Weekend Recap Part 2 - Stone Mountain and Othello

The next morning I woke up much earlier than Paul around 6 AM.  Not wanting to stay in bed I got dressed and made my way to the gym.  I found their elliptical machines which looked like I would be piloting the Starship Enterprise.  I did my typical 20 minutes of cardio and jumped off to find some strength training machines. 

Next to me was a platform I could use to work my hamstrings.  It felt great.  I locked my feet into the platform and bent at the waist forward to let my upper body hang.  My spine stretched when I do this and it feels really good.  I did a few sets and didn't think anything of it then went on to work my upper body.

I stopped for coffee before heading back to the room.  I showered up and got dressed, trying to remain as quiet as possible since Paul was not yet awake.  When I was done, I sat on my bed and all I could think about was a year ago my father lay dying in a hospice in Austin, TX.  I kept imagining what his body must have looked like during the death process over and over again.  I even imagined what he looked like in the crematorium being burned to ashes.  See, my mind goes to these dark and horrible places when I’m depressed.

At this point the crying started and I couldn’t stop it.  Paul was still asleep in the bed next to me and I was afraid I would wake him but I desperately needed him.  I needed his comfort and his arms around me to help me get past this darkness.  This is why I didn’t travel alone.  I knew this would happen.  I knew my thoughts would go to this dark place and I wouldn’t be able to find my way out.  It happens often.

I kept pacing back and forth as quietly as I could in the room trying to talk myself out of this gloom but it wasn’t working.  Finally I sat next to Paul’s bed, whispered his name and asked to crawl into bed with him.  He opened his arms and I crawled in.  His body was warm from sleep and his arms around me felt so good.  I let it all go and cried into his shoulder.  It felt good to be in his arms - safe and protected.

I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to my father.  I didn’t even know he was sick.  It wasn’t until he had a few hours left and already sedated that his wife notified my aunt he was dying who then called me.  He was spiteful like that.  He wasn’t always a good man, but he was my father.  I know he was afraid my sister and I would try to get closure for the past by calling him out for the terrible things he has done.  Unfortunately, I wouldn’t have done that.  I would have offered him my forgiveness and love.  Forgiveness is the beginning of closure.

So here I am, crying into Paul’s shoulder desperately holding on to him wishing he could take away this pain.  After a half hour or so of this my sobs turned to small shudders and finally the crying stopped.  He continued holding me while trying to soothe the pain away until it was time to wake up.

We finally got ourselves together and took off for Stone Mountain for the day.  We stopped for breakfast in a suburb of Atlanta.  Since Paul was driving I have no idea where we were.  Then we made it to Stone Mountain and had to pay $10 to park.  TEN DOLLARS!  What?!?!?!?  This is NOT Disney World!  Why are we paying so much to park???  Well, at least it is open.  The National Parks are currently closed due to the partial government shutdown of 2013 (Thank you Congress!). 

When we got to the amusement area I looked up at the carving and I thought it should have been bigger.  I was here 20 years ago with my family and honestly thought the carving was much larger.  Maybe it was because I was so young and much smaller?

Now it’s time to get to the top of the mountain.  Oh boy.  We could either walk up the trail (nope) or take the aerial tram.  We opted for the tram, or at least I opted for the tram.  It seemed to be at the time the lesser of two evils, but I have a severe fear of heights.  Then add on the moving tram stuffed full of people hanging by a few steel cables and we have a perfect anxiety storm.

Well, I’m writing this blog post so obviously we made it.  It wasn’t pretty but I did it with very little panicking on my part.  I wasn’t comfortable with the ride and once we got to the top and saw the next tram make it up I decided right then that we would be walking down.

The top of the mountain was beautiful.  Other than a few people speaking, it was quiet and peaceful.  I sat down on the granite while Paul walked to the edge to get some pictures.  The sun was warm and the wind cooled us at the same time.  It was an amazing feeling.  Paul thankfully didn’t fall over the edge of the mountain and returned to where I was sitting.  He sat with me for a while enjoying the wind and sun as well.

