Bipolar Medication

It’s been a few weeks and I’m still manic.  My therapist really doesn’t know what to do with me now.  My psychiatrist started me on Latuda.  At first it was just 20mg for a few days, then 40mg for two weeks.  At the end of the two weeks, I increased my dosage to 80mg as instructed.  This caused severe problems that took me a few days to recognize.

The Saturday I increased my dosage, I had planned a trip to Tomoka Brewery with the girls.  A friend is visiting from North Carolina and she was joining us as well.  I started feeling nauseous and uneasy for some strange reason so I decided to drive myself.  The entire drive I felt restless and remained uneasy.  I couldn’t focus and I couldn’t sit still.  For a 90 minute drive, this was bad news.

The entire drive I noticed myself looking at the time every five minutes.  I felt like time had slowed down and I couldn’t make it move quickly enough.  Normally, I don’t mind long drives by myself.  I’ll put on my favorite music and enjoy the trip.  This time, I needed to desperately get out of the car.

I ended up stopping halfway to the brewery at a gas station in the middle of nowhere.  There were about ten people at the station and I probably could have taken all of their teeth and made two full sets.  I still think I heard banjos in the background too.  As I got a bottle of water and a quick snack, I made sure to not look any of these creatures in the eye for fear someone may think I have a purdy mouth.

I hit the road as quickly as I had stopped and started drinking the water.  This didn’t help calm the restlessness at all.  By the time I got to the brewery it was so much worse.  I felt like I wanted to cut my skin off and step outside of my body.  Now the agitation and need to just keep moving settled in.  I couldn’t make these feelings stop and I thought it was the mania.  At this point, I hadn’t realized that this was related to the new medication.

The next day a friend and I went to the Renaissance Festival in Tampa.  We stopped for breakfast before driving out and during I still felt restless.  Luckily for me my companion for the day tends to have a polarizing effect on me and stabilizes my mood.  It’s his energy that works in my favor.

At the Festival we had a good time looking at all the vendors.  One of which was the corset vendor.  I stopped to try on a corset and absolutely loved it!  I got cinched up in a beautiful corset that fit me perfectly.  Unfortunately, they wanted $180 for theirs and I’m not willing to pay that price.  I can find one very similar online for half that price.  As much as I fell in love with the corset and felt I looked damn hot in it, I let it go.

The morning was hot and steamy so we left early.  I spent some time with my friend and we eventually made our way to Gators Dockside for an early dinner.  After, I went home.  Thankfully the restlessness was there but not too bad throughout the day.  I still think my companion was the reason for all this.  I find it amazing how the energy one person puts off can affect another person so easily, especially when the person being affected is emotionally empathic to others in the near vicinity.

After I got home I started thinking more about the medication but couldn’t really find anything that would cause this new, strange feeling.  I again took another 80mg tablet and went to bed.  Monday morning I woke and went to work as normal.  I made my cup of coffee (I keep a Keurig at my desk) and drank it as normal.  Within just a few minutes of the caffeine hitting my blood stream I was wired and way more agitated than normal.  I felt like my insides were trying to jump out of body and I couldn’t get comfortable at all.

I started doing a little more research into Latuda and found this strange medical term pop up a few times – akathisia.  I read it in the prescription documentation but I figured it was some disease.  Once I started reading up on this medical term, I realized it is exactly what I’m feeling – inner restlessness.  Bingo!  I immediately called my psychiatrists office and was told to go back down to 40mg.  It’s now been a few days since and the akathisia has subsided for the most part but it is still present.  Tonight, I am not taking this medication.  When I speak to my psychiatrist next he will be giving me a whole new prescription because I am NOT taking Latuda again.  It was way too expensive and way too many side effects.

Now that has me thinking, do I really need bipolar meds?  Of course my therapist and psychiatrist will say yes, but I’ve been without medication for years.  I should be able to get through this without going back on medications again, right?  I hate being used as a science experiment.  There isn’t one particular drug that works for bipolar disorder and I’m constantly playing with the drugs I’m ingesting. 

I feel like a lab rat and I want to stop.  I know it’s best for me but to what end do I have to do this?  So we’ll find the right drug cocktail that will work for a while but when my brain chemistry changes the drugs will need to be modified all over again.  It’s frustrating.

