremendous amount of energy that I cannot contain.  My speech is rapid and my hands flail all over the place as I talk.  I don’t quite have grandiose thoughts but they are up there.  I act on impulse rather than thinking through my decisions in an analytical fashion and I don’t worry about the repercussions.  In other words, I feel like I am flying and I don’t want to come down.

As for chemically what is happening in my brain, I have an excess of serotonin and norepinephrine running free.  These two hormones are what creates the manic state in a person that has bipolar disorder.  The serotonin is necessary but there are not enough receptacles to attract the serotonin and therefore it produces the elated feelings.  This also increases the norepinephrine which results in the erratic behavior that I experienced along with the increased heart rate and blood pressure.

When a bipolar patient is experiencing the depressed side of the spectrum, the serotonin levels are very low and there are too many receptacles waiting for the brain to release more of this hormone.  The reduction of serotonin causes the negative feelings, the lack of enthusiasm and dreads the goes along with depression. 

While it is easy to discuss the chemical reaction that occurs in the brain, the resulting emotions are much more difficult to describe.  When I am manic like I am today I feel like I want to bounce off the walls.  I laugh easily and there is not enough stimulation in the world to keep my attention.  I want to run and jump and play and be happy.  I don’t want to think about anything that can ruin this high nor do I want to control it.  I just want to be free.

As I meander through this stage I am very much aware of what is happening to me.  It’s like I am a bystander watching my life careen out of control as if I’m having an out of body experience.  I’m watching myself from above with no care to stop myself.  This part of me that is floating above me just watches and waits for that next moment that is going to bring me crashing back to earth.  Eventually it will happen.  Something will hit me and reverse the chemical reaction in my brain to make me depressed again.  It’s just a matter of time.  So until then, I will enjoy this ride for all it’s worth.