A Day of Apathy

I had no desire to speak to anyone yesterday.  I made it to work but I did as little as possible.  For most of the day I wrote, read Facebook along with my favorite blogs and listened to music.  I didn't really care what was going on around me.  My co-worker mentioned I was quiet and asked what was wrong.  What can I say?  I have cycled heavily for the past two months and now I feel drained.  Mood cycles up and down as rapidly and frequently as I have been having is hard on my mind and body.  Some days I just want to give up, put my life in someone else's hands and just... be.  Let someone else pilot this body for a while.  Unfortunately, that's not going to happen.

For breakfast I made a couple pieces of turkey bacon along with two pumpkin pancakes.  I brought them to work with me and used sugar-free syrup.  With my coffee, my breakfast was a total of 359 calories.  Lunch was left over salmon over a bed of greens and homemade dijon vinaigrette.  Total calories for lunch was 402.  Dinner I baked lemon chicken with whole grain lemon orzo (it was a lemon kinda night).  Total calories for dinner that included a Skinny Cow mint ice cream sandwich was 701 calories.

Overall my food intake was pretty good.  I ate all my allotted calories for the day which felt great.  I even went to the gym and did 20 minutes on the elliptical and 10 minutes of pumped up strength training with my upper body.  Rather than resting and taking my time when I'm strength training I push harder and quicker with the weights.

Since I started running on the elliptical for my exercise and taking the stairs daily at work my quadriceps have been inflamed.  Last night was no exception.  I laid in bed and they were so sore I couldn't sleep.  All I wanted was for someone to massage them with eucalyptus oil so that I could rest and go back to sleep.  Add on to that the pressure that I've had in my head for the past two days and I nearly started crying.  It took me a while but I finally got back to sleep.  This morning, my quads hurt just as much as last night.  I've already taken naproxen sodium and acetaminophen to try and help.

Later this morning I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist.  I finally broke down and decided to make an appointment to talk about medications again.  I've suffered from bipolar disorder (cyclothymia), ADHD, and generalized anxiety disorder for years.  I've been able to cope on my own but lately it feels like I am not able to any longer.  I'm cycling far too much and I've had way too many anxiety attacks over the last couple months.  It's starting to affect my quality of life.  I don't want to be drugged up.  I don't like how it makes me feel - numb.  We'll see what he has to say.