Top it off, the medications end up making me feel numb.  I will eventually miss the swing of the highs since I won’t feel them anymore.  I won’t miss the depression but that’s what the medication is for, to even me out.  This is also another reason why many patients wind up off their medication because they start to feel numb. The highs are great and we start to miss that rush but once we realize it’s the medication putting the brakes on the roller coaster we stop the meds.  That’s why I stopped the medication the first time and opted for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy, pervs!).  I learned my triggers and how to compensate for them for so long.  It’s just recently that I’ve needed a little extra help.

Why does my brain chemistry have to be so far off?  Why can’t I be normal?  No wait, I like being abnormal.  Normal is scary.  Normal is for the people who are bland.  I like having a little spice to my life.  I wake up wondering, is today going to be moody and depressed or is today going to be manic and crazy?  Not really each day but you get the point.

Strange Week

Warning:  Parts are NSFW

Last week was a really strange week for me.  Saturday night I went to the local BDSM dungeon and met a friend there.  I was really interested in some play time with him and hoping I could get to know his Dominant style.  I love a good sadist that can bring me to the edge of my limits physically and mentally, but hold me back before falling off the edge.  I prefer physical pain through impact play for the most part but the friend I was meeting enjoys sensory play. 

The session turned out okay.  I wasn’t into it as much as I wanted to be.  Unfortunately, the dungeon was a little crowded and with so much going on around me I couldn’t keep connected due to my ADD.  I kept shifting my focus all over the place and I couldn’t relax.  This is why I typically enjoy pain over sensation play.  The pain forces me to focus because I have to deal with the resulting discomfort which usually allows me to float away into subspace.

After the play session I got in some cuddle time with him which was fantastic.  I absolutely enjoyed sitting in his arms, feeling warm and safe, while everyone went about their business around us.  I love watching the scenes in the dungeon from afar this way.  It’s relaxing and stimulating all at the same time.

Sunday morning I had plans to go to Disney with my roommate and girlfriend.  My roommate’s friends were in town from up north and planned a day at Disney.  I heard my roommate leave but she never bothered to wake me up.  I was a little taken aback but it is what it is.  This gave me the chance to get up and get ready for the day at my own pace.

I got out of bed, made myself a healthy breakfast and got dressed for the day.  Afterwards, I drove down to Hollywood Studios and truly enjoyed the morning drive and the beautiful day.  I felt relaxed and in my own space, not even a crowd of people surrounding me could make me feel anxious today.  I was looking forward to meandering through the park in my own little headspace for the day.

When I finally met up with roomie and her friends, I realized quickly that I was going to be baggage that wasn’t necessary considering they had all gotten their fast passes for the day and planned out their adventures.  Since I got there late, I could not sync my fast pass options with theirs and therefore could not ride with them.  Since I didn’t want to feel out of place, I decided to venture out for the day on my own so I called my friend from last night and asked him to join me (he works for Disney and can get in anytime).

While he was on his way, I stopped and ate a caramel peanut apple.  Oh my goodness it was delicious.  I so love caramel apples.  It also felt great to sit and eat my apple with no agenda for the day, no specific place to be, and no cares at all.  This is truly becoming a great day.

My friend shows up and we hit Star Tours, the Star Wars ride.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE Star Wars!  I don’t like the ride.  It was a 3-D simulator ride and I got sick.  I knew I would but I wanted to try it again.  Oh well.

As we left the ride, I found this incredibly cute Jedi outfit for my stuffie bear.  My friend bought it with his discount.  I’ve been sleeping with it every night since bringing the outfit home.  At first, I worried it would fit but as you can see below it fits great!

We walked and talked and eventually made our way to Magic Kingdom.  We checked out the Haunted Mansion first but the wait time was extraordinarily long and so not worth it.  I love the Hall of Presidents so we went there instead.  I cry every time I’m so sappy and patriotic.  Especially toward the end when they show the military heroes.

We kept walking and talking through the park afterwards.  He showed me all the changes that have been made since the last time I have been to the park.  It is incredible what the Imagineers have done with Fantasyland!  From there, we hopped on Tomorrowland’s Transit Authority People Mover.  It’s normally a nice, slow ride around Tomorrowland.  Not this time.

Shortly after we got on the ride stopped while we were on a bridge looking down at the Tomorrowland Speedway.  Some loud noise kept buzzing over our heads on the intercom but we didn’t think anything of it.  We figured someone needed assistance with getting on or off the ride but then it started taking quite a while to get moving again.  After about 15 minutes of waiting, a group of Tomorrowland employees make their way down the tracks to our tram and ask us to exit.  This had me cracking up.  We were being evacuated from the ride because our tram, and only our tram, was dysfunctional.  Everyone else’s was fine.