It’s time like this that I feel harmony in my soul.  I love being in nature.  It’s peaceful to be alone with my thoughts and feel the energy of nature all around me.  It is one of the few times I don’t feel as if my thoughts are running a muck inside my head.  It is almost as if my mind is quieted while nature recharges my soul.

After some time we finally decided to grab water and make our way back down the mountain.  It was a rockier than I had thought it would be.  I’m not sure if I had motion sickness or the beginnings of heat stroke but my stomach started churning and I was afraid I would have to throw up.  I kept drinking water but that didn’t help.  Paul kept asking if I needed a break but if I had stopped I was afraid I wouldn’t get started again.

Once we got to the bottom about 30 minutes later we sat down for a moment so that Paul could find the parking lot on the map.  It was then my stomach started to finally settle but it was a close call.  We walked about another mile to the car and drove back to the hotel to rest before show.

Again, I curled up with Paul.  I rested my head on his hip while he rubbed my back.  I just can’t get enough of him touching me this way.  It felt really good and I wanted his fingers directly on my skin.  I finally got the courage to ask if he minded I take off my shirt (our relationship is not sexual, as much as I would like it to be).  He didn’t mind and feeling his fingers brush my bare skin was incredibly soothing.

We showered and headed to The Atlanta Shakespeare Tavern.  A few weeks ago we saw The Taming of the Shrew at the Orlando Shakespeare Festival and I enjoyed it.  Tonight's performance is a tragedy so I was a little concerned if I would like it or not.  I did read the synopsis of Othello before tonight so I had a pretty good idea of what to expect.

Dinner was at the tavern.  It was descent but nothing to write home about.  I had the stilton salad and the chili.  I would have preferred the chili vegetarian but it was still pretty good – and much bigger than anticipated.

My caloric intake today didn't matter.  By the end of the day I had reached over 20,000 steps and burned over 4,000 calories.  *Thank you fitbit*  I was eating for pleasure today rather than watching my calories.  I still ate reasonable, but the total calories really didn't matter in the end.

The performance was good.  The actress playing Desdemonia had an incredible singing voice.  The actor playing Othello was a little too happy and emotional for me.  I wanted to see a bigger, stronger male lead rather than a sappy fool.  Oh well.

The rest of the night was uneventful.  We walked back to the hotel and slipped into our beds.  The next morning we would be heading home.  I really didn’t want the weekend to end.

On the way home we stopped at the Smokin’ Pig in Valdosta – one of Paul’s favorites.  I fell asleep just south of the Florida-Georgia line and woke up just north of Ocala.  We had been listening to an audio book but since I fell asleep I don’t recall most of it.

When we reached Paul’s place I gave him one last hug.  I didn’t want it to end.  I always feel like I’ll never see him again and it makes me sad.  I wanted to kiss him but I was too chicken.  I’m always too chicken.

Weekend Recap - Atlanta

In the middle of last week my good friend sent me a text to let me know he was going to Atlanta for the weekend to see Othello at the Atlanta Shakespeare Tavern and he asked if I would like to join him.  I had previously considered running away for the weekend alone since I knew I would be grieving the loss of my father but then I decided it probably wouldn't be best for me to be alone.  I figured I would just cry the entire weekend with no one to distract me so I said yes.

Friday morning I was to be at his place at 8:00 AM.  I packed and left my place at 7:05 AM.  Normally the drive to his place is around 25 minutes but it is time for rush hour traffic so I left a little earlier.  Holy hell was there a lot of traffic!  As soon as I got on the interstate the traffic STOPPED!  It took me 20 minutes to get to the next exit a mile down the interstate.  I pulled up to his place at exactly 8:00 AM and I had yet to get my coffee or any breakfast. 