We walked across the bridge and back down a maintenance stairwell through some guy’s office.  As we left, they gave us fast passes to use for certain rides.  Between the two of us, we picked up four of them.  We used these to ride The Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Caribbean.  After we decided we were tired and left the park to meet at Chevy’s for a Tex-Mex dinner.  From there, the day ended and not a moment too soon as my feet and lower back were feeling the day.  It was a great day though and I loved every second.

Now Monday is where things get a little weird.  I was messaged by a man on OKCupid a few days before where I have a dating profile setup.  He is only 27 years old which is much younger than me but he was kind of cute so I figured I’d give him a chance.  He rarely gets a few days off and he really wanted to meet so I agreed to go to his place for him to cook dinner.

I know what you’re thinking; I should meet in public first.  Yes, I know this but I’m not really afraid either and I wanted to see what he’s all about.  A concern of mine is that he feels everyone is beneath him and has little compassion for other people.  I, on the other hand, have an extraordinary amount of compassion for other people and feel we are all equals.  However, I wanted to give him a chance since I figured maybe this is just his initial persona and he might not actually be so bad.  Boy was I wrong.

I get to his place and instantly I knew there was trouble with this one.  He’s 5’3” while I am 5’6”.  As soon as I walk in the door, I am looking down on him and I’m only wearing sneakers.  I like men to be taller than me.  I want to be able to rest my head against his chest or snuggle my face into his neck as we hug.  I could almost rest my cheek on the top of his head when we hugged.

As we sat down to talk, he started tickling me.  I’m not cool with this until I get to know you.  Because he fights MMA, he was much stronger than me and was able to pin me down.  That’s strike two (strike one was the height).  Then as we started talking, it was clear that his “everyone is beneath me” attitude is not just a first impression but who he really is.  When I asked about if he believes in G-d, he goes off on me about being an atheist.  Normally I can handle this but when I asked about what happens to him when he dies, he got even more animated and said that nothing happens to us and he wish he were there now.

At that moment I couldn’t take anymore.  That was strike three.  I got up and walked out.  As I approached the door he asked, “So I guess this is over?”  My only response was, “What does the door tell you?”  That’s when I slammed the door and left.

I messaged my friend Scott.  I could really use a sexual release right about now and, well, Scott and I have this benefit arrangement that works for us.  He meets me at World of Beer.  We each drink two beers and head back to my place.  Oh how I love that Scott is a Dominant.  I strip naked for him on command in the bathroom and then take his clothes off of him too. 

We step into the shower and he starts soaping me up.  I bend over, letting the water and soapy bubbles run down my back when he starts sliding his cock into my ass.  The pain mixed with the pleasure was sending incredible singles to my brain and I couldn’t focus.  He did this a couple times while I was bent over and that’s when I started feeling heat rising across the back of my neck and a prickly feeling as if I was going to be sick.

I don’t remember much after that because the next thing I was conscious of was him standing over me tapping my face.  Somehow I found my way to the base of the tub and I was laying there looking up at him.  What happened?

He helped me to stand and explained I passed out on him.  I’m not sure how that happened or why.  I put my arms around him and he held me but that’s all I remember because I was again in the base of the tub looking up at him saying my name several times.  I must have passed out a second time.

Fearing this was going to happen again, I shut off the water and he helped me get out.  Unknowing what caused me to suddenly lose consciousness I ran to my kitchen and grabbed a buddy fruit.  

I started feeling better after getting out of the shower and my mind started working again but I’m still a little freaked out about it.  I have never lost consciousness like that with any warning.  I’m also not a small woman which meant that Scott caught me in the shower.  My embarrassment level was off the chart.  Scott was so kind.  He tried to reassure me that I'm not as heavy as I think I am but part of me knows that I am.

I sat down with him on the bed and feeling myself reach normalcy again we continued on with our evening.  I had an incredible time and he left me a few marks on my ass to remind me of our night for several days.  At the end, he stayed the night with me which felt great too.  It was nice to be able to snuggle up to a warm body rather than a furry stuffie bear.

I still don’t know what made me pass out.  My thoughts are either hypoglycemic shock since I drank two beers with no dinner or possibly alcohol plus blood pressure medicine plus heat from the shower caused my blood pressure to plummet.  Either way, I’m fine now and I’ve had no further episodes.  I’m not going to worry about it.