Luckily Paul is a nice guy and very accommodating.  On our way out we stopped at Starbuck’s to get me a coffee.  I used the restroom, bought my coffee and then went to the serving area.  I waited… and waited… and waited some more.  I finally asked the barista if she had forgotten my order.  She asked, “What order?”  I just stared at her incredulously.  How can this happen?  I got upset and told her my order.  This is going to be a great start to the weekend.  *groans*

After filling up the gas tank Paul drove over to Chick-Fil-A.  Oh how I love Chick-Fil-A and I just couldn't resist.  That 440-calorie chicken biscuit was calling my name and I knew how delicious it was going to taste.  Since Paul usually makes me walk until I break something, I figured I would burn off the extra calories at some point today (we walked so much in DC last month I developed a stress fracture in the metatarsal bone in my foot.  Thanks Paul!  *kisses*)

Off we go, heading north to Atlanta.  I forgot my ear buds so rather than listen to my own music I listened to an audio book Paul had picked out called BelowStairs by Margaret Powell.  I don’t usually enjoy non-fiction that much but this book was interesting.  Being in service during the 1920’s was a true art form and the servants of that time proved how truly dedicated they were to hard work and surviving through adversity.

We got to Atlanta and immediately hit traffic.  My anxiety flew through the roof.  There was a lot of traffic and too many lanes.  Thank goodness Paul was driving.  We found the hotel and rested for a bit before heading off to dinner at Ray’s In The City.  I ordered the filet with mashed potatoes, ceasar salad and a shiraz.  Paul had the barbecue shrimp for his appetizer and the scallops for his dinner.  I finished my meal with an Irish coffee and he had a praline bowl with ice cream.  It was a relaxing dinner and nice conversation. 

We walked back to the hotel and as we approached the elevators there were far too many people in such a small place.  I immediately put my hand out to stop Paul and waited until the people were gone – just a few seconds.  I was afraid my anxiety would blow if I were surrounded by a large group of people and figured it would be best to wait.  Again, Paul being accommodating didn't even ask.

We stepped into a less crowded elevator and I sucked in close to Paul’s side (I hate elevators…and small spaced for that matter).  Paul started doing what he does best to keep me calm, he started petting me.  Oh how I adore when he pets me.  He ran his fingers lightly along my scalp and in my hair.  Then, out of the blue, he took a small handful and tightened his fist pulling my hair lightly.  I about blew apart with joy.  Later, he admitted he did it to distract me and it worked.

Back in the room I curled up with him for a bit.  He read while I relaxed in his arm with my head on his chest.  Again, doing what he does best, he ran his fingers up and down my back comforting me.  The feeling is exquisite and I cannot get enough.  I could curl up with him for hours, if not days, and never stop cherishing the feelings he gives me.  Since we were in a room with two double beds, I had to make my way back to my bed to sleep for the night.

Overall, it was a pretty good day and my anxiety was kept to a minimum.

A Day of Apathy

I had no desire to speak to anyone yesterday.  I made it to work but I did as little as possible.  For most of the day I wrote, read Facebook along with my favorite blogs and listened to music.  I didn't really care what was going on around me.  My co-worker mentioned I was quiet and asked what was wrong.  What can I say?  I have cycled heavily for the past two months and now I feel drained.  Mood cycles up and down as rapidly and frequently as I have been having is hard on my mind and body.  Some days I just want to give up, put my life in someone else's hands and just... be.  Let someone else pilot this body for a while.  Unfortunately, that's not going to happen.

For breakfast I made a couple pieces of turkey bacon along with two pumpkin pancakes.  I brought them to work with me and used sugar-free syrup.  With my coffee, my breakfast was a total of 359 calories.  Lunch was left over salmon over a bed of greens and homemade dijon vinaigrette.  Total calories for lunch was 402.  Dinner I baked lemon chicken with whole grain lemon orzo (it was a lemon kinda night).  Total calories for dinner that included a Skinny Cow mint ice cream sandwich was 701 calories.

Overall my food intake was pretty good.  I ate all my allotted calories for the day which felt great.  I even went to the gym and did 20 minutes on the elliptical and 10 minutes of pumped up strength training with my upper body.  Rather than resting and taking my time when I'm strength training I push harder and quicker with the weights.