Being Manic

Most people don’t understand what it is like to live with a mood cycling disorder so let me give you a little taste of what the roller coaster we suffer from on a daily basis.  For months I’ve been depressed with feelings of isolation, grief, loneliness and complete despair.  It’s caused me to push away the people that love me the most and withdraw from the world around me.  It makes me see a delusional reality filled with distrust, anger and cynicism.

Recently the fear of losing an important relationship caused me to snap out of this depression streak.  Overnight I went from a moody, depressed, and miserable existence to one filled with happiness, hopefulness and the feeling of being giddy all the time.  It was like a light switch that was flipped in my brain.

My thoughts come rapidly like a freight train that is careening off course, or better multiple freight trains.  I have a tremendous amount of energy that I cannot contain.  My speech is rapid and my hands flail all over the place as I talk.  I don’t quite have grandiose thoughts but they are up there.  I act on impulse rather than thinking through my decisions in an analytical fashion and I don’t worry about the repercussions.  In other words, I feel like I am flying and I don’t want to come down.

As for chemically what is happening in my brain, I have an excess of serotonin and norepinephrine running free.  These two hormones are what creates the manic state in a person that has bipolar disorder.  The serotonin is necessary but there are not enough receptacles to attract the serotonin and therefore it produces the elated feelings.  This also increases the norepinephrine which results in the erratic behavior that I experienced along with the increased heart rate and blood pressure.

When a bipolar patient is experiencing the depressed side of the spectrum, the serotonin levels are very low and there are too many receptacles waiting for the brain to release more of this hormone.  The reduction of serotonin causes the negative feelings, the lack of enthusiasm and dreads the goes along with depression. 

While it is easy to discuss the chemical reaction that occurs in the brain, the resulting emotions are much more difficult to describe.  When I am manic like I am today I feel like I want to bounce off the walls.  I laugh easily and there is not enough stimulation in the world to keep my attention.  I want to run and jump and play and be happy.  I don’t want to think about anything that can ruin this high nor do I want to control it.  I just want to be free.

As I meander through this stage I am very much aware of what is happening to me.  It’s like I am a bystander watching my life careen out of control as if I’m having an out of body experience.  I’m watching myself from above with no care to stop myself.  This part of me that is floating above me just watches and waits for that next moment that is going to bring me crashing back to earth.  Eventually it will happen.  Something will hit me and reverse the chemical reaction in my brain to make me depressed again.  It’s just a matter of time.  So until then, I will enjoy this ride for all it’s worth.

Hypomania

I am still in a hypomanic state today.  It’s not as bad as yesterday, but it is still mania.  The mania I experienced yesterday was intense.  As I sat at my desk working I couldn’t focus all day on one task; my mind kept wandering all over the place like a runaway freight train.  I was giddy and child-like most of the day and I couldn’t keep from bouncing all over the place.  I would get up frequently to talk to a co-worker that joined me for the day and he recognized my giddiness too.  My speech was as rapid as my thoughts as we talked and he just laughed.

While being in this hypomanic state, the emotions I have had over losing my friendship is not quite as bad as it has been.  I don’t feel the need to cry and isolate myself at the moment. I’m more forward and sure of myself today.  It’s a good place to be but still not exactly healthy.  My mind is still circling around all the recent events and playing “armchair quarterback” with the lost friendship.  I have to stop myself almost every hour from reaching out to this person over and over again.  I know he needs his space and time but I want his attention – I want him to hear me out so desperately and understand where I was coming from.

I feel like I am at the peak of a roller coaster, enjoying the thrill and exhilaration of the unknown.  I’m going to make the best of my circumstances and enjoy where I am today.  I will not make rash decisions as this could be detrimental for me while I am in this state.

Oh speed, how I love you!

I have to work today.  It’s not a bad thing.  Sunday’s are days I sit at the office alone, drinking my craft beer (yes, I sometimes drink at work in the afternoon but I don’t get drunk - the company I work for provides us beer on occasion), waiting for any number of world-wide clients to tell me their system is down.  Usually Sundays are very slow days and I only have to do this once every ten weeks.  Not a big deal.  Craft beer and I have an agreement to help each other out.