Since I started running on the elliptical for my exercise and taking the stairs daily at work my quadriceps have been inflamed.  Last night was no exception.  I laid in bed and they were so sore I couldn't sleep.  All I wanted was for someone to massage them with eucalyptus oil so that I could rest and go back to sleep.  Add on to that the pressure that I've had in my head for the past two days and I nearly started crying.  It took me a while but I finally got back to sleep.  This morning, my quads hurt just as much as last night.  I've already taken naproxen sodium and acetaminophen to try and help.

Later this morning I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist.  I finally broke down and decided to make an appointment to talk about medications again.  I've suffered from bipolar disorder (cyclothymia), ADHD, and generalized anxiety disorder for years.  I've been able to cope on my own but lately it feels like I am not able to any longer.  I'm cycling far too much and I've had way too many anxiety attacks over the last couple months.  It's starting to affect my quality of life.  I don't want to be drugged up.  I don't like how it makes me feel - numb.  We'll see what he has to say.

Weekend Recap Part 2

Sunday I woke up very early - I just couldn't sleep past 6am.  The night before I went grocery shopping and bought the ingredients to make pumpkin pancakes.  It is fall after all.  The twist is that I am making these pancakes healthy.  Instead of processed white flour I am using unbleached whole grain flour.  I also bought turkey bacon to go with the pancakes.  I’m not a big fan of bacon, especially turkey bacon, but I wanted a healthy protein for my breakfast.

Pumpkin Pancakes Per Serving:

214 Calories

41 Carbs

2g Fat

10g Protein

350mg Sodium

3g Sugar

I felt pretty good with my breakfast.  It was still pretty early when I finished breakfast.  My head was filled with pressure and I was still very emotional from being in a down swing so I decided rather than feel sad for myself that I would try to get some exercise in the hopes it would make me feel better.  I did my normal 20 minutes (still working on endurance) on the elliptical but I just didn't feel like doing any strength training today and my mood was not changed.  As I got in the shower I was reminded again of my dad and I cried.  Maybe I'll make some cookies and visit a fire station this weekend.

The entire morning I just kept telling myself to not let myself get down and to keep moving.  I picked up peaches from the farmers market the day before with the intent of making jam so I figured I'll go get the supplies needed.  

The best place for canning supplies is Wal-Mart.  Oh how I loathe Wal-Mart.  I absolutely hate the store.  As I drive through the parking lot I am reminded why.  There are some very strange people that shop at Wal-Mart and most seem to be stupid idiots.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are some very intelligent, nice people that shop at Wal-Mart.  However, it seems that when most people pull into the parking lot they lose their ability to think logically and with common sense.  Add on the parents with screaming, wandering children and I just cringe.

I successfully make it in and out of Wal-Mart with my canning supplies without a major incident.  It was a close call a few times but I managed to not get touched or yell at anyone.  I'm quite proud of myself.  

I venture on to Publix and pick up items for lunch.  Staying on the path to weight loss, I picked up whole grain Rye, lettuce and tomato.  I figured I'll make a BLT with the turkey bacon I have at home.  I also picked up some veggie chips from the farmers market to go with my yummy sandwich.

BLT on Toasted Rye with Dried Veggie Chips (Hellmans low-fat mayo)

312 Calories

32 Carbs

12g Fat

13g Protein

917mg Sodium

0 Sugar

I discovered while in the grocery store that whole grain rye has fewer calories and carbs then whole grain flour bread.  I silently did a little happy dance because I love me some rye bread!  This sandwich was so yummy.  I could have eaten a second one and been a happy girl.

I rested for a little while and then decided to make the jam.  Instead of regular jam, I wanted a healthy alternative so I found a recipe on Splenda's website for no-sugar added peach jam.  I've made many jams but I've never made a jam with Splenda before.  This was going to be a first.  Usually when making jam the amount of sugar added double's the volume of the fruit added.  Because I was adding just a 1/2 cup, it only made four half-pint jars.  I was a little disappointed but in the end it tasted phenomenal!  Of course I had to taste it with a slice of the yummy rye bread.  

No Sugar Added Peach Jam
Serving Size - 1 tablespoon
10 Calories
0g Fat
5mg Sodium
3g Carbs
1g Sugars

Overall the day was productive.  I like when my days are productive.  It helps normalize my moods and that is always a good thing.  I had a salmon filet and roasted brussel sprouts for dinner.  I finished the night with a Skinny Cow Mint Ice Cream Sandwich and a movie.

Daily Total

1608 Calories

151 Carbs

69g Fat

95g Protein

2717mg Sodium (little high)

27g Sugar

I felt great at the end of my day.  I stayed moving and went to the gym, I ate healthy, and I finished the jam.  

Two weeks ago I purchased bath salts from Fresh Market.  I made up a mixture that was recommended in the store to help me sleep so I decided to try it.  WOW! It actually helped.  I made a mixture of spearmint, grapefruit and eucalyptus.  My skin felt incredible and my muscles seemed to melt under my skin.  I got in bed after my bath and I was OUT.  I usually wake several times in the night but last night I slept hard until 6am.  I woke feeling great.

Weekend Recap - Part 1

This weekend was emotionally rough for me with the first anniversary of my father’s death coming up on Oct. 5^th.  I’ve also been cycling up and down frequently for the past 2-3 months which is abnormal for me.  I have cyclothymia – a form of bipolar disorder.  For days I will cycle very low and experience profound depression.  When I come out of the depression cycle, I tend to be hypomanic (not hypermanic).

When I’m low, I can get really low.  During this low swing I will cry and have irrational thoughts while the world seems to be a bleak place for me.  I don’t want to talk to people and I usually pull away into my own little bubble.  It is very difficult to find my way out of these feelings and takes a few days for my neurochemistry to even out again.

The great part about having cyclothymia is before my neurochemistry has a chance to regulate itself I usually swing into a hypomanic mood first.  During this cycle I experience a euphoric state and can quickly become agitated.  Unlike when I am depressed I am talkative, confident and assertive.  I also appear to be flighty, have short-term memory problems and I change my mind often.  I am probably a little narcissistic too but I tend to keep that side of myself at bay.

Thankfully I am not an emotional eater.  In fact, I am the opposite.  When I am emotional, I am overly critical of myself and that includes my food intake.  I am working really hard to lose weight and I’ve lost 24 pounds in the last 10 weeks.  I feel great.  People around me tell me they can see the change – I cannot see it so much as feel it (especially in my clothes).

Friday my girlfriends and I went to a bar that was unveiling a new beer that was brewed with the collaboration of two breweries nearby.  It ended up being a dull night.  Rather than sticking to my diet I gave myself a reprieve and ate Chicago style pizza and a Greek salad.  It was good, but I regretted it the next day.  I tried not to beat myself up too bad considering weight loss is not about the short term but about the long haul.  It’s a marathon and not a sprint.  One day of eating badly is not going to derail me from my goal.

Saturday morning started out rough.  Before I explain Saturday it must be known that a person like me with cyclothymia does not handle ambiguity well.  We see things in black and white – not in shades of grey. 

Earlier in the week a friend sent me an e-mail stating he was going to take his dog to the farmers market and then the park.  Since he didn’t specifically ask me if I wanted to join him I replied back asking if he wanted company.  He replied sarcastically with “No, I just thought I’d tease you with it.”  Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand that I have difficulty with ambiguity.  I have trouble seeing the forest from the trees – well – more like trouble seeing the tree in the forest since I’m counting the leaves.  We agreed to meet at 8am but he didn’t specify where. 

So here I am driving to his place since I figured we would ride together.  Last week when we planned this same trip I was to meet at his place and we would ride together but his work plans got in the way.  At about a mile away from his place I get a text message from him that he’s early.  What?!?!?!?  I ask if he’s at the market and he was.  Well, crap!  So I text him that I’m running late (I didn’t want to admit that I misunderstood) and I’ll be there soon.  I turned around and made it to the farmers market about five minutes after 8am. 

At this point I’m frustrated.  Things are not starting off well for me this morning.  I have NOT had my coffee and I have not had food.  I am upset at myself for not understanding where we should meet and for getting my hopes up to spending the day with him.