These past few days I’ve been really down so when I get in my car this morning and The Who start to play Baba O’Riley my heart started pumping with the beat of the drums and my mood instantly changed.  As I pulled onto the interstate I felt my car accelerate up on the ramp at the same rate the music began increasing tempo.  My hands were on the steering wheel at 10 and 2; my eyes were directly on the road ahead thanking fate that the Interstate was fairly clear this morning.

My car easily glides up to 90mph as I race up the interstate.  I barely notice the speed of my car as it continues to accelerate and I sink into my chair focusing on the change in my soul.  I feel the sound of the music in my ears washing away the emptiness and replacing it with peace and serenity.  My mind quiets as the tires on the ground are begging to be pushed further and faster.

As I reach 95 (or maybe even 100mph) I realize I need to slow down.  This is not the Autobahn and I could get a ticket.  I roll back the speedometer to 80mph and continue to float up the interstate.  In this moment I am grateful for a sporty car that can take away my troubles and replace it with quiet exhilaration. 

Unfortunately, the journey ends far too soon as I exit the highway a few miles later.  I want this feeling to continue, I want the speed to engulf me and take me to places where my soul can soar free.  I’m not quiet saddened that the drive is over though since this high that replaced the depression will stay with me for some time.  However, the crash may be detrimental later.

Love and Grief

Often there are moments just after my mind wakes but my body hasn’t fully begun to function that I lay in bed and ponder such things as why am I here and why am I the way I am.  These few moments in the morning give me a time to be introspective and contemplate the world around me.  I also take these few moments and think on more spiritual thoughts as well.  Sometimes these thoughts make me happy; more often than not these thoughts make me sad and emotional.

As I consider recent events in my life I have to ask myself why people gravitate toward one another.  What is the meaning of love and why do we look for it in every corner and every person?  Recently I’ve been re-examining the idea of love and relationships and what I need from another person.  It seems that no matter what happens, every relationship is going to end and hurt at some point.  Why do we continue to do this to ourselves?  Why do we inflict so much pain on each other?  Are we all serial masochists and don’t realize it?

Every relationship will eventually end.  That’s what my therapist taught me.  As harsh as it is, those were his exact words.  I was shocked and stunned by his frankness on the subject.  How can he say these things to me when I’m grieving the loss of so many people and relationships?  I had to stop and consider this theory, and as analytical as I am, I realize he’s right.  Every relationship we have with someone will end.  Whether it is by death of one person or because one person no longer wanted to be in the relationship, it will end.

It saddens me to realize how true these words are, especially for me.  Sometimes I think the loss that I’ve experienced is insurmountable and I cannot function.  I wonder how it is that I go on living my life day to day with this terrible feeling.  The grief that I carry around with me engulfs me on a daily basis.  It’s become my shelter, my shield, and my protector.  It keeps me from forming long-lasting bonds with people, and when I do push aside grief to let someone into my life, I end up ruining it in some way.  I don’t realize this is what I am doing until it is too late and the damage is done.  It just happens.

This morning grief and I had a conversation.  He reminded me that I am alone and that he will always be with me to share in my troubles and help me find the dark places in my soul.  I took comfort in knowing that grief will not leave me as he will continue to be there for me to help me detach when I attempt to let another person love me.  He will be there like a black knight to protect me from further injury to my soul and remind me that this relationship will destroy itself like all others and not to get attached.

I finally got out of bed and made my way into the kitchen.  I need that morning pleasure of coffee to comfort my soul.  I stand in the kitchen and water Shyla, my eastern lily that was given to me when my dog Shyla passed.  She’s been growing so big lately that I had to repot her into a bigger pot.  I take a few moments to think back to a happier time when I felt like I could move forward; a time I wasn’t so paralyzed.  I let the moment pass in fear the sadness will be overwhelming.  I curl up in bed with my morning yumminess and I grab for my pills, these pills that keep my heart rhythm from becoming out of whack, and I realize I’m missing one.  How long has it been since I’ve had my anti-depressant? 

As I sit in the dark sipping my coffee that is quickly turning cold, I think about why it is I take the anti-depressant.  Am I fooled as much as every other American in the belief that I can take a magic pill and it will suddenly make me happy again?  Maybe I should just stop taking it and let the depression engulf me.  It is after all where I find I am most comfortable.  My depression has a way of keeping people at arm’s length and maybe that is for the better.  It keeps me isolated and anti-social so that I don’t have to talk to people, nor do I want to talk to others.

My coffee is cold.  The air is cold.  My room is dark.  The world is silent.  My bed is comfortable.  I’ll just stay here today and let the world go on without me.