We walk around the farmers market and pick up a few items.  Then we start walking toward his car.  In fear of being wrong again I stopped and asked where I am going.  Am I riding with him or should I be heading toward my own car?  That’s when he told me I could ride with him.  I finally admitted that I misunderstood his messages and went to his place first.  We glossed over the ambiguity issue.  This tells me we need to have a talk about communication.

The dog park was fun.  We walked around a bit and then sat on the bench watching his dog play in the lake.  I adore the affection he gives me.  He put his arm around me and caressed the skin under the sleeve of my shirt.  I sunk into his side and rested my head on his shoulder.  It always sends warm fuzzy feelings to my brain.  I never have to worry about upholding my end of a conversation with him.  I can be quiet and introverted all I want.  He doesn’t push me to talk, he just lets me be.

On the way back to my car the area around the market was crowded with cars and people walking.  I had asked my friend to let me out so that I could simply walk to my car.  He was being a gentleman and offered to drive me to my car.  While he was attempting to navigate the cars and the people, while listening to my directions, he missed a turn.  I have trouble in crowds and this started flaring my anxiety.  I was doing everything I could to maintain composure as I did not want to have a full-on anxiety attack in the car sitting next to him.  I asked again to let me walk but he was determined to drive me to my car.  By the time we made our way to my vehicle I was so flustered that I couldn’t think straight and nearly left my phone in his vehicle.  I just wanted out of there.

I left fairly upset with myself.  I wanted more time with him since he makes me feel good.  He is my “safe place”.  Unfortunately, he had to work so that was out of the question.  Not wanting to be alone I called up my best girlfriend.  Although the morning started off rough, we ended up having a great day together between shopping and an early dinner.  A little retail therapy and BFF support never hurts.

First World Problems

Over the weekend I had a party for a neighbor and his family at my place.  We were all gathered around the pool when it started to lightly rain.  I had been wearing my sunglasses and since I no longer needed them I placed them on the table.  At some point they wound up missing.  I'm not blaming anyone since it could have been my fault, but they are no where to be found and there was a lot of people.

I loved these sunglasses.  They were my favorites and I have had them for five years.  They were Lulu Guinness Killer Heels sunglasses.  I cannot find another pair anywhere online.  I have a trip to Washington DC this weekend and I cannot stand being in the sun without a pair of sunglasses.  I ordered a new pair of sunglasses online with overnight delivery but they will not be shipped for 3-4 days.  This isn't going to work for me.  Ugh!  I'm going to have to find a cheap pair to make it through the weekend.  This is not what I wanted.

Goodbye sunglasses!  I will miss you!

Welcome!

I've been threatening to start a new blog for months now to share the crazy things my friends and I come up with along with some of my daily struggles and WTF moments.  Some days I wonder if I am normal since I come up with some insane thoughts and idea.  The awesome part of my life is that my friends are just as mad as I am.  After all, we are friends - at least most days. 

So who am I?  I'm 35 years old and I've been divorced for three years.  I've been dating and it has been fun, but I'm in a bit of a lull at the moment and I've decided to focus on me while spending good times with friends.  I've also just restarted my career in a move that took me from a telecommunications company to a software company.  This change alone wasn't challenging enough so I decided to add weight loss in as a crazy filler for my life.  

As I navigate this career change and attempt to become healthy, my friends have been with me every step of the way.  Sometimes they are a blessing and sometimes they are... well... I am just amazed that we haven't been sent to a mental institute or kicked out of our favorite bar.

Let me give you an example:

Picture me in the driver's seat of my car with Chris in the passenger seat as we are heading to a new brewery to sample some great beers and even better gourmet pizza.  I mention a friend of mine was listening to an audio-book of Lincoln's biography.  As I continued driving she ponders, "I wonder how the book ends.  With a bang?  Or maybe its just incoherent mumbling for a few pages before it goes blank?"

Really?  Really Chris?  The book was not an AUTOBIOGRAPHY!  I gave her the wtf look and just continued driving.

The next day I get this picture.

Yup.  These are my friends.  I love